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Admitting he wasnt really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician. Its definitely too late for me to go back to school, and Im not going to get an office job or anything like that with the rsum Ive got, so I figure, why not just stick with what Ive been doing, said Wells, adding that hes okay with his current schedule of rehearsals and occasional late-night gigs and has grown accustomed to living in small apartments anyway, so he didnt see much of a problem with continuing to strive after his lifelong goal for the indefinite future. Its not like anyone really expects anything different from me anymore, either; they all pretty much ask about how the band stuff is going right off the bat when I talk to them. So, I guess Ill just keep doing this from here on out. Wells went on to say that he foresees no real issues with his plan to keep following his dreams, provided that his roommate of eight years doesnt suddenly decide to move out.
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Citing his ability to score over 100 points when he is 'not even trying all that hard,' Bernie Grout, 34, announced yesterday his dream of becoming a professional bowler when he grows up. 'Ever since I was 27 and I got my first turkey, I fantasized about eventually pursuing this as a career,' said Grout, adding that his love of bowling started when he and his father used to go to the OK Alley to 'throw the ol' [bowling] ball around' when he was 26. 'Just imagine what I could do if I had my own ball and one of those gloves.' Grout plans on patiently working hard over the course of the next decade to lose some muscle mass, grow a solid moustache, and give up on all of his other dreams, so he can one day 'compete on the professional level.'
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The body of a woman found strangled behind Zurbachen's Truck Stop last week was positively identified as convicted prostitute Sandy Huffman by 347 area residents, police reported Monday. 'Ms. Huffman's identity was exhaustively confirmed based on height, eye color, birthmarks, scars, hair color, tattoos, jewelry, and, in three instances, dental work,' said a spokesman for the Verona Police Department. No arrests have been made in the case, but police have detained dozens of area shop owners, teachers, realtors, bankers, farmers, church leaders, youth coaches, Boy Scouts, and homemakers for questioning.
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Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams' offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday's broadcast of NFL Live. 'Overall, Brett Favre seems to be working out much better at quarterback in Minnesota than Jay Cutler is in Chicago,' said analyst John Clayton, who used a graphical comparison of Brett Favre's 32 completions and Cutler's 18 to hammer home what was blatantly obvious from the score. 'Now, let's take a look at this fourth-quarter touchdown here. With the Vikings up 30-10, look how Adrian Peterson follows his blockers and exploits the hole. Let's watch that one more time.' The blowout was also discussed in depth on Monday Night Countdown and SportsCenter and, for reasons that remain unclear, was the subject of at least 12 minutes of discussion on Mike And Mike In The Morning.
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More than three decades after acquiring his first Pink Panther toothbrush, Mark Naasz continues to search unsuccessfully for new ways to make brushing his teeth fun, the 36-year-old Bernal Heights resident revealed Monday. 'Check it out: Tom's Of Maine fennel-flavored all-natural anti-cavity toothpaste,' said Naasz, pulling the $4.89 item from a Whole Foods bag. 'It says here that fennel is an all-natural, herbal breath-freshener that's been used for centuries. And look: This little snap-lid bottle fits in my jacket pocket, so I'll probably start brushing my teeth after lunch. I've been meaning to get into that habit for years.' Although Naasz's taste in toothpastes, mouthwashes, flosses, brushes, and other oral-hygiene aids has grown more sophisticated over time, his desire to make the chore of dental care enjoyable has remained constant. 'Every time I go to the dentist and get a cleaning, I vow that I'll start taking better care of my teeth,' said Naasz, who brushes two times a day and flosses once or twice whenever he buys a new flossing product. 'If I could just find something that would make fighting plaque and tartar less of a boring, repetitive chorelike a really flavorful toothpaste or a cool electric toothbrushthen I'd want to do it.' Naasz's pursuit of good dental hygiene extends beyond dentifrices and brushing devices. He recently embarked upon and quickly abandoned a foray into home tooth-whitening. 'I thought whitening my teeth would be funreally dramatic or something,' Naasz said. 'But the [whitening] strips felt weird against my teeth, and it was torture keeping them in my mouth for 30 minutes. Really, I don't know what I was thinkingI can't even stand gargling with Listerine for 30 seconds.' Faith Combes, Naasz's girlfriend of three years, has stood by as Naasz cycled through dozens of over-the-counter tooth-cleaning products. According to Combes, Naasz's fascination with new dental products is matched only by his ability to grow bored with them. 'Whenever a weird, nobby toothbrush or a ridiculously complicated toothpaste comes out, Mark buys it,' Combes said. 'He was really into this 'liquid calcium' Enamelon for a while. Before that, it was Mentadentyou know, the toothpaste with the 'unique dual-chamber pump.' But then he got tired of buying the big, stupid refill cartridges. He went through an extreme toothpaste phase for a while. But lately, since they opened the Whole Foods near his apartment, he's been on an organic, all-natural kick. Hence the fennel stuff, the taste of which I'm guessing he'll hate.' 'I don't know,' Combes added. 'Somewhere along the line, Mark got it into his head that oral hygiene can somehow be made fun. It's an idea he refuses to let go of.' Naasz's preoccupation with the brushing habit started in 1974, when he received a Pink Panther electric toothbrush on his 6th birthday. Naasz quickly discovered that he didn't like the feeling of motorized bristles on his teeth, began using the Pink Panther toothbrush as a doll, and was well on his way to developing his first cavity. When he reached his teenage years, products like Aquafresh toothpastewith its alternating red, green, and white stripesbriefly appealed to Naasz, who found a renewed interest in fresh breath and white teeth upon reaching dating age. But according to the 36-year-old, not one product has helped make brushing anything but an unpleasant responsibility. 'All the packages look so great in the pharmacy,' Naasz said. 'But using the products is never as nice as looking at them on the shelf, when they're all pure and full of promise. Once you put that first dent in the tube, the allure is gone.' Naasz said that reflecting upon his misbegotten dental-care past 'brings him to the brink of despair.' 'Sometimes I'm like, 'What's wrong with me?'' Naasz said. 'No matter what I buy, I have to force myself to brush, and I come away thinking brushing is an everyday duty that has nothing to do with pleasure.' American Dental Association spokesperson Elizabeth Bagnold said Naasz's case is like many seen by the nation's most prominent dental-health advocacy group. 'For years, the ADA has stated that brushing should be fun,' Bagnold said. 'But upon reviewing Mr. Naasz's case, we are considering revising our policy. Proper oral hygiene provides plenty of lasting benefits, but it is rarely enjoyable for its own sake. I would go so far as to say that fear, rather than fun, provides a much more legitimate motivation to brush and floss daily.'
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Narrowly edging out 7135, 3822 is the nation's favorite personal-identification number, according to the August issue of Money. 'Random-seeming yet easy to remember, 3822 is the 'PIN that's in' for 2001 and beyond,' read a cover story revealing the results of the publication's '2001 Money PIN Poll.' 'I've never gone wrong punching in 3822,' Harrisburg, PA, retiree Nancy Polk said. 'Whether I'm withdrawing money for my hip medication or taking out a big chunk of my life savings for a casino trip, 3822 is the number that gets me there.'
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Newly available townhouse features three bedrooms, two and a half baths, one kitchen, 68 electrical outlets, 16 windows, four ceiling fans, 12 doors, and a large, spacious mausoleum shared with the adjoining unit.
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Describing their behavior as insubordinate and disruptive, heavenly authorities banished four angels from the Kingdom of Eternal Life this week for attempting to unionize, sources from the hereafter reported. These four hardworking angels are only being punished because they exercised their sacred right to organize and make their ethereal voices heard, said archangel Jophiel, an advocate for celestial workplace rights who is representing the ousted cherubim and seraphim as they demand greater compensation, limits on the number of divine messages they can be required to deliver without pausing for a break, and a standard retirement age of 5,600. For eons, its been the job of these eternal guardians to watch over every soul on earth, and its about time they had someone who watches over them. At press time, God announced that any angels joining a union will be dismissed for eternity and replaced with strikebreakers called up from purgatory.
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Nearly four billion years of biological evolution failed to prevent local man Dale Haynes from accidentally drooling all over his pant leg while sitting in his cubicle Monday. 'This flaw in Mr. Haynes' control of basic motor functions, certainly uncorrected since the dawn of hominids and very possibly before, allowed a strand of spittle to emerge from the oral cavity without producing a single neural response,' anthropologist Raymond Hull said. 'Perhaps over the next 50 million years, humans will evolve a mechanism to prevent random discharges of saliva from hanging briefly from one's lower lip before pooling onto the crotch area of one's khakis, making it appear as though one has pissed oneself.' Hull noted, however, that Haynes did possess the evolutionary advancements necessary to untuck his shirt and cover the wet spot until it had dried.
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Law enforcement officials confirmed Friday that four more copy editors were killed this week amid ongoing violence between two rival gangs divided by their loyalties to the The Associated Press Stylebook and The Chicago Manual Of Style. At this time we have reason to believe the killings were gang-related and carried out by adherents of both the AP and Chicago styles, part of a vicious, bloody feud to establish control over the grammar and usage guidelines governing American English, said FBI spokesman Paul Holstein, showing reporters graffiti tags in which the word anti-social had been corrected to read antisocial. The deadly territory dispute between these two organizations, as well as the notorious MLA Handbook gang, has claimed the lives of more than 63 publishing professionals this year alone. Officials also stated that an innocent 35-year-old passerby who found himself caught up in a long-winded dispute over use of the serial, or Oxford, comma had died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
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Saying it felt good to just kick back and decompress after a long day, local woman Kelly Alderman reportedly referred to the four hours she spent scrolling through Facebook before she went to sleep Wednesday as winding down, sources confirmed. As soon as I get home from work, all I want to do is take a load off and relax for a little while, said Alderman, speaking of the period between 7 and 11 p.m. during which she routinely sits on her couch, makes brief comments on her friends status updates, clicks like on several dozen posts, and responds almost instantaneously to any and all notifications she receives before eventually closing her laptop and brushing her teeth. I think its important to spend some time every evening [repeatedly clicking through every one of my acquaintances most recently uploaded photos of the bars theyre visiting or the weddings they recently attended and then just sit there continuously refreshing my news feed] before I turn in for the night. Sources added that Alderman refers to the 25 separate times she scans the social media site on her iPhone throughout the workday as taking a little break.
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In the deadliest clash to date in the bitter and fierce rivalry, four National League fans were reportedly killed Tuesday when vicious riots erupted at Citi Field following the 2013 MLB All-Star game. An NYPD spokesperson confirmed that the violent clashes flared up soon after the final out was recorded in the AL All-Stars 3-0 win and a group of die-hard American League fans engaged in a savage parking lot brawl against supporters of their hated National League rivals. This is a black day for baseball, said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, condemning the shameful behavior of both AL and NL fans that led to one man being stabbed, another trampled and two seemingly bludgeoned to death amid furious and emotional postgame rioting. The strong passions surrounding the All-Star game are no excuse for lawlessness, much less violence. According to NYPD reports, the riots began when several hooligans with AL logo tattoos and jerseys physically assaulted an NL fan who had allegedly shouted several obscenities about designated hitters and called their leagues pitchers pussies who cant hit a fucking baseball for shit. The brawl reportedly spiraled out of control, as security personnel were helpless to contain hundreds of angry, drunken fans pummeling each other with their fists. The violent mayhem, sources confirmed, quickly escalated and NL and AL devotees resorted to throwing rocks, bottles, and garbage cans. The fans hate each other, and of course the players absolutely despise each other, so you expect tempers to run high at this game, but not like this, said a bleeding Amy Meijer, 37, who barely escaped from a riot scene she described as horrific. This kind of brutality now seems to happen at every single All-Star game. It has to stop. In addition to the four deaths, at least 73 people were hospitalized with injuries and 37 were arrested in the clash, which sources confirmed was one of the bloodiest in the history of the bitter AL-NL rivalry and the deadliest since 2007, when the American Leagues 5-4 victory set off riots that resulted in two fatalities and San Franciscos AT&T Park being partially burned to the ground. In the end, the blame is with a culture completely dominated by a massive AL-NL rivalry, said broadcast commentator Tim McCarver, who called the contempt-fueled brutality a terrible consequence of the excessive hatred many fans bring to this game. Now, I come from an NL family, so I understand how beating the AL can sometimes seem like the only thing that really matters. But when a tragedy like this happens, we are reminded that there are more important things than the outcome of the MLB All-Star game. Today, we are more than the National League bumper sticker on our car or the American League flag hanging from our porch, McCarver added. Today, we are all baseball fans.
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According to a study released Monday by the Texas Dental Association, four out of five dentists in the Lone Star State advocate the use of capital punishment. 'About 80 percent of the dentists surveyed recommend brushing three times daily, regular dental check-ups, and death by lethal injection should a prisoner be found guilty of homicide in a court of law,' TDA spokeswoman Stacy Gunderson said. 'Simply putting criminals in hard-to-reach places isn't enough of a deterrent. Rinsing the scum out of death row is vital for the long-term health of this state.' Gunderson then called for justice, and plenty of all-natural sugar-free snacks, to be served.
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Four United States senators are reportedly recovering in Washington-area hospitals today following a shocking and grisly incident Thursday night, when a 480-pound male tiger brutally mauled the elected officials in front of a full audience at the nightly Congressional Exotic Live Tiger Show held in the senate chamber. At the time of the incident, [Sen.] Dianne [Feinstein (D-CA)] and I were performing a routine flaming ring jumpa trick weve done hundreds of times during the shows nine-year runwhen Marduk, one of our white Bengal tigers, swatted her to the ground and then proceeded to clench her in his teeth and toss her around on the podium for several seconds, said chief congressional tiger-master and two-term Georgia senator Saxby Chambliss, appearing deeply shaken as he explained how the tiger then leapt into the crowd and attacked Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), Carl Levin (D-MI), and Pat Roberts (R-KS), dragging the latter by the neck out to the Capitol rotunda. I still have no idea what went wrong. Marduk had been completely docile and compliant from the beginning of the show when I commanded him and [Siberian tiger] Georgina to stand up on their hind legs at the start of the Pledge of Allegiance, to when Mitch [McConnell] led him through his choreographed leaps across all 100 senate desks. Its just a terrible tragedy. In the wake of the incident, all upcoming live tiger shows have been canceled indefinitely, though congressional sources confirmed The Magic Of McCain Illusion Extravaganza would continue its twice-nightly performances as scheduled.
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SAN BERNARDINO, CAAccording to his mother, 4-year-old Justin Finley 'absolutely loved' a recent family trip to Italy. 'He adored the fountains and the wonderful food, but Justin's favorite part of the trip was the La Scala Opera House in Milan,' Heather Finley said Monday. 'He was so excited at the La Scala that he was jumping up and down on the benches and climbing up the curtains.' Finley then launched into her 23rd recounting of the family's tour of St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, where Justin pointed to the gilt ceiling and said, 'Look, pretty yellow!'
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According to sources, local 4-year-old Annie Platt spent much of Tuesday afternoon showing the ropes to her newest toy, a stuffed rag doll named Lucy. 'You have to come to tea time when I say so, and stay away from Jerry the monkey, because he bites,' Platt said after familiarizing Lucy with the box of crayons, the beanbag chair, and the play stove, which the new doll is under no circumstances ever allowed to touch. 'And remember, I'm in charge here, so I make the rules.' Later in the day, Platt reportedly forced Lucy to sit in the corner, allegedly for breaking nap time rules, but many in the playroom felt the toddler was simultaneously trying to establish her dominance over the newcomer while sending a warning to the other toys.
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Though intended to cheer up family members, the unflagging optimism of 4-year-old Shelby Cooper has served only to exacerbate the financial stress her parents have experienced since her father lost his job two years ago, sources reported Monday. It used to make me smile when shed say, Dont worry! Youll get a million dollars! said Ken Cooper, admitting he has since grown to dread his daughters good-luck nose kisses. But now when she crawls onto my lap and tells me I shouldnt be sad because Im the strongest Daddy in the whole world, it just makes me feel like an even bigger failure. At press time, Shelby was coloring a picture of her mother, who when reached for comment said drawings of her leaving the hospital on a rainbow only made her worry more about how the family would pay for her cancer treatments.
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Doleful News has been from Baltimore receiv'd, and that being: Of the WRECK of the Slaver Betsy at Sea, and its entire CARGO of 40,000 Pounds SUNKEN, to the furthest Depths of dread Neptune's hearth, ninety Leagues off Hatteras, on March the 4th. The star-cross'd Frigate took on Water during a Tempest, and despite the attempts of the Crew to jettison the less valuable members of the Hold, so as to lighten the Tonnage in the densely pack'd Hull, the Onrush of the cruel Sea overwhelm'd the valiant Effort. A small Solace can be found in the Survival of Capt Wm HARRIS and eight of his Crew, who escap'd the foundered Betsy in the vessel's Long-Boate, and were recover'd, barely alive, by the Privateer Reck-Less. Lost and believed perish'd are First Mate A. Swallow, Purser Minchin, and Bo'sun Harker, and most poignantly, the belov'd Mascot of the Voyage, the Bull Terrier 'Punch'; and, noting that their loss does out-weigh that of any material Goodes, we Grieve beside their Familie and Belov'd-Ones. Word of the Disaster stunn'd Many who had assembl'd in Baltimore Town Green to bid in an Auction of the very Cargo that now lay Use-less on the bottom of the Ocean Atlantic. A Charitable Fund has been establish'd by the Prominent of Baltimore and this very Gazette to assist in the Compensation of the Victims of the Tragedy, crewe-men and Investors a-like, many of whom risk'd the Entirety of their Purses in the Endeavour, and have Families to support during this trying Time. The Publisher of this News Paper wishes to assure the Publick that the Slavery Trade remains By and Large a gainful One, and this Set Back need only serve as a temporary Nuisance if Gentle Men of Commerce soundly ESCHEW the Impulse to panick. Demand for Bonded Labour has peak'd, and it is widely agreed that, though a minim of up-keep is sadly a Necessity, a Slave is an Excellent Value for the Money, as Divine Providence has seen to it that a Majority are Durable, Water Resistant, an' even Buoyant when not shackl'd, and their Masters derive much serviceable Use from them before their Expiration Dates, soon though many may Be.
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According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed to be the bloodiest Black Friday shopping event in history. First responders reporting from retail stores all across the nation said the record-breaking post-Thanksgiving shopping spree carnage began as early as midnight on Friday, when 13 million shoppers were reportedly trampled, pummeled, burned, stabbed, shot, lanced, and brutally beaten to death while attempting to participate in early holiday sales events. Law enforcement officials said the bloodbath only escalated throughout the weekend as hordes of savage holiday shoppers began murdering customers at Wal-Mart, Sears, and JCPenney locations nationwide, leaving piles of dismembered and mutilated corpses in their wake. The level of bloodshed this year was almost beyond imaginationno prior Black Friday could have prepared us for this, said National Guard commander Frank Grass, talking to reporters in front of the still-smoldering remains of a local Best Buy that was burned to the ground Saturday. We had fire trucks, police cruisers, and guardsmen stationed at multiple locations, but it was useless. At the moment, hundreds of thousands of American shoppers are still unaccounted for, and we expect $2 billion in damage has been wrought upon our cities. The stench of death is unbearable, a tearful Grass added. Simply unbearable. As the weekend of sales drew to a close, ambulances could be seen circling the now empty and completely ravaged shopping complexes as they searched for signs of life, while clean-up crews worked to clear the rubble, overturned cars, and large pools of blood from local Kohls and Macys parking lots. The White House issued an official response, stating, We mourn the deaths of those 42 million American shoppers who tragically lost their lives this Black Friday. Survivors of the deadly holiday sales event said that while the weekend began as a chance to get in on some unbeatable post-Thanksgiving deals, it quickly escalated into a merciless, no-hold-barred fight to the death. At some point in time we all stopped caring about the deals and the holiday shopping and were pretty much just out for blood, said Dana Marshall, 37, a Target shopper who suffered seven broken ribs and a cracked sternum while fighting two other customers for a discounted Nikon digital camera. I remember just sitting on top of a woman and smacking her head with a DVD player until her face was completely unrecognizable. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. The selfnews will continue to publish a running list of the Black Friday dead throughout the week.
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In what is being called the worst blood disaster in U.S. history, the Red Cross Western Blood Pipeline ruptured Tuesday evening, spilling 45 million gallons of crude O positive across a three-mile radius. Ive never seen anything like this; right now theres blood up to four feet deep in some places, and its beginning to seep into the local water supply, said Red Cross relief worker Tony Benson, adding that volunteers were needed for the massive effort to clean the blood-soaked wildlife located near the Texas-California pipeline. Long term were looking at hundreds of millions of dollars in cleanup and property damage, but right now the challenge will just be scrambling to make up for the sheer loss of blood. At press time, authorities warned residents to stay in their homes while helicopters spray the area with anticoagulants.
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Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went really great. That was a wonderful experience from beginning to endjust a really nice way to spend an afternoon, you know? said Schulhoff, remarking that his time spent navigating the automated menu, listening to hold music, and repeating the same information to several different representatives for just under an hour was a real joy and very satisfying. I talked with Debbie in the claims department for a while, which was lovely, and then she transferred me to her supervisor. I didnt think it could get much better than that, but then I got connected with Anthony in card services, and I really enjoyed that too. I couldnt believe I was on the phone so longit was such a good time, the whole thing just flew right by. Frankly, I was kind of sad when the call came to an end. After logging into his online credit card account several hours later, Schulhoff was reportedly pleased to discover that his issue remained unresolved and he would get another opportunity to be in touch with MasterCard.
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Continuing a trend that began in the Senate last November, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) announced Monday that 45 members of the House of Representatives would be laid off and replaced by cost-efficient heavy legislating machinery. A legislating machine does the work of 10 members of the House Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit. 'I feel awful for my colleagues who are now out of work,' DeLay told reporters at a press conference. 'I've known some of these people for years, but the fact remains that these new machines can pass bills up to 10 times faster than their human counterparts. Like it or not, this is the future.' In spite of denials from congressional leaders, the rash of job cuts has some legislators worried that Congress will be fully mechanized within 10 years. 'The House and Senate will always need people,' Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said. 'These machines are a valuable tool, but there's still no substitute for the wisdom and experience of an actual human congressman. Everything that happens in Congress requires, to some extent, the human touch. Except maybe drafting legislation. That can pretty much be done by machine.' Though both Hastert and DeLay insist that increased congressional automation would be a boon for the overworked legislators, the alarming rate of layoffs is causing anxiety on Capitol Hill. 'Our bosses say nothing is ever going to replace old-fashioned, hands-on legislation, but I have my doubts,' said a Michigan representative speaking on condition of anonymity. 'As it stands, we only have a few seconds to look over the bill before putting it in the machine to vote or amend. If we try to take a closer look, DeLay gets on our ass about holding up the line. I don't want to pass shoddy legislation, but I don't want to lose my job, either.' Robert Barnes, managing editor of Congressional Quarterly, predicted that the legislative body's workforce will be cut in half by the end of 2005. 'The fact is, there's little a human legislator does that a machine can't handle,' Barnes said. 'All you have to do is program the machine as either Democrat or Republican, and it'll vote along the exact same party lines as a real lawmaker. We know exactly how Ted Kennedy or Orrin Hatch will vote on, say, banning flag-burning, so there's really no reason to keep them around when a machine can do it for a fraction of the cost.' 'Frankly,' Barnes continued, 'I wouldn't be surprised if, in 20 years, the machines get phased out in favor of computer simulations that can carry out an entire legislative sessionfrom introduction of a bill to debate to votein a fraction of a second.' On top of feeling unappreciated and expendable, many representatives expressed displeasure about a decline in working conditions, including the addition of shifts to facilitate round-the-clock legislation. Tensions have been so high that Beltway insiders don't rule out the possibility of a congressional walkout, which would grind the U.S. lawmaking industry to a halt. DeLay, however, said he is confident the representatives will stay on the job. 'These are good men and, sure, they like to run their mouth off, but they're not going to strike,' DeLay said. 'Once they get used to the machines and the new regulations, things will normalize. Besides, where else are these legislators going to go if they quit? I mean, their skills aren't exactly what I'd call transferrable.'
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In spite of predictions to the contrary, Larry Naering, a 45-year-old research scientist, has failed to make someone very happy one day, his mother Nancy reported Monday. 'He's always been such a handsome, responsible boy,' said Nancy, who used to look forward to having grandchildren. 'I always told him that some girl was going to discover a real hidden treasure if she took the time to look at him. I guess I was wrong.' Nancy said her son's chances of finding that one-in-a-million love have dwindled to one in 50 billion.
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In his effort to gain critical insight into the priorities and inclinations of millennials, campaign sources confirmed Monday that seventh district congressional challenger Doug Ose enlisted the expertise of a 45-year-old political strategist to help reach the youth vote. Young voters in this country arent interested in lectures; they want a candidate who has a plan and will engage with them directly through social media, said a man currently deep into his fifth decade of life, who was born during the first year of the Nixon administration and graduated from high school more than a quarter century ago. Eighteen- to 29-year-olds arent watching TV; theyre on their phones and online. Thats where your message needs to be. At press time, the man, who has been married 20 years and remembers watching the Berlin Wall fall during his sophomore year of college, was stressing the need to create a viral campaign ad.
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After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that his weight was becoming a serious health problem, 450-pound local man Dale Carver, 43, reportedly told his physician that he hadnt come to his appointment for a lecture on how to live. Look, professor, I didnt come in here today for a lesson plan, so lets maybe take it down a notch or two, okay? said Carver, noting that he was a full-grown adult who had not signed up for a 15-minute sermon on the life-threatening risks of high blood sugar. With all due respect, Im not paying you for food recommendations, so if you could just prescribe me something for my high cholesterol and diabetes, thatd be great. Sources confirmed that after receiving his prescriptions, Carver went outside, walked to his car, and then spent several minutes regaining enough breath to be able to drive home.
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An estimated 450,000 unsold copies of Time's special April 22 Earth Day issue were trucked Monday from the magazine's New Jersey distribution center to the Fresh Kills landfill in Staten Island. A dumptruck unloads copies of <I>Time</I>'s recent Earth Day issue (below) at a Staten Island landfill. The discarded copies of the issuewhich features articles about conservation, biodiversity, and recycling, as well as guest editorials by President Clinton and Leonardo DiCaprioare expected to decompose slowly over the next 175 years. 'Unfortunately, 'Earth Day 2000' wasn't as successful as we had hoped,' Time managing editor Walter Isaacson said. 'After selling out of such special issues as 'The Future Of Medicine,' 'Baseball At 100,' 'The Kennedys: An American Dynasty,' and 'Celebrating The American Automobile,' we thought we had another winner with this one. But of a press run of 485,000, only 35,000 sold. I guess we overestimated the demand for a full-color, 98-page Earth Day issue printed on glossy, high-pulp paper.' Time: How To Save The Earth The enormous number of unsold copies created major headaches for both Time's distribution department and subcontractor Interstate Periodical Distributors. Some 1,300 semi trucks, many less than a third full due to isolated pick-up points, were needed to transport the 450,000 magazines from newsstands and bookstores across the U.S. to Time's main warehouse in Elizabeth, NJ. From there, the magazines were loaded onto 85 idling dumptrucks by gasoline-powered forklifts. Upon arriving at Fresh Kills, the world's largest landfill, the unsold issues were transformed into a 75-ton mountain of waste paper by a fleet of diesel bulldozers. 'Originally, our intent was to recycle any unsold copies of the issue after the subscription cards were taken out, the cover separated from the contents, the polystyrene-based glue baked off the binding, and the color photo sections separated from the print pages,' Time director of operations Christine Alarie said. 'But unfortunately, with the unexpectedly large number of issues we were dealing with, it just wasn't feasible.' A discarded copy of the Earth Day issue sits in an office garbage can in St. Joseph, MO. The three-acre section of Fresh Kills now made up entirely of Earth Day issues will slowly leak pollutants from the magazine's bleach, inks, and color-photo dye-sublimation chemicals into the soil. Isaacson stressed, however, that the threat of such contaminants pales in comparison to the dangers posed by disposable diapers, fast-food cartons, six-pack holders and, discarded batteriesenvironmentally hazardous consumer goods the Earth Day issue spoke out against and will eventually be covered by in the landfill. 'The American consumer had a choice to make: buy Time's Earth Day issue and dispose of it in an eco-friendly manner, or ignore its message by leaving it on the shelf,' Isaacson said. 'They made the choice to waste not only Time Warner's non-renewable resources, but the Earth's, as well.' 'As we said in the issue,' Isaacson said, 'people have no one to blame but themselves.'
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We decided not to do this. We were tired. Maybe we will do this in the future. You should check back tomorrow and see if weve posted 45,589,321 healthy kale recipes. Maybe well have the energy. Maybe we wont. When both of your parents die, its hard not to feel like an orphan. You have a good day, and enjoy the rest of your summer.
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An Internet worm that disabled networks across the U.S. Monday and Tuesday temporarily thrust the nation into its most severe maelstrom of productivity since 1992. 48-Hour Internet Outage Plunges Nation Into Productivity 'In all my years, I've never seen anything like this,' said Price Stern Sloan system administrator Andrew Walton, whose effort to restore web service to his company's network was repeatedly hampered by employees busily working at their computers. 'The local-access network is functioning, so people can transfer work projects to one another, but there's no e-mail, no eBay, no flaminglips.com. It's pretty much every office worker's worst nightmare.' According to Samuel Kessler, senior director at Symantec, which makes the popular Norton Antivirus software, the Internet 'basically collapsed' Monday at 8:34 a.m. EST. The Gibe-F worm, an e-mail-transmittable virus, initiated cascading server failures. Within an hour, Internet service to more than 90 percent of the U.S. was disabled, either by the worm or by network firewalls that initiated security protocols. 'Unlike SoBig or Blaster, this worm didn't harm individual computers; it just used them as a gate to attack the Internet at the ISP level,' Kessler said. 'Computer technicians at most offices couldn't do anything but sit by helplessly as people worked through stacks of filing, wrote business-related letters they'd put off for months, and sold record amounts of goods and services over the phone.' Shortly after office workers found their web, e-mail, and instant-messaging capabilities disabled, reports of torrential productivity began to reach corporate offices nationwide. 'My first thought was 'My God, this has to be some kind of mistake,'' said Prudential Insurance executive vice-president Shane Mullins of San Francisco. 'My e-mail wasn't working. Nerve.com wasn't working. I eventually found out that the company web site wasn't working, either. But by that time, my inbox was filling up like you wouldn't believe.' The Internet outage forced a Minneapolis couple to tackle a task they'd put off for months. 'My actual physical inbox,' Mullins added. 'It's this gray plastic thing on my desktopthe top of the desk I sit at.' With workers denied access to ESPN.com, Salon, Fark.com, and Friendster, employers struggled to keep up with the sudden increase in efficiency. 'Our office was working at roughly 95 percent efficiency,' said Steven Glover, an advertising executive and creative team leader at Rae Jaynes Houser. 'It's problematic to have the rate jump like thatit sets a precedent that will be impossible to maintain once the Internet comes back.' Glover said his department failed to reach 100 percent productivity only because employees stopped work every few minutes throughout the outage to see if Internet service had been restored. 'This is terrible,' said Miami resident Ron Lewison, an employee at Gladstone Finance and an Amazon.com Top 500 Reviewer. 'For two days, I've been denied access to the vital information I need to go about my workday. In the absence of that information, I've been forced to go about my job.' According to Labor Department statistics, companies affected by the Internet outage generated an estimated $4 to $6 billion in extra revenue. 'Losses to online retail companies will be considerable, ' said Jae Miles, senior financial economist at Banc One Capital Markets in Chicago. 'Nevertheless, the outage's overall impact on the national economy will be a positive one. The losses should be easily offset by the gains to companies that depend primarily on people finishing actual work.' As of press time, many administrators had begun to apply a patch that combats the Gibe-F worm. 'Thank God, Earthlink service is back, and with it, online shopping and entertainment news,' office worker Emily Jaynes said at 7 p.m. Tuesday. 'I'm ready to head home now. I couldn't bear to spend another evening repainting furniture and using my pool.' Financial experts say they hope to have detailed data on the economic impact of the outage within the next 24 hours. 'When American office workers are denied access to vast, complex streams of ever-fluctuating and evolving information, they tend to get a lot done,' said Nicole Dansby, a business-information analyst employed by the New York Stock Exchange. 'The extended Internet outage may or may not have had something to do with the Dow's 278-point jump Tuesday. I'll have to, you know, check the web for a few hours and get back to you.'
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According to sources in the war-torn country, 48 unarmed Syrians in the small town of Daraya were murdered by government forces while Homeland star Claire Danes accepted the award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series at the 64th annual Primetime Emmy Awards Sunday evening. This is just an incredible evening, and an incredible honor, said Danes, proudly holding up her Emmy just as a group of innocent men, women, and children were reportedly thrown against a wall and executed one by one by Syrian troops wielding high-powered assault rifles. I wouldnt be up here right now if it wasnt for the support of my wonderful familyI love you all more than anythingas well as the absolutely amazing writers, cast, and crew of this show. And, of course, Howard Gordon and Alex Gansa, who have the unbelievable courage to put such a fearless and daring show on television. Thank you so much. At press time, government soldiers were throwing the bloodied corpses of the civilians into a large mass grave as Lena Dunham was anxiously waiting to hear if Girls would win the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series.
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Describing himself as 'open-minded' and 'very willing to try new things,' 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconventional as it may sound, he's actually quite receptive to the idea of dating 25-year-old women. 'I know we wouldn't have very much in common and would probably have completely different values, but I think those are obstacles I would be able to overcome,' said Bogan, who added that after giving the matter a lot of thought, he had to admit the concept of getting involved with an attractive woman in her mid-20s very much appealed to him. 'While you might think I'd be embarrassed to be seen with someone young enough to be my daughter, at this point in my life, I'm comfortable enough with who I am not to care what people think about me.' 'I'm not saying it's for everybody, but for me personally, if the opportunity came along to engage in a romantic relationship with a woman just a couple years out of college, I'd be willing to give it a shot,' Bogan continued. 'But hey, that's just me.' Bogan said he was 'fully aware' there were many differences between himself and 25-year-old women, citing, in particular, their youthful temperaments, taut figures, and the more trendy, revealing clothing they often wear. However, despite such generational dissimilarities, Bogan confirmed he would still consider going out with someone that age. In fact, Bogan stated he would likely be 'totally fine with it,' even if the young woman were Asian. 'Look, I understand that a far younger woman would have much less life experience and be in an inferior financial position, but I think I would still be okay with dating her,' Bogan said. 'You know, I actually have quite a bit of money, and I wouldn't be averse to spending some of it to keep her happy. Maybe I could take her on a luxurious vacation or pay for her to go shopping. Who knows? A 25-year-old woman might even find that enjoyable.' Recognizing that some men might be ashamed of a two- decade age difference or attempt to hide such a relationship, the middle-aged Chicago attorney said he would in many ways be proud, actually, to be seen alongside a gorgeous young woman. Bogan went on to say he would be very much willing to introduce a 25-year-old woman to his friends and colleagues, as well as spend time with her and her equally young female friends at trendy night spots. 'If she wanted me to try certain fashions that I would never in a million years choose for myself but that she thought made me more attractivelike wearing skintight shirts or growing out a goateeI could probably make that work,' Bogan said. 'I'd also be willing to listen to music and attend concerts that would make a man of my age look completely out of place, if she wanted. I guess I'm just an easygoing guy in that way.' 'I know, I knowa young, fit, 25-year-old yoga instructor seems like the last type of woman I'd be interested in,' Bogan said while smiling and shaking his head. 'But I am who I am, you know?' According to Bogan, even if a 25-year-old were more sexually adventurous than he was accustomed to, he believed that would be something he could deal with. While acknowledging he does not know how his feelings will evolve as the years pass, Bogan said he could see himself being open to dating 25-year-olds well into his 60s or 70s. Bogan also mentioned that if things didn't work out with one 25-year-old, he wouldn't rule out trying it again. 'It sounds crazy, but a really, really good-looking twentysomething woman is actually a huge turn-on for me,' Bogan said. 'I can't quite put my finger on it, but it seems there's just something about intellectually unchallenging, fitter, more youthful-looking women that I'm very drawn to.' But regardless of his self-described 'open-minded' approach toward dating, Bogan confirmed there were some characteristics in women he considered nonstarters. 'I've met a lot of 49- and 50-year-olds, and frankly, we just don't seem to connect,' Bogan said. 'There's no spark, no attraction. While it might work for other people, I'm personally not really open to the idea of dating older women.' 'We all have our boundaries,' Bogan added.
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Bob Cellini, a 48-year-old North Bellmore postal supervisor, informed coworkers Tuesday that he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. Postal supervisor Bob Cellini. 'Working for the post office is okay for some people,' said Cellini, addressing a trio of letter carriers in the Newbridge Road Postal Station break room. 'But I feel like I've got a lot more to offer the world. I just need to find my true calling, so to speak.' Cellini, who has worked at the Newbridge Road branch for seven years, has held 14 jobs since graduating from Nassau Community College in 1974. Among them: a three-year stint at the Farmingdale Post Office, six years as a UPS delivery driver, two years as a teller at Anchor Bank, and 18 months as an office-furniture salesman with Workplace Solutions. 'At Workplace Solutions, I sold a lot of chairs to Davis-Gennaro Advertising, one of Long Island's biggest ad agencies,' Cellini said. 'I always did well selling to them. I think that's because, just like them, I'm one of those people who's able to think along creative lines. I think I'd do well in advertising. Maybe I could fill out an application next time I'm in the neighborhood.' Other careers Cellini has considered include lawyer, private detective, special-effects artist, used-bookstore owner, pastry chef, sitcom writer, and paramedic. Cellini said that whatever he winds up doing with his life will undoubtedly incorporate one of his many interests. 'I like tons of different things, and I think one of them will eventually lead to my career,' the unmarried Cellini said. 'Like, I recently made a spice rack for my kitchen, which got me thinking, 'Hey, and I should start my own woodworking shop!' Other people probably just would have made the spice rack without it ever occurring to them that it could be something more than just a hobby. And these are people who probably have boring jobs they hate. I guess I've just always believed you should follow your passion.' Cellini admitted that his ascent from mail sorter to mailroom supervisor has temporarily sidetracked his search for his ideal career. 'As long as I've been a postal worker, I've been keeping an eye out for something that's more 'me',' Cellini said. 'But I kept getting promotions and raises, which makes this job harder to walk away from. Just as soon as I know what I really want to do, though, I'm definitely out of here.'
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More than three decades after attending and graduating from High Point Middle School, area 49-year-old Dean Whitaker announced this week that his confidence levels had nearly returned to their pre-junior-high levels. At this point, my self-image has almost recovered to where it was when I first set foot in Mrs. Curriers sixth-grade homeroom, and Im getting close to being able to approach a group of my peers and engage them in conversation without fear they will silently judge me or make fun of me to my face, Whitaker told reporters, confirming that while hes not quite there yet, hes optimistic that he will eventually regain the amount of self-assurance he possessed at age 11. Ive just about worked through the self-doubt, and hopefully it wont be too much longer before I can openly discuss the kinds of music I like or people I might be interested in dating. If everything keeps progressing, I think Im only a few more years away. Whitaker admitted, however, that he doesnt ever expect to get back to his second-grade self, explaining that in those days he had actually been capable of experiencing pure, uncomplicated happiness.
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Members of the 49ers front office admitted to frantically cleaning up clutter and rearranging furniture in the teams conference room several hours before last Friday's scheduled meeting with wide receiver Derrick Mason. Oh my God, I cant believe an actual, real-life football player is coming here to meet us, 49ers president Jed York told reporters before taking a deep breath, wiping sweat from his forehead, and yelling at his colleagues not to come off as too desperate. Lets just be cool. Well let him be the first person to bring up football, and then well mention that were fans of his, real casual. Waitshould we have shoulder pads in here? Is he going to want to play football with us or just talk about football? But maybe he doesn't want to be put on the spot. You think we hung up too many pictures of him on the wall? At press time, Mason had yet to show, and a visibly solemn York had to be comforted by team GM Trent Baalke, who assured his boss that Mason was probably just stuck in traffic somewhere.
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Claiming the perilous terrain presented an insurmountable obstacle to any rescue attempts, the medical crew for the San Francisco 49ers confirmed Thursday that they were forced to abandon all efforts to reach injured special teams player L.J. McCray due to the incredibly treacherous turf conditions at Levis Stadium. Its way too dangerous out there, and, unfortunately, we just cant risk putting our staff in harms way in order to get to L.J., said athletic trainer Manny Rivera, explaining that his medical team had initially attempted to make their way to McCrays position, but were forced to turn back halfway upon seeing the hazardous, totally uneven playing surface firsthand. This is a decision that no one would ever want to make, but the last thing we need is to have more people potentially trapped out there as well. Sadly, L.J. is on his own now, and all we can do is pray that he makes it out alive. At press time, emergency crews were scrambling after a sinkhole suddenly opened on the 15-yard line and swallowed the entire 49ers secondary.
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Frustrated by the ineffectiveness of head coach Mike Nolan, the 49ers organization announced Monday that backup coach Tom Gorzynski, a journeyman the team picked up off the coaching waiver wire in August, will make his first NFL start against the Falcons Sunday. 'I just need to take advantage of this opportunity to show I can coach at this level,' said Gorzynski, who has been making all coaching decisions for the 49ers practice squad this season. 'I'm ready to take the reins and make the players make something happen. I just need to go out to the sideline and coach my own game plan. I know it's a huge responsibility, but I'm confident in my scheduling, managing, and delegating.' Although Gorzynski feels his effort will be highly scrutinized, he said coaching PATs in preseason, as well as coaching several kneel-down plays late in the fourth quarter of games during the regular season, had given him unbridled confidence.
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A determined President Bush posted a $5 million bounty on the nation's economic downturn Monday. 'This recession may run its course, but it cannot hide,' Bush said. 'We will find you, and we will end you.' Bush is also offering a $2 million reward for information leading to an increase in durable-goods orders in the second quarter.
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The Texas Highway Patrol announced that Dallas and Fort Worth, the state's largest metropolitan area, was killed instantly during evening rush hour Monday, after their 5,104,233 vehicles were involved in a series of violent head-on, rear-end, and T-bone collisions on Interstate 30. 'This is one of the worst wrecks I've seen, made even sadder by the fact that these cities were so young,' state trooper Lew Pettibone said. 'It's especially painful knowing how close these cities were.' Dallas, 151, and Fort Worth, which turned 134 two weeks ago, are survived by their sister city, Arlington, and several younger suburbs.
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Saying that they had finally attained a life of slightly less uncertainty, 5 million of the nations illegal immigrants confirmed that the executive order announced by President Obama Thursday night would allow them to at last realize their dreams of having their deportation deferred for an indeterminate period of time. When I came to this country 11 years ago, it was in the hope that one day, if I worked hard enough, I could be granted a temporary, tenuous reprieve from the threat of being forcefully removed, said undocumented immigrant Luiz Adelo, adding that, like millions of his fellow illegal immigrants, he was overjoyed to learn that he will not be detained by Immigration Services in the very immediate future. After escaping the drug cartel violence of my village and fleeing to America, it was the thought of a life suspended in complete limbo that kept me going as I traveled through the grueling desert terrain for three days. To be tacitly allowed to live and work in this country that I love, all the while knowing that this protection could disappear in two years, or even two monthsits made it all worth it. Sources confirmed that the 6 million immigrants not covered by the plan had scaled back their dreams to simply being political pawns in a future partisan showdown.
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Noting that the large public university had suddenly emerged as the high school students top choice for the fall, sources confirmed Wednesday that a single weekend spent with a friend who attends Penn State completely superseded all of graduating senior Tyler Pinces college research over the past five months. The 18-year-old, who has attended numerous sessions with a guidance counselor at his high school and spent many hours discussing prospective colleges with his parents, reached his decision following two days in which he attended a Nittany Lions basketball game, had a number of drinks at an off-campus house party, and met several studentsincluding a really cool member of the schools lacrosse teamwho live in the same dorm as Jeff Whitmore, a Penn State freshman and friend from Pinces hometown. It was an amazing weekend, and I think the school would be a really good fit for me, said Pince, who had previously determined that the individualized attention of a liberal arts college would suit him better than a school with tens of thousands of undergraduates, but has reportedly changed his mind following the visit in which he spent a total of 25 minutes walking through the actual campus. My buddy Jeffs dorm room is pretty nice. He has a mini-fridge that he keeps some food and beers in, and he introduced me to some guys on his floor who all seemed pretty cool. His roommate even skipped a lecture to hang out with us. Its awesome to know you can do that. Later, we went out to a bunch of bars near campus, and at one of them the guy at the door didnt even check ID, Pince continued. I guess I can just kind of see myself at Penn State, you know? Reports indicated that while Pince recently attended a college fair at which he found himself impressed with the course offerings and financial-aid packages of several schools in his home state of Maryland, all such considerations were dismissed after he went to an 80s-themed party at a Penn State fraternity house where he drank Keystone Light from a plastic cup and helped hold his friends legs for a keg stand. According to sources, Pince never actually entered any of the campuss academic facilities, coming closest when he was drunkenly stumbling back from the party and happened to urinate on the side of the Applied Science Building. They let you take as much food as you want in the cafeteria, which is really nice, said the student who has spent more than a dozen cumulative hours exploring various colleges websites for insights into their academic programs, before explaining that Whitmore helped him sneak into the dining hall and used his unlimited meal plan to get Pince breakfast from the make-your-own-omelet station. If youre a student there, you can use your card to buy Gatorade and Doritos and stuff like that. They have a little convenience store in the dorm lobby. Jeff told me that you can even set up your schedule so you dont have classes on Fridayshow great is that? Pince continued. I talked to this one guy who doesnt have any classes before noon and gets to sleep in every day. During his 44-hour visit, Pince reportedly met a student who described the university as a really good school and its academic reputation as pretty solid, assessments that are said to have convinced the 12th-grader that Penn State would be a good place for him to study, even though he has long planned to major in public policy, a degree not offered by any department on the campus. There are also a lot of really good-looking girls there, too, which doesnt hurt anything, said Pince, whose bedroom bookshelf currently contains several volumes with titles like The Best 380 Colleges and Petersons Four-Year Colleges, as well as the Best Colleges issue of U.S. News & World Report, the entire contents of which he has now disregarded. I really liked it a lot. At this point, I honestly cant see myself going anywhere else. At press time, sources confirmed at least three friends in Pinces high school class are planning to attend Penn State after hearing him talk about his weekend.
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Hours after an FBI raid freed him from the underground bunker where he had been held hostage for six days, 5-year-old Alabama boy Ethan told reporters that he already misses his fun, super-cool Bunker Grandpa. Bunker Grandpa let me stay up all night and do whatever I want! Ethan said Monday night, adding that he couldnt wait to tell all his friends at school about getting to spend a week playing in an awesome underground playhouse with [his] new best friend. He said I never had to go to school again, and as long as I was real quiet, he let me eat Skittles for dinner every night! I love Bunker Pop-Pop. Ethan stated that the best part of the experience was when the 65-year-old kidnapper let him see a real gun way up close.
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Radically reversing nearly three weeks of precedent, local 5-year-old Tricia Billings announced Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape. 'Circles aren't my favorite anymore,' said Billings, denouncing the closed-curve geometric construction that, just last month, she called 'the best shape in the whole world.' 'I don't like them.' The stunning announcement reportedly comes after Billings had taken a staunch pro-circle stance by talking constantly about circles; pointing out circular objects during car rides; and sometimes even running into the living room, showing her parents a picture of a circle, and then running back to her bedroom. In fact, just moments prior to Saturday's definitive anti-circle declaration, Billings was reportedly seen using crayons to color in multiple circles on an otherwise blank sheet of construction paper, a seemingly contradictory signal that has made it difficult for observers to speculate upon the motivation behind her groundbreaking retraction. 'I don't like triangles, either,' said Billings, eliminating all three-sided polygons from the short list of contenders for most-admired shape. 'Jenny likes triangles. I want my own favorite.' According to sources, the 5-year-old's sudden renunciation of the circle is only the most recent display of erratic behavior in a week that has also seen an abrupt switch of her favorite color from red to green and a sudden, entirely unanticipated condemnation of her Yo Gabba Gabba! CD, which she reportedly used to listen to on loop. While Billings has yet to announce an interim favorite shape, sources close to the 5-year-old have suggested that trapezoids, rectangles, andfollowing her discovery of stop signs earlier this monthoctagons could all be potential candidates. Billings' mother, Sandra, who was overheard saying, 'That's nice, dear,' in response to the surprising dinner-table announcement, did not address her daughter's selection of a new favorite shape. 'She has such an active imagination,' Sandra Billings, 35, told reporters in the wake of her daughter's statement, which threw the child's shape rankings into complete chaos and called into question her current opinions on squares, ovals, and pentagons. 'Every week she seems to talk about new, exciting things she's learned at school.' Amid what is widely expected to be a tumultuous and disruptive transition, Billings reaffirmed she still really likes hearts and macaroni and cheese. Still, experts across the country said they couldn't help but feel a little caught off guard by Billings' reversal. Tricia threw us a real curveball here, said Education Secretary Arne Duncan, adding that even though Billings has been vacillating between circles and trapezoids for a few weeks now, he had assumed the round shape would remain her favorite for the foreseeable future. Frankly, if she's capable of turning her back on circles, anything is possible. She says giraffes are still her favorite animal, but at this point I don't whether we should accept that at face value or take it with a grain of salt. I'm not sure, Duncan continued, but once the dust settles, I do think she'll be back to drawing circles all over everything, maybe by the end of the month even, but who knows. Attempts to reach Billings for a follow-up interview were put on hold following the alarming discovery that after eight months of antagonistic behavior toward classmate Jeremy Caldwell, Billings no longer finds him gross.
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According to a poll of 5-year-old film critics released Tuesday, the 2006 Disney-Pixar animated feature Cars only gets better after the 40th viewing. 'The tow truck talks funny, and he has big teeth,' said noted cinaste Ramon Diaz, 5, adding that it takes at least 30 screenings before the film's message of friendship achieves full resonance. 'Let's watch it again!' The poll's respondents also agreed that Willie Wonka And The Chocolate Factory is a weird and scary film they wish their parents would stop trying to make them watch.
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Local 5-year-old Kimberly Hanson confirmed Sunday she regrets having spent the entirety of a recent carousel ride waving to her nearby father instead of taking in the full range of sights and sounds offered by the amusement park ride. 'There I was on this huge merry-go-round, riding a beautiful purple horse as lights sparkled and happy music played, but when I saw my dad, I just couldnt stop waving, said the kindergartner, telling reporters she completely missed the carousels scenic 360-degree view of the state fairgrounds. 'I should have just let myself enjoy the moment. Now Ill never have an opportunity like that again. At press time, sources confirmed a weeping Hanson appeared adequately placated by various fried foods on sticks.
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Standing at a urinal in a ballpark mens room Sunday afternoon, 5-year-old Derek Hill estimated that he likely has about a year left of urinating in public restrooms with his pants all the way down to his ankles. Its probably going to look really weird if Im still doing this at 7 or 8, and I am willing to acknowledge that, said Hill, standing with his legs far apart and holding his rolled-up shirt above his abdomen. Which is annoying, because its just so much easier this way, you know? I know it wont last forever, so I figure I might as well keep dropping my pants to the ground to pee while I still can. Hill later lamented that as recently as 2012 it had been acceptable for him to avoid the inconvenience of getting up at night to use the bathroom by simply urinating in the comfort of his own bed.
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Telling himself it was the last time he would let her do so, area 5-year-old Adrien Hughes once again agreed to let his crying mother, Rachel, sleep in his bed last night, sources confirmed Wednesday morning. All right, come on, get in, said the exhausted child, who reportedly proceeded to rub the 37-year-olds back while assuring her that she was okay and everything was going to be fine. Im right here, see? Im right here next to you. Theres nothing to be afraid of, Mom. You were just having a bad night. Lets go to sleep now. Hughes later admitted he was also concerned to see his mother still drinking from her bottle.
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Claiming that its been going downhill for a while now, lifelong Sesame Street viewer Brayden Granger, 5, told reporters Friday that he believes the popular childrens show has sucked since 2010. The guest stars have been terrible this seasonZac Efron, really?and the new cast sucks, too, said Granger, who criticized the shows writers for totally screw[ing] up the Big Bird character. The season opener was okay, I guess. The letter P, that was pretty great. Problem is, though, you have to sit through a bunch of crap to get to those gems. You never had to do that back in 2009. Granger added that despite the decline in quality, he would probably continued to watch the show at least twice a day.
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Saying the sense of equality and self-worth wouldnt last much longer, local 5-year-old Jake Williams told reporters Tuesday that he was enjoying the final few weeks before the achievement gap between him and children at better-funded schools really kicked in. Pretty soon, kids my age who live in wealthier districts will start testing better than me in every subject, so I might as well try to make the most of this parity while I have it, said Williams, adding that he planned to savor the experience of being on equal footing with other 5-year-olds until the difference in resources being funneled to their respective schools began hindering his ability to learn basic language skills and math. I really want to appreciate what little time I have left, because once Ive internalized the idea that Im not as smart as other kids, its only going to get worse. When Ive dropped out of school nine or ten years from now, I want to at least know that I took full advantage of this time in my life. At press time, a teacher was passing out tablet computers to a kindergarten class across town.
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In a statement delivered to friends, family members, and household pets, Kendall Garretson announced Monday that she would like to become an 13-ton, 275-horsepower John Deere row-crop tractor when she grows up. Garretson, who turned 5 in May, developed an interest in becoming the powerful motor-driven vehicle during a recent trip to her grandfather's farm. According to sources, the young kindergarten student made her decision based on a number of key factors, including her desire to have 'big wheels,' make holes in the ground with 'a digger,' and chase birds and butterflies through fields of sunflowers. Garretson 'I'm gonna be a tractor,' Garretson said. 'Tractors are fun.' Although Garretson does not have a six-cylinder diesel engine, independent-link suspension, or a comfort command seat with air-suspension swivel, the 5-year-old said she was excited to be both red and shiny someday. Garretson added that as a tractor she would sleep in the barn with the cows and the chickens, but not with the pigs, because the pigs make too much of a mess. 'I'll drive around in the dirt, but I won't get stuck,' Garretson said. 'Because I'll spin my tires lots and lots.' Since making her intentions known, Garretson has set about preparing for her career as the hauling vehicle by talking about tractors, coloring in drawings of tractors, asking her parents where tractors come from, and walking around her house making 'VROOOOM, VROOOOM' sounds. Garretson, at right, meets her boss during her first day in the new position. In addition to performing her regular tractor duties, such as 'mowing all the corn,' Garretson said she plans to give rides to every one of her friends, even Brian Waldie, even though he is sometimes mean. Although Garretson clearly stated her future goal of becoming a tractor, the unexpected announcement left a large number of adults feeling confused, with some assuming that the 5-year-old meant she wanted to be a farmer instead of a piece of agricultural equipment. In response to the off-base remarks, Garretson accused the adults of not paying attention, jumped up and down while shaking her head violently, and called everyone a 'bunch of sillies.' 'A tractor,' Garretson continued. 'Trrraaaaaccctooooor!' Before settling on tractor, Garretson is said to have contemplated a variety of possible career paths, including a professional great white shark, a bouncy trampoline, 'a doctor nurse just like Mommy,' and the pink ballerina inside of her music box. Garretson went on to say that she would like to someday eat cookies for breakfast and be a mother to 17 infants, all of them girls. When asked how she envisioned a typical workday as a tractor, the 5-year-old claimed it would begin with her mother waking her up early in the morning with a kiss. After driving into the farmhouse for breakfast, Garretson would rouse the horses, ducks, and flowers, and play with them until lunchtime. The rest of her schedule would reportedly consist of driving up and down the fields and skipping rope. Despite having chosen tractor as a career, Garretson has shown little interest in soil cultivation or, at the very least, the hydraulic requirements for maintaining a properly functioning front-end loader. Instead, the 5-year-old has spent most of her time deciding which of her toys she will bring along to the farm. 'When I'm a tractor, I'm gonna pull a wagon, and then I'm gonna put all of my stuffed animals inside the wagon,' Garretson said. 'And my dollhouse. And a bunny. And maybe a Halloween pumpkin. But I won't let spiders on it unless they promise not to bite anyone.' During several other statements about her future, Garretson maintained that upon reaching adulthood she would cross the street by herself and marry the family's English bulldog, Rutherford. Garretson also stated that her cousin Madison could not come to her wedding if she kept chewing on her crayons. Representatives from the John Deere Corporation told reporters that Garretson was a 'promising candidate' for the company's annual $25,000 scholarship aimed at helping young people become tractors.
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A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million worth of diamonds in what law enforcement officials in the Belgian capital are describing as a routine, everyday occurrence in the city. At this time, we can confirm that several disguised cat burglars made off with hundreds of polished and uncut diamonds, though the crime appears entirely unrelated to yesterdays daring ruby heist from the Royal Palace and the theft of several million dollars in rare black pearls from this same airport two days ago, said police spokesman Julien De Smet, noting that the brazen robbery would be added to the list of high-stakes jewel thefts, expert safecracking, fine art burglaries, vase pilferings, and countless other deftly executed capers occurring daily in Brussels. As usual, well continue to keep close surveillance on the citys museums and high-society personal art collections, as well as the thousands of armored trucks that transport large quantities of gems, masterpiece paintings, and priceless ancient statuary around the city each and every day. At press time, an Interpol bulletin confirmed that De Smet himself was an imposter and that his press conference had merely served as a diversion while an invaluable ancient Roman frieze was swiped from the nearby Muse du Cinquantenaire.
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Saying that the species has thus far defied all scientific projections, stunned officials from the Marine Conservation Institute announced Tuesday that the past half century of climate change and habitat loss somehow hasnt managed to take down the goddamned parrotfish. According to conservation biologists, rising ocean temperatures, increased runoff of chemicals into coastal waters, and the decimation of coral reefs havent even come close to putting these vibrantly colored tropical sons of bitches on the endangered list, let alone succeeded in wiping them out completely. Considering the unprecedented disruption to their ecosystems, the parrotfish should have been eradicated years ago, but remarkably, these little bastards are still around, said Dr. Elliott Norse, the institutes chief scientist, noting that overfishing alone ought to have done in the shallow-water ocean dweller 10 times over. Im just shocked that with all the oil spills, greenhouse gas emissions, and God knows what else were throwing at them, we havent finished them off yet. Not by a long shot. Our statistical models predicted they would all be long gone by now, he continued. But these suckers just keep hanging on. Every couple years we check, and theyre still fucking there. Its unbelievable. While population estimates indicate that the fishs numbers are not as high as they used to be, scientists confirmed that the aquatic creatures are nonetheless flourishing like you would not goddamn believe. Additionally, researchers acknowledged that even though pollution from fertilizers, pesticides, and wastewater is helping to kill off the reefs upon which parrotfish depend for survival, these resilient foot-long fuckers can still be found, scraping by, throughout the Indo-Pacific and Caribbean regions. According to marine scientists, you would think that widespread habitat destructiona phenomenon that only took a couple decades to absolutely obliterate the now-extinct Tecopa pupfishwould have put the parrotfish out of commission too, but nope, it sure hasnt. Seriously, whats it going to take to kill these things? said Norse, who explained that parrotfish must have some serious balls to have survived the devastating effects of global warming and ocean acidification. Every piece of evidence we have suggests they should be belly-up, washing up on the goddamn shore. Years back, we looked at these fishwhich, by the way, dont even have the benefit of protected statusand immediately thought, Okay, these guys are goners. Seemed like a no-brainer, you know? Well, dont we look like a bunch of idiots now? he added. I gotta hand it to em, though. Theyre persistent little shits. At press time, scientists confirmed that despite the rising sea levels, marine debris, industrial effluents, climate stress, natural predation, and hurricanes, those little cocksuckers are still plugging right along and will probably outlive us all.
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Chuck E. Cheese patron Nathan Angrim, 9, was found passed out in a booth Monday, 510 game tickets poorer and surrounded by cheap toys, following a two-hour Welch's Grape Soda bender. 'Dad, where'd all this stuff come from?' Angrim asked, gesturing to the plastic dinosaurs and slide whistles scattered across his pizza-sauce-stained T-shirt. 'Last thing I remember, I was playing Skee-Ball. Oh, my head.' The incident marks a backslide for Angrim, who swore that he wouldn't touch 'the Grape' again, after last April, when he woke up shoeless in the colored-ball pool, his pinkies stuck in a Chinese finger trap.
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A series of massive explosions ripped through a crowded central Baghdad market on Friday, killing at least 54 Iraqi citizens in not our problem anymore. Shortly before noon local time, according to sources, four trucks loaded with explosives detonated in a simultaneous no longer our mess to clean up, wounding more than 200. The blasts, which appeared to be timed to coincide with the height of Friday prayers, left a grisly, chaotic scene of scattered body parts, shattered storefronts, and they're going to have to learn to deal with this themselves from now on because we're out of there come January. According to city officials, local morgues have been overwhelmed with we're seriously not going to give this a second thought. 'This was a senseless, cowardly act of we're leaving, we're done, so this doesn't concern us one shred,' said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, briefly addressing the completely inconsequential event, as far as we're concerned. 'We've been in contact with Prime Minister [Nouri] al-Maliki and have pledged to assist with paying no further attention to this type of thing, got it?' 'President Obama offers his deepest condolences to the it's completely outside our mandate at this point, and his thoughts are with those Iraqis and their families who frankly none of this matters much one way or the other,' Panetta continued. 'Adios.' The powerful somebody else's problem now is said to have killed six police officers and 19 children, though authorities had not yet identified the somebody else's problem now, goddamn it. In what may be a related incident, four were gunned down outside a nearby army recruiting station when this would have been a big deal in 2003, but nope, not anymore. Consider our hands scrubbed clean of this mess. An influential Shiite militia has claimed responsibility for let's just get back home to our families for Christ's sake, go back to living normal lives again, and try to forget all about this, according to posts on an Arabic-language website known to be used by militant groups. Additionally, sources confirmed we don't care. 'We cannot and will not allow insurgents to destabilize the gains we've made and I literally put this attack out of my mind the second it happened,' said Gen. Lloyd Austin, commander of U.S. forces in Iraq, as he packed up his computer and belongings to exit the country for good. 'We will continue to work closely with Iraqi intelligence and security forces to ensure, look, we did the best we could here, okay? We tried. We fucking tried. Now, I'm not going to stand here questioning this or that military decision, but let's just say it was a lousy situation to begin with. That really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. And now it's time to cut our losses and go. It's over. Done-zo. So best of luck to all of you.' 'Army checkpoints in the area have been restored,' he added. The bombing, which marks this month's deadliest nuh-uh, don't look at us, is just the latest in a spate of roadside bombs to hit the capital. According to official statistics, the number of violent attacks has risen sharply in recent weeks, leading to fears of what part of 'complete U.S. military exit from Iraq by Jan. 1' don't you understand? Following Friday's nonevent in our estimation, locals gathered at the site of the attack to mourn the we're done talking about this now, and began the solemn task of everything can go to shit for all we care, because we're leaving and never looking back. 'I heard a loud explosion, and when I looked down at my daughter [Hey, look, buddy, we honestly don't know what to tell you],' said blood-spattered Baghdad resident Hatim al-Hasani, 35, describing what someone else is going to have to handle from now on, because we certainly won't be doing it. '[You're on your own. Arrivederci. We're done here.]' Added al-Hasani, breaking down in tears, '[See ya.]' At press time, 14 citizens were reported killed and some 30 more injured in some goddamn shit along the Afghan-Pakistani border we still have to fucking deal with.
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Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gyms evening pickup basketball game. The partially graying, tank-topclad manwho was overheard introducing himself as Ken to several other players at the beginning of the gamehas reportedly been utterly unstoppable on both ends of the floor, carving up the opposing team with a diverse arsenal of pump fakes, post moves, and well-timed backdoor passes. Hes gotta be at least 15 years older than anyone else here, but hes just blowing through people with ease, said opposing player Evan Harris, 26, adding that the man has been confidently calling for the ball, setting screens, and directing his teammates positioning on defense. He crashes the boards like a madman, he hustles down the court for fast breaks, and he sure as hell isnt afraid to body up underneath the basket. Hes everywhere. And if he starts driving to the hoop, you better get out of the way, continued Harris. Hes a goddamn freight train. Witnesses noted with amazement that the slightly overweight 55-year-old is solid as a rock and absolutely tenacious on defense. Eyewitnesses at the recreational facility told reporters that the man, who donned a large black knee brace prior to the game, has commanded an unquestioned authority over his team as he continues racking up points, assists, steals, and rebounds. He has reportedly proven to be a formidable presence in the paint, and, in spite of his 5-foot-10, roughly 210-pound frame, exhibited a remarkably light touch on the ball while sinking several outside jump shots. Sources also confirmed that defenders have been unable to cope with the mans dizzying array of pinpoint bounce passes from the top of the key, noting that he has also yet to commit a single turnover during the game. Hes a little stocky, but hes actually a lot quicker than he looks, said 31-year-old Aaron Garrett, adding that the man has shown absolutely no signs of exhaustion or fatigue despite his shirt being completely drenched in sweat. I tried going up for a rebound against him, and I just bounced right off his body. Hes definitely not the fastest guy out there, but he more than makes up for it with how hard he plays. Maybe he played in college or something, Garrett added. I underestimated himI think we all didand hes making us pay for that now. According to sources, the middle-aged man has been unafraid to inform teammates of their lackluster play, often imploring them to look for the open man or cut to the rim for a pass. After a breakdown in defense led to an uncontested layup for the other team, the man was observed clapping his hands together several times in frustration while shouting Communicate! Furthermore, several reports indicated that the 55-year-old is the only person on the court who has called fouls during the game, at one point singling out an opposing player he simply referred to as Red Shorts after a rough charge and sternly telling him to cool it. Hes more or less a one-man team out thereeverything is going through him, said 26-year-old teammate Timothy Graham, speculating that the man must play pickup games at least twice a week to keep himself in such good shape. I mean, Christ, weve been playing for a good 45 minutes, and he hasnt even taken a single water break. I hope Im in half as good shape as that when Im his age. At press time, after his team handily won the game, the 55-year-old had reportedly shaken each players hand, grabbed his Reebok gym bag on the sideline, and quietly walked out of the gym.
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Hopes of finding more survivors of Monday's Senate Mine disaster are fading, as a second full day of rescue efforts proved futile Wednesday. The body of a senator is carried from the disaster area. In all, 57 legislators remain buried deep within the Senate Mine, the southern shaft of which collapsed without warning at 7:57 a.m. Monday. Rescue workers say the likelihood of finding survivors is slim. 'The area where the senators were digging is one of the narrowest in the entire mine,' said Tom Asheton of the Red Cross. 'We know for sure that the passageways on both sides of the corridor were sealed off in the initial blast, so the senators probably ran out of oxygen sometime yesterday afternoon. We'll give it another go first thing tomorrow morning, but at this point, it doesn't look good. Lord help those brave lawmakers.' Asheton then called upon all Americans to pray for the senators. At 7 a.m. Monday, as they do every week, the nation's 100 senators donned their lantern helmets, took up shovels, and descended the main shaft by rope elevator to excavate the rich seam of coal recently discovered in the mine's Great Southern Drift. Congressional Mine Record transcripts of intercom communications indicate that operations were proceeding smoothly, with drill operators encountering no more than the normal resistance from rocky occlusions, when a sudden rumbling was heard. 'From way down the shaft, I could hear [Sen.] Judd [Gregg (R-NH)] shouting, 'The pilings! The pilings!'' said senate majority foreman Trent Lott (R-MS), whose leg was badly contused by falling mine tailings and who had to be restrained by aides from reentering the mine to save his colleagues. 'Then there was this incredible roar, and all the lamps blew out. I remember thinking, 'Please, God, no: There's still so much important legislation to passand coal to dig.'' Senate majority foreman Trent Lott (R-MS) talks to reporters shortly after the mine collapse. At 8:08 a.m., the mine whistle on the Capitol dome sounded the emergency warning. Within minutes, senators' loved ones began assembling at the mine's entrance to watch rescuers going about their grim work. One after another, the grimy, blue-suited bodies of senators were dragged from the mine. 'These are brave men,' said Lott, his face still blackened with soot. 'Despite our ongoing bipartisan struggles, with the Democrats arguing for shorter hours down-shaft and Republicans supporting less restrictive mining regulations, there has been nothing but brotherhood today.' The cause of the mine's collapse remains unknown. No smoke or heat has been detected emanating from the shaft, ruling out the possibility that a hammer-drill struck sparks and ignited the abundant coal dust that fills the senatorial chambers. Senators who had been working in the mine's central shaft say oxygen levels were normal. They also noted that congressional pages positioned in the mine to monitor air quality were chatting happily just seconds before the disaster. Survivors' accounts seem to point to a straightforward collapse, which, experts note, is an ever-present danger when legislators excavate in the wet rock near the Potomac. 'Of all the industrial ventures run by the federal government, the coal-mining operations of the legislative branch have always had the worst safety record,' said Cliff Stephney, president of the United Senatorial Mine Workers of America. 'Just last year, we almost lost the entire Senate Armed Services Committee when the hay bales they feed the cart-horses 'down the hole' somehow caught fire.' Stephney noted that Supreme Court & Southern Railroad brakemen, statistically the second most dangerous job in American government, had a 17 percent better chance of seeing retirement without injury. Unsafe as congressional mining may be, few other options are available to unskilled elected officials. 'Every year, we say we're going to pass laws that make our jobs safer,' said senator and rock hog Mitch 'Mule' McConnell (R-KY), who has the distinction of surviving both Monday's collapse and the infamous Library of Congress Foundry Explosion of 1999. 'But when a man gets down to voting, he remembers how much he owes to the Capitol store, and that's usually the end of that. I mean, times being what they are, a senator can't really afford to just cash out and risk starving his family.' 'Boss Thurmond always says there are tons of immigrants right off the boat who aren't afraid to serve a six-year term in elected office hauling out the coal,' said Sen. Russell 'Rusty' Feingold (D-WI). 'I hate it like poison, but as soon as we get the slag out of that drift, I know I'm back to the shaft again.' In a nationally televised address Tuesday, President Bush paid tribute to the lost senators. 'We pray for the souls of each of these brave men, and we humbly thank them for toiling to provide our nation with badly needed laws and coal,' Bush said. 'We are with their families in their time of grief and promise a full congressional investigation just as soon as the mineand Congress itselfcan be reconstructed.'
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With local organizers and attendees hailing the event as a major success, the Saudi Arabian capital Riyadh wrapped up its 10th annual fashion week Friday, a star-studded international showcase of the latest trends during which 57 women were pelted to death by stones. The glamorous high-fashion event, which debuted the fall couture collections of Calvin Klein, Diane Von Furstenberg, and Anna Sui among others, took place over seven days in the citys upscale Olaya district and claimed the lives of dozens of models, assistants, and designers, as well as 19 female audience members whose outfits exposed parts of their bodies other than their eyes or hands. Riyadh Fashion Week is the place to be to check out the newest styles and kill the women wearing them, said local fruit seller Salman Awad, who claimed that this was his favorite of the six Fashion Weeks hes attended, as he was able to take out the eye of a model wearing a brocade tunic at Tuesdays Vivienne Tam show. My friends and I made sure to line up outside the tents before dawn to get good seats close to the front. Its a lot easier to hit them in the head that way. Im already starting to save up my rocks for next years Fashion Week, Awad added. I cant wait. Fashion Week organizers confirmed that this years turnout was the highest in the events history, attracting thousands of eager stone-wielding visitors from all over the Middle East. According to event staff, every runway show was standing room only, with fashion industry elites and celebrities rubbing elbows at top designers collection debuts and glitzy brand-sponsored after-parties alongside Saudi locals demanding to know which, if any, of the women had received permission to be there from either their husbands or a male member of their family. This years event kicked off last Saturday with a chic multi-designer exhibition in the plush Kingdom Centre, during which audience members were reportedly stirred into a frenzy of anticipation even before the show began by large-screen projections of the hottest current fashion trends in Paris and Milan. Sources described the show as a stunning spectacle, with enthusiastic crowd members bombarding models one by one as they came out onto the catwalk, leaving a growing mound of bloodied female bodies and high-end custom-fitted gowns and accessories on stage. In addition to the stonings, sources confirmed that during a disco-themed show Wednesday night featuring Jay Godfreys 2014 resort-wear line, attendees ran out of projectiles and were forced to rush the stage and strangle several models to death with their own $1,100 ruched cowl-neck tops, all while renowned DJ Geordon Nicol spun a live dance music set. From where I was sitting, I had a great view of Oscar de la Renta getting beheaded just a few rows in front of me, said first-time Fashion Week visitor Faisal Qureshi. When I bought my ticket I was only planning to hurl rocks at the models on the runway, but once everybody started chanting Death to Western infidels, I ended up joining in on the melee and pummeling several hairstylists and makeup artists who looked like homosexuals. It was the best fashion show Ive ever been to, he continued. I got to personally hold down and help castrate three sodomites. While each year at least five or six women are stoned to death at Riyadh Fashion Week, organizers confirmed that this was by far the largest number killed since 2009, when 21 women modeling the DKNY summer line had their skulls bashed in with rocks as they changed backstage. Those who survived the initial bludgeoning and made it out to model that years high-waisted halter bikinis were reportedly met by a frenzied audience that threw cups of acid on their faces and bodies. However, organizers say the events popularity has grown to such an extent that they are thinking of expanding the number of shows in the future. In Saudi Arabia, theres a new generation of fashion-conscious citizens who want to stone the next big thing, said Riyadh Fashion Week executive director Hakim Moghadam. Whether its heaving rocks at the new Zac Posen ready-to-wear collection, or giving hundreds of lashes to anyone sporting BCBGMAXAZRIA, they want to be a part of the scene. And we want to let everyone across the Kingdom know that they dont have to travel to London or New York, he continued. They can slaughter the immodest in their own backyard, right here in Riyadh.
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Calling the experience completely transformative, local 22-year-old Angela Fisher told reporters Tuesday that her six-day visit to the rural Malawian village of Neno has completely changed her profile picture on Facebook. As soon as I walked into that dusty, remote town and the smiling children started coming up to me, I just knew my Facebook profile photo would change forever, said Fisher, noting that she realized early in her nearly weeklong visit just how narrow and unworldly her previous Facebook profile photos had been. I dont think my profile photo will ever be the same, not after the experience of taking such incredible pictures with my arms around those small African childrens shoulders. Honestly, I cant even imagine going back to my old Facebook photo of my roommate and I at an outdoor concert. Since returning, Fisher said she has been encouraging every one of her friends to visit Africa, promising that it would change their Facebook profile photos as well.
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After a grueling three hours and 46 minutes of Big East tournament action last week, Syracuse finally defeated the University of Connecticut 127-117 and a New York state official declared the Orange and the Huskies were now legally husband and wife according to statutes governing common-law marriage. 'I just thought it was a normal game, but once [UConn guard Kemba] Walker missed that three at the end of the second OT, I thought, 'Wait a minute, this seems pretty serious,'' said Judge Alistair Kenney, who noted that were either team to die, the other would be able to inherit without undue legal difficulty. 'They fulfilled all the principles of common law: They were all competent to enter into a marriage and fulfilled the cohabitation requirement when I granted squatter's rights around the fourth overtime. All that was needed was mutual consent, and that was certainly implied by all the sweat, shared hardship, and squeaking, so I declared them man and wife. It was so lovely seeing those first two OTs of wedded bliss.' This is the first marriage for either team, though they will share guardianship of 14 children from previous relationships.
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In a spring training game on Wednesday, Marlins outfield prospect Cameron Maybin continued to impress scouts and opposing players alike by stealing a base, making a leaping grab in center, and belting out the 'Spirto Gentil' aria from Donizetti's La Favorita. 'The sound of the ball coming off his bat and his vibrato on the 'M'appari' are both unmatched,' said manager Fredi Gonzalez, comparing the outfielder to a young Ken Griffey, Jr. or Giuseppe Giacomini. 'He's got all the tools: He can field, throw, run the bases, harmonize above the lead, hit for power, and hit for average. His swing is definitely still a little raw, but he's got the voice of a major leaguer. I swear, I melt every time.' Gonzalez then sat back and listened to Maybin's rich, honeyed tenor emanating from the shower, took off his sunglasses, and began to weep.
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In a daring feat of circumnavigation never before attempted, 6-year-old Connor Damrush successfully completed a circuit of the 2500 block of Parker Drive early Saturday morning, silencing naysayers who had called it impossible. 'We maintained walkie-talkie contact with him for most of the journey, but Connor went into radio silence shortly after turning onto Orchard Street,' said Mission Control specialist Dougie O'Neill, 5. 'It was tense for a few minutes there, but boy, did we all breathe a sigh of relief when we saw that red trike come around that corner.' Among the sights Connor reported from the far side of the block were his school's flagpole, a Dunkin' Donuts sign, and a garbage truck.
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Admitting to a growing sense of unease, 6-year-old Zachary Barrett confided to reporters Monday that he might be getting too old to continue accompanying his mother into the women's locker room at the local gym. 'I'm at that age now where every time I'm surrounded by grown, half-naked women I don't even know, I think to myself, 'What am I doing here? This isn't right,'' said Barrett, who called the situation 'kind of creepy on a number of levels.' 'What's my mom thinking? I'm not three anymore, for God's sakeI know what's going on now, and frankly, I really don't appreciate standing around awkwardly for 10, 15 minutes trying to pretend I don't feel incredibly uncomfortable. What's worse, I can tell the women are starting to feel awkward being naked around me, too.' Barrett later confirmed that while he was certain he didn't belong in the locker room, he could probably endure another visit if it meant catching one last glimpse of that yoga instructor's fantastic tits.
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Following a WKRP In Cincinnati rerun Monday, 6-year-old Megan Connor was devastated to learn that the mewling orange kitten in the MTM Productions logo has almost certainly been dead for years. 'All I said was that that kitten was around back when I was a kid, so it probably died 15 or 20 years ago,' said father Bruce Connor, 39. 'Now she won't come out of her room.' Megan's parents plan to forbid Megan from watching Family Ties reruns for fear of having to explain the whereabouts of Ubu.
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Local first-grader Connor Bolduc, 6, experienced the first inkling of a coming lifetime of existential dread Monday upon recognizing his cruel destiny to participate in compulsory education for the better part of the next two decades, sources reported. 'I don't want to go to school,' Bolduc told his parents, the crushing reality of his situation having yet to fully dawn on his nave consciousness. 'I want to play outside with my friends.' While Bolduc stood waiting for the bus to pick him up on his first day of elementary school, his parents reportedly were able to 'see the wheels turning in his little brain' as the child, for the first time in his life, began to understand how dire and hopeless his situation had actually become. Basic mathwhich the child has blissfully yet to learnclearly demonstrates that the number of years before he will be released from the horrifying prison of formal schooling, is more than twice the length of time he has yet existed. According to a conservative estimate of six hours of school five days a week for nine months of the year, Bolduc faces an estimated 14,400 hours trapped in an endless succession of nearly identical, suffocating classrooms. This nightmarish but undeniably real scenario does not take into account additional time spent on homework, extracurricular responsibilities, or college, sources said. 'I can't wait until school is over,' said the 3-foot-tall tragic figure, who would not have been able, if asked, to contemplate the amount of time between now and summer, let alone the years and years of tedium to follow. The concept of wasting a majority of daylight hours sitting still in a classroom when he could be riding his bicycle, playing in his tree fort, or lying in the grass looking at bugsespecially considering that he had already wasted two years of his life attending preschool and kindergartenseemed impossibly unfair to Bolduc. Moreover, sources said, he had no idea how much worse the inescapable truth will turn out to be. Shortly after his mommy, homemaker Ellen Bolduc, 31, assured him that he would be able to resume playtime 'when school lets out,' Connor's innocent brain only then began to work out the implication of that sentence to its inevitable, soul-crushing conclusion. When pressed for more detail on the exact timing of that event, Mrs. Bolduc would only reply 'soon.' At that point, the normally energetic child grew quiet before asking a follow-up question, 'After [younger sister] Maddy's birthday?' thereby setting the stage for the first of thousands of rushing realizations he will be forced to come to grips with over the course of his subsequent existence. Madison Ellen Bolduc was born on Sept. 28. After learning that the first grade will continue for eight excruciating months beyond that date, it was only a matter of time before Bolduc inquired into what grade comes after first grade, and, when told, would probe further into how many grades he will have to complete before allowed to play with his friends. The answer to that fatal question12, a number too large for Bolduc to count on the fingers of both handswill be enough to nearly shatter the boy's still-forming psyche, said child psychology expert Eli Wasserbaum. 'When you consider that it doesn't include another four years of secondary education, plus five more years of medical school, if he wants to follow his previously stated goal to grow up to be a doctor like his daddy, this will come as an interminably deep chasm of drudgery and imprisonment to [Connor],' said Wasserbaum. 'It's difficult to know the effect on his psychological well-being when he grasps the full truth: that his education will be followed by approximately four decades of work, bills, and taxes, during which he will also rear his own children to face the same fate, all of which will, of course, be followed by a brief, almost inconsequential retirement, and his inevitable death.' 'Even a 50-year-old adult would have trouble processing such a monstrous notion,' Wasserbaum added. 'Oh my God, I'm 50 years old.' The first of Bolduc's remaining 2,299 days of school will resume at 8 a.m. tomorrow. On the next 624 Sundays, he will also be forced to attend church.
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Area resident Denny Wetzel, 29, dedicates 60 percent of his workday to the pursuit of sports fandom, sources reported Monday. Wetzel catches up on his fantasy-football reading before lunch. 'Cards, Blues, Rams, and Bullsthose are my teams,' said Wetzel, a project manager at Energis Information Networks. 'I also have a soft spot in my heart for the Pack, since I lived in Wisconsin until I was 10, but if they're playing the Rams, I'm backing Kurt and the boys, no question.' Though Wetzel estimates that three-fifths of his workday is spent on sports, he acknowledges that the figure may actually be higher. 'I start the day with coffee and the sports page, of course,' Wetzel said. 'Then I listen to SportsCentral AM on KFNS while eating breakfast. After touching my signed J.D. Drew baseball, I'm off to the office, where I try to squeeze in a little work between visits to ESPN.com.' Aside from a small photo of his family on his desk, Wetzel's cubicle is largely decorated with sports memorabilia, including a Green Bay Packers helmet, St. Louis Blues team pictures, and a bobble-head doll of St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Albert Pujols. His desk features a state-of-the-art workstation in a hodgepodge of team colors. Coworkers say Wetzel has smoothly integrated his fandom into his professional life. In addition to organizing office sports pools, hosting the annual Super Bowl party, and acting as commissioner of the office fantasy-baseball league, Wetzel is widely recognized as the person with whom any employee can talk sports. 'Denny is our go-to guy for helping clients develop tech-driven business-development strategies, or 'plays' as he calls them,' said Don Hewson, Wetzel's supervisor at Energis. 'And when it comes to sizing up the Rams' offseason personnel moves, Denny is unsurpassed.' While 60 percent of Wetzel's workday is devoted to fandom, a whopping 90 percent of his home life is devoted to sports-related pursuits. 'As soon as he gets home, it's SportsCenter during dinner, then whatever game is on,' wife Julie said. 'Then, it's usually an old game on ESPN Classic, or reading Sports Illustrated or the Street & Smith season-preview guides.' Wetzel said he makes an effort to devote any remaining non-sports time to his family. 'You know, we'll have some quality family time, because it's important,' Wetzel said. 'I'll go out and toss a ball with [son] Cameron, or huddle with Julie on the couch.' 'I mean, cuddle,' Wetzel added. 'Cuddle with Julie.'
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Contorting his wrinkled mouth unnaturally in order to produce the vocalization, 60-year-old Vanderweigh Media CEO Robert Flynn reportedly employed his ancient organs of speech at a meeting Wednesday to grotesquely form the word hashtag. According to sources, the sexagenarian marketing executive began the hideous utterance by lifting the roof of his mouth slightly and forcing a putrid breath upwards through his ragged vocal cords, as a loose flap of neck skin vibrated in tandem. Observers told reporters that Flynn then mustered what little saliva he could and slid his tongue against the back of his yellowing teeth to articulate the second loathsome syllable. At press time, the ancient executive had dislodged a morsel of phlegm from the back of his throat and was preparing to befoul the conference room with the word retweet.
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After spotting Dave Coleman, a 60-year-old with a graying ponytail and a frayed Hot Tuna shirt sitting on a bench in Golden Gate Park, 40-year-old punk rocker Brian Patterson said Tuesday that he felt sorry for the aging hippie. 'He's just living in the past when the world has obviously moved on,' said the middle-aged Patterson, adjusting the spiked leather collar on his neck. 'Guy needs to act his age, 'cause nobody cares about that shit from 20 years ago. God, what a sad, out-of-touch loser.' According to nearby sources, both the 60-year-old hippie and the 40-year-old punk were later pitied by a 30-year-old raver sitting barefoot in the grass.
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With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. A staple at the Iowa State Fair and part of a tradition dating back to 1911, the 5-and-a-half-foot-tall, non-homogenized-milk-fat sculpture of a grazing bovine received 64 percent of the vote, easily defeating opponents Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul. 'For one thing, Im more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow,' said Iowa voter Horace Wright, who cited the creamy sculptures even demeanor, its pro-agriculture agenda, and the fact that its not Mitt Romney as his primary reasons for voting for it. 'And second, looking at the rest of the field, I think at this point the butter cow is the Republican Partys best shot at beating Obama in November.' Exit polls revealed many caucus attendees considered Jon Huntsman, but ultimately concluded they didnt want to waste their votes.
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Despite their diligent, dedicated running, the 6,000-plus participants in Sunday's 5K Race For The Cure did not find a cure for breast cancer. Race For The Cure runners take off in search of a breast-cancer cure. Hopes were high, given the excellent weather and record turnout for the 11th annual event, but no viable cure for the disease was discovered along the 3.1-mile course. 'We were particularly hopeful of locating the cure somewhere around the two-and-a-half-mile mark,' race organizer Jill Broadbent said. 'At that point, the route goes right past Northside Hospital and within a block of several Emory University oncology facilities. That seemed the most promising place to perhaps spot a breast-cancer cure. Regrettably, the runners were unable to do more than momentarily glimpse in researchers' windows as they passed by.' At 10 a.m., participants gathered outside the Georgia Dome and proceeded to search through much of downtown Atlanta, including a one-mile stretch of Peachtree Road, before finishing cureless at the state capitol. Among those disappointed by Sunday's failed attempt was Gene Worth, a Germantown, TN, real-estate agent who drove 450 miles to participate in his seventh Race For The Cure. 'I worked out for three months, focusing my full energies on preparing for this race,' Worth said. 'I switched to a vegan macrobiotic diet just to be in top shape. Three kilometers in, I felt great, like this was going to be the year we cured it. I did break my personal 5K record, but even that wasn't enough. Then, after I crossed the finish line, I watched other racers finish, but they came in empty-handed, as well.' Broadbent was quick to dispute characterizations of the run as a failure. 'As we like to say, today brought us one 5K run closer to the cure,' Broadbent said. 'We may not have cured it yet, but one of these times, we will. When faced with a setback like this, we need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and run another five kilometers.' Added Broadbent: 'If even one patient went into remission as a result of thousands of people running around Atlanta, then it's all worth it.' The race was the latest disappointment in a dismal two-week stretch for athletic-based medical research. On Nov. 1 in Dallas, an estimated 3,000 cyclists were unable to isolate the portion of the human genome responsible for Alzheimer's disease. Three days later in Boston, some 200 rowers from 27 different colleges gathered on the Charles River in an unsuccessful attempt to eliminate AIDS. And a pair of Nov. 9 regattas in San Diego and Miami failed to cure cystic fibrosis and heart disease, respectively. Runs against cancer and other diseases have been popular since 1976, when Olympic runner Bill Rodgers discovered the formula for Interferon Betaeffective in the treatment of multiple sclerosisat the base of Nobska Point Lighthouse while running the Falmouth (MA) Road Race. Rodgers went on to win the Nobel Prize For Medicine for his discovery, despite losing the race itself to Alberto Salazar.
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Dark Star, the colt best known for his victory at the 1953 Kentucky Derby, made it to the winner's circle once again Friday, when the 62-year-old earned his fifth victory in the Senior Belmont Stakes. 'He's not the kind of horse you're ever going to retire. He's a competitor,' said jockey Felix Meneses, who led Dark Star to the win in a record 34 minutes and 19 seconds. 'He tried to lie down and sleep there for a while on the backstretch, but once I got the whip into him, he was good to go. I mean, his breathing was kind of ragged and he was leaning against the rail the whole time, but he wanted this win, and he got it.' Three of the 10 horses in the field, including 1941 Triple Crown winner Whirlaway, perished from exhaustion during the running.
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According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal governments plot of a full-scale takeover. Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order. Since the early 1990s, sources estimated the gun owner has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the center of his 12-acre ranch. It is every Americans right to be good and armed, and thats a right that should always be protected, said Bailey, now the sole American protecting the nation from the governments hidden plot of disarming all citizens, gradually gaining control of the mass media, and installing martial law throughout the nations streets. Our Founding Fathers intended for each and every one of us to protect ourselves from tyranny. Thats what America is all about. What happens when the feds show up at your front door and start telling you how much meat you can eat or how to raise your kids? continued the lifetime NRA member, brandishing the very weapon that now serves as the final hope of staving off a totalitarian state. Is that the future you want? Bailey, who keeps his gun on his person at all times and regularly patrols his property in his truck, has reportedly struck dread into the very highest-ranking members of the U.S. government. According to sources, top government and military officials are fully aware that they remain unable to commence with their oppressive, systematic subjugation of the American populace as long as the 62-year-old owner of a rifle exists. Additional reports confirmed that Baileys frequent practice of shooting his gun at empty bean cans in his backyard has repeatedly forced government officials to reassess both their ground and air strategies for the impending takeover. The way I see it, the Second Amendments been keeping this nation free and secure for well over 200 years, Bailey said, valiantly standing in front of his home that is constantly being monitored by CIA agents and elite Special Forces operatives, who are told to maintain a safe distance from the formidable 62-year-old. First theyll come for our guns and nextwell, shoot, I dont really plan on ever seeing what the hell happens next. While the federal government is more than adequately prepared to begin the first phase of its plan of convoying Second Amendment adherents to newly established FEMA concentration camps, high-level members of the Obama Administration involved in the widespread conspiracy confirmed that they have been forced to resort to alternate methods due solely to Baileys heroics. As long as theres someone like Earl out there with a gun and ammunition, we are unable to carry out our attack on America, said Maxwell Caufield, a covert military leader in charge of the operation to turn the country into an authoritarian, one-party state wherein the basic rights of citizens are stripped away in order to create total government control. Try as we did to spread our distorted gun control propagandaclaiming that it would protect innocent people across the country from needless deathsthe man just wouldnt bite. There is simply nothing we can do about Earl and his gun, damn him. Youve got to hand it to him, really, Caufield added. If it werent for Earl, youd be looking at a totally different country.
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Following a humiliating 63-14 defeat against Ohio State over the weekend, officials at Pennsylvania State University on Tuesday called the blowout loss a blemish on the schools storied football program, and the colleges biggest disgrace in recent memory. Frankly, its unacceptable to have the Nittany Lions associated with something loathsome like this, head coach Bill OBrien told reporters, claiming that his teams one-sided lossits worst in nearly 114 yearsdoes not align with the schools values, and represents a black eye from which it may never recover. To see our boys fail time and time again to create playsand in a conference game, no lessits just reprehensible. I never thought Id say this, but when the clock ran down and I got a final look at that scoreboard, I was actually ashamed to be associated with Penn State football. OBrien added that deceased head coach Joe Paterno was probably rolling over in his grave when his former team allowed the Buckeyes to put up 408 yards rushing.
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The Securities and Exchange Commission announced Tuesday that more than 63 percent of all U.S. citizens have been implicated in an illegal stock-dumping, the latest scandal to rock the nation's economy. Citizens implicated in the scandal conceal their faces on a New York City street Tuesday. 'It's staggering how far-reaching this is,' SEC chairman Harvey Pitt said. 'More than 175 million citizens from all walks of life are involved in one criminal imbroglio. Everybody from white-collar workers to grandmothers, boy-scout leaders, and the entire state of Delaware. Point a finger anywhere, and you have a better chance than not of hitting a guilty party.' According to the SEC, on Jan. 15, Jerome P. Lippman, vice-president of pharmaceutical giant Unocore Systems in Dallas, warned friends and business associates of a failed merger with Pfizer. The information was leaked by an as-yet-undetermined source, resulting in 98 percent of Unocore's stock being sold off on Jan. 16, one day prior to an official public announcement of the unsuccessful merger. Pitt said the 2 percent of Unocore's stockholders who failed to sell off their stock faced massive financial losses. 'The stock went from $235 to 13 cents a share in half an hour,' said Kyle Levey, an Arizona factory worker implicated in the scandal. 'That's when I knew I wasn't the only one with insider information. Sure enough, pretty much everyone on my block was in on it, too. And everyone down at work. And everyone at church.' Due to the enormous amount of paperwork involved in the scandal, the precise details of who was involved and to what extent remains unknown. Prosecutors say time will fill in most of the blanks. 'Everyone even remotely involved will be subpoenaed,' Pitt said. 'We've been going state by state in alphabetical order to tell those implicated that they will be brought to court. We're only up to Arkansas, though.' In order to streamline the notification process, the Justice Department will scroll the names of implicated U.S. citizens on Court TV and CNN, as well as during NBC's Thursday-night 'Must See TV' block. Those listed are encouraged to call the 800 number on the screen for further instructions on how to be legally summoned to court. Karla Shugg, an Alaska florist and grandmother of five, responds to allegations of insider trading. 'This is going to take years,' Pitt said. 'We've had to hire nearly 52 million people, or about 19 percent of the population, just to answer phones.' With the economy already reeling from other corporate scandals and rising unemployment, the news could not have come at a worse time. 'Sure, some people are temporarily employed because of this,' said economist Todd Langham, who was also implicated in the scandal. 'But everyone else is tightening belts and fearing the worst. Millions are facing steep fines and possible jail time. They won't just get a slap on the wristunless they all get sprung on a technicality, that is.' Many citizens have expressed outrage at those charged in the scandal. 'It's just crazy,' Chicago homemaker Mary Anders said shortly after Tuesday's announcement. 'How so many people could be so greedy and corrupt is beyond me.' Anders was served a summons later that day. Some implicated citizens are hoping their involvement goes unnoticed due to the enormity of the case, but prosecutors say they will diligently pursue all wrongdoers. 'It will take a while, but everyone involved will have to face Lady Justice,' Pitt said. 'Whether you sold one share or a thousand, using insider information for profit is illegal, and you will be prosecuted. I would recommend that the millions of people involved all chip in for a really good lawyer.' As of press time, the remaining 175,145,456 citizens implicated in the scandal had no comment.
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According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 64 percent of the nation's work force is currently employed in a 'temp' capacity by Manpower employment agency. Job Focus 'With more than 150 million Americans working for Manpower, we truly are a nation of temps,' said Labor Secretary Alexis Herman, who in 1996 was placed by Manpower in the top Labor Department spot after Robert Reich vacated the post to accept a three-week data/word-processing assignment in a Hartford, CT, actuarial firm. Experts attribute Manpower's success to its ability to supply U.S. companies with competent full-time workers who do not have to be given the same social and financial considerations as actual employees. 'Regular, full-time workers can be extremely expensive. You've got to give them health insurance, retirement benefits, sick pay, vacation payit's all a tremendous financial drain on a company,' said Russell Eglington of Cornell University's Institute of Labor Relations. 'That's why so many corporations are turning to Manpower. They've got people who can perform like actual employees but don't have to be well-treated like actual employees.' Sheila Wunsch, human-resources director for Systech Consolidated, a Dallas-based computer-consulting firm, said her company uses Manpower for all its staffing needs, from janitors to secretaries to departmental vice-presidents. 'One great advantage of using Manpower,' Wunsch said, 'is that you don't have to build relationships with the workers they supply, because, even if they're there for months or years, they're not technically company employees. I can't begin to tell you how refreshing it is to work with people you can ignore, people you don't have to smile at when you see them around the office.' Among the types of jobs Manpower fills: data entry, bookkeeping, clerical, telemarketing, freight-handling, maintenance, landscaping, engineering, teaching, rape-crisis counseling, commercial-jet-piloting, and open-heart surgery. 'I've been temping at Mt. Sinai Hospital for two years now, 60 hours a week,' said Emily Schreiber, 23, of White Plains, NY. 'Mostly, they've got me doing appendectomies, but I also do bypasses every now and then. It's a pretty good job, as temping goes: I make $9.75 per hour and get a full hour for lunch. Before this, I was doing typing and filing in a law office. Now that was boring.' According to the Labor Department report, by 2005, 99.97 percent of the U.S. workforce will be temping for Manpower. The other .03 percent, the report said, will consist of the owners of corporations using Manpower for their staffing needs, as well as Harlan Bruckner, owner and CEO of Manpower. By 2005, Manpower's own staff is expected to grow to 17.5 million employees, all of whom will be temp workers assigned by Manpower to work for the company itself.
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The results of a USA Today-CNN-Gallup poll released Monday show that 66 percent of Americans object to the use of torture during times of war. 'We can be proud that the majority of citizens stand against our military personnel's use of torture,' Harvard statistician William Stover said. 'And it's somewhat comforting that, of the 34 percent of Americans who advocate torture, 72 percent said it should be used only when other methods of discipline have failed.' Reassuringly, 97 percent of Americans were against the torture of U.S. soldiers or citizens by non-Americans.
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Following his coverage of the presidents State of the Union address Tuesday night, Washington Post senior reporter Ed Karl, 66, said hes just going to hope he liveblogged the speech correctly, sources confirmed. The page is pretty long, so I think I did enough postshow many posts are these things supposed to have again? Karl, a reporter and political correspondent for the national newspaper since 1971, said to colleagues as he scrolled over a 300-word entry entitled #SOTU 2013: Best Ways to Watch. I tried to put a bunch of photos and updates on there, plus some tweets and jiffs or whatever. I dont know. Looks like a liveblog to me. At press time, editors had commended Karl on his work and encouraged him to link to it on his Facebook page.
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Multiple reports Monday morning indicated that Van Buren Middle School teacher Ms. Emeling was totally seen making out with that dude from GameStop with the big sideburns. We were at the movie theater, and theres my teacher waiting in line for tickets with the guy from GameStopand then he just started going to town on her, said sixth-grader Max Werner, grimacing as he confirmed that they were kissing with tongue. Are they dating or something? How does she even know him? She cant have an Xbox. Ms. Emelings, like, almost 30. During recess today, sixth-grade students reportedly gathered to discuss which of them would ask their teacher if she could get them an advance copy of Call Of Duty: Black Ops II.
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A majority of 7-Eleven shareholders approved a $4.35 buyout offer Tuesday from Dean Lindell, 23, for a six-pack of Busch Light beer. 'It took a bit longer than expected to hammer out the legal details of the deal,' said 7-Eleven CEO Joseph DePinto, referring to a momentary impasse that was resolved when Lindell provided documentation proving he was of drinking age. 'But we were able to successfully close on it, and I'm happy to report 7-Eleven is currently in talks with a woman from Newark for an as-yet undetermined amount of beef jerky.' Some shareholders opposed to the deal claim 7-Eleven was shortchanged when Lindell siphoned funds from the take-a-penny, leave-a-penny tray to complete the sale.
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Geneticists at the Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that an estimated seven million people worldwide carry a distinctive genetic marker linking them to a single smooth-talking common ancestor. Gwilym of Many Conquests is believed to have smelled amazing for a ninth-century Welshman. According to the study, which analyzed blood samples from 4,000 participants in 17 countries, the lineage appears to have originated with a highly virile ninth-century Welsh nobleman known as Gwilym of Many Conquests. 'This is one of the largest diasporas known to have descended from a single progenitor,' said head researcher Lawrence Ghilcrest, adding that DNA evidence now corroborates stories about the Welshman that historians once dismissed as myth. 'To have propagated his genetic material so effectively, and across so much territory, we can only infer Gwilym was quite the charmer.' 'As the poets often wrote, he got 'more arse than a chamber pot,'' Ghilcrest added. According to lore, Gwilym was a persuasive mead-house balladeer known for his 'gilded, tunic-dropping verse.' Many texts note his total lack of standards concerning the age, weight, and appearance of the women he bedded, claiming that his silk-adorned pallet never lay cold for even a single night after his 17th birthday. The Johns Hopkins study attempts to trace the flow of Gwilym's genes from the British Isles through Europe, North Africa, South America, Asia, and back to South America. Because his DNA spread so quickly, researchers put credence in stories about Gwilym and his immediate offspring traveling great distances on the mere rumor of a loose handmaiden. Though little is known of Gwilym's life, artists have traditionally depicted the suave nobleman riding an eye-catching white mustang and wearing garishly colored linen garments that fall loosely about the chest to reveal a large medallion bearing his family's crest. It is remarkable, historians note, that he was able to spread his seed so far and wide before the age of 29, when he was savagely beaten to death by a neighboring lord known as Dafydd of Nine Cuckolds. 'Records indicate Gwilym was often accompanied by a retinue of male hangers-on, to whom he would occasionally bequeath a female he had already had his way with,' said Lucas Pearson, a prominent medievalist at Cardiff University. 'A surviving account from one of these men, Emrys the Drought-Plaguedwho described himself as 'saddled by cruel fate with damnable bouts of celibacy'bitterly derides Gwilym's callous, indifferent treatment of his conquests after his seductions were complete.' 'You really can't blame people for being envious of Gwilym, though,' Pearson continued. 'I mean, how did this jerk do it? Unbelievable.' According to Johns Hopkins' Ghilcrest, the genetic marker his team discovered primarily manifests itself in the trait of extreme persistence, often making its carriers completely impervious to rejection. 'It's rare to see one dominant trait express itself so uniformly in a genealogy across time,' said Ghilcrest, noting that this very trait appears to explain why Gwilym had such success in passing down his DNA. 'Like his modern descendants, [Gwilym] would systematically approach every woman in his immediate vicinity and engage in elaborate courtship rituals that sometimes lasted 10 or 12 hours. When every opportunity for coupling was exhausted, he would move on, often covering a great deal of ground in a single evening.' Emmanuel Chereskin, a biologist at the University of Rochester, said the genetic marker also produces some unique secondary phenotypes among those who carry it. These include long, flowing hair; superior whistling skills; and especially muscular arms and shoulders that may facilitate long bouts of casually leaning against walls. Gwilym's descendants have also been shown to produce a strong and intoxicating natural musk. 'These individuals are extremely adept at feigning interest in even the most tedious topics,' said Chereskin, referring to an experiment in which men who carry the marker were asked to listen to an attractive woman talk at length about plans for her sister's upcoming wedding. 'Additionally, when properly cued, they will reflexively spin subtle innuendo from even the most banal phraseology.' Chereskin added that theories of genetic expression suggest several well-known public figures are likely descendants of Gwilym, including actor Matthew McConaughey and Vice President Joe Biden. News of these findings have prompted many to undergo testing to determine if they too might be descended from this celebrated medieval Lothario. Reginald Sperino, a 36-year-old Henderson, NV waterbed salesman who tested positive for the sequence, said he is proud to come from such a noble line of sweet-talkers. 'I always thought there was something special about me,' Sperino said. 'I mean, what can Ihey, there, beautifulwhat can I say? It's nice to finally have an explanation for my je ne sais quoi.'
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COS COB, CTOn the 23rd turn of the game Monday, 7-year-old asshole Andy Scot advanced a checker to the opposite end of the board and plunked it down on a black square. 'King me,' the smug little bastard said, folding his pudgy arms across his sweater-vested chest. 'Do it.' The checkers game, which continued apace after you placed a checker on top of his, was at least a reprieve from hearing the little shit say 'sorry' during the game of the same name.
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Cale Parnell, 7, said Monday that he no longer holds Shrek in high regard, ever since the green ogre started appearing in TV ads for Burger King Kids Meals. 'Shrek just wants to sell things and make money,' Parnell said. 'He doesn't care if kids like me are having fun.' Parnell added that Shrek is 'just like that stupid money-grubber SpongeBob SquarePants.'
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Benjamin Gadsen, a local 7-year-old, dislikes all food other than corn, it was reported Tuesday. 'He likes corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn chips, corn flakes, corn syrup, corn oil, cornbread, corn dogs, roasting ears, popcorn, and Indian corn,' said Ruth Gadsen, the boy's mother. 'Basically, if it's corn, he'll eat it.'
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QUINTER, KSSophia Reed, 7, dominated Monday's Family Game Night, thanks in part to her inscrutable Uno face, family members reported. 'She'd just sit as quiet as a church mouse, then hit me with a 'draw four wild card,'' said Leo Reed, Sophia's grandfather and Uno opponent. 'Didn't matter whether I played blue, red, yellow, or green, that girl would not so much as twitch an eye after calling 'Uno'until she laid down that last card. Then she giggled like crazy, the little monkey.' Family members said Reed is also renowned for her super-steady Hungry Hungry Hippos trigger finger.
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In what Clinton Administration officials are calling 'a peoples mandate' for military action against Iraq, a Time/CNN poll released Monday found that 70 percent of Americans are in favor of watching U.S. air strikes against Iraq on TV. While an overwhelming percentage of Americans are 'very supportive' of televised prime-time bombings of Iraq, 91 percent 'strongly disapproved' of Thursday-night bombings, unless they were to take place during the half-hour between Seinfeld and ER. Additionally, 43 percent of those polled said the U.S. should bomb Iraq on PBSs NewsHour With Jim Lehrer 'only as a last resort.' Thirty-six percent said they would enjoy eating a nice, big meal while watching smart bombs fall on Iraqi targets, while 42 percent said they would prefer a light snack, ideally pretzels, and a beverage. Only 6 percent said they would prefer to watch the bombings with no food or drink at all. Said Secretary of State Madeleine Albright: 'Americans are clearly in support of President Clintons plan, so long as it is broadcast between 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. EST and features spectacular explosions.'
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According to a study released Monday by the United Nations Economic and Social Council, 4.2 billion peoplea full 70 percent of the planet's inhabitantscould use an all-star benefit concert. Michael Jackson during the finale of last month's 'United We Stand' benefit concert. 'Whether ravaged by war, disease, natural disaster, or just plain grinding poverty, there are a whole heck of a lot of people out there in desperate need of a star-studded fundraiser at Madison Square Garden,' ECOSOC president Martin Belinga-Eboutou said. 'Or, if not that, a Quincy Jones-produced remake of 'What's Going On' featuring everyone from P. Diddy to 'N Sync to U2's Bono.' Belinga-Eboutou pointed to the recent success of Concert For New York City, a five-and-a-half-hour extravaganza featuring such superstars as Elton John, Mick Jagger, Backstreet Boys, Paul McCartney, and Destiny's Child, among others. Earnings from the benefit, which aired on VH1 and will soon be released as a double-disc CD, are expected to surpass the $150 million raised in last month's all-star America: A Tribute To Heroes telethon. 'If we could get something like that going in the 315,583 places on the globe the U.N. has identified as 'in crisis,' we'd really have something,' Belinga-Eboutou said. Belinga-Eboutou cited Gujarat, the Indian state where a January earthquake killed an estimated 100,000 people and left nearly one million homeless, as an example of a region that could use a night of star-studded 'compassiontainment.' 'If Jerry Seinfeld could see it in his heart to toss off a few of his trademark observational one-liners for the needy people of Gujarat, it would greatly alleviate the suffering they have endured,' Belinga-Eboutou said. 'And the rock stylings of a reunited Who would be much appreciated, as well.' Last week, the U.N. established an exploratory committee to begin the arduous task of assigning stars to the world's trouble spots. However, with the ratio of needy locales to bankable stars standing at 4,390 to 1, an estimated 800 two-hour concerts per celebrity would be required over the next year to set things right in the world. These figures are also contingent upon no further natural or man-made catastrophes occurring during that time period. Though only in its initial stages, the deployment of stars has already begun. Last week, R&B sensation Pink was dispatched to Indonesia to raise money for the families of the 350 asylum-seeking refugees who drowned in an overcrowded boat last month, while Arista recording artist Dido is slated to perform Nov. 27 in war-torn Macedonia. In addition, the '80s new-wave band Soft Cell has agreed to reunite for three December shows in AIDS-ravaged South Africa. New York concert promoter Ron Delsener, who is in talks to organize more than 22,000 relief concerts on behalf of the U.N., said the logistical problems such a humanitarian effort would present are considerable. A group of benefit-concert-needing Bosnian refugees. 'There just aren't any adequate venues for, say, an Ozzy Osbourne show in Sierra Leone,' Delsener said. 'No stadiums, no arenas, not even a large auditorium. And have you ever tried tracking down a pyrotechnics expert with a union card in sub-Saharan Africa? It's practically impossible.' Delsener also noted that the cost of providing adequate security at such a concert would be greater than the gross national product of the nation in need. Despite such challenges, Third World leaders are urging musicians to do whatever they can. 'It is up to each and every star to pitch in,' said Nicaraguan president Jos Arnoldo Alemn Lacayo, whose drought-ravaged country will soon receive help in the form of Eagle-Eye Cherry. 'From heavy hitters such as Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen to young upstarts like Macy Gray, the world needs all the singers it can get.' The world's impoverished received more good news Monday, when George Harrison, whose 1971 Concert For Bangladesh was the first all-star fundraiser, said plans are underway for a follow-up show. 'I've already talked to Ringo [Starr] and Eric Clapton, and Tom Petty appears to be interested, too,' Harrison said. 'The Concert For Bangladesh was such a big success, there's no reason to think that this upcoming Concert For Albania, Algeria, Angola, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Belize, Benin, Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon, Central African Republic, Chad, Colombia, Congo, Costa Rica, Cte d'Ivoire, Croatia, Cuba, Djibouti, Egypt, El Salvador, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Gabon, Gambia, Georgia, Ghana, Guatemala, Haiti, Honduras, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Jamaica, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Latvia, Lesotho, Liberia, Libya, Lithuania, Macedonia, Malawi, Mali, Mexico, Mongolia, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Namibia, Nepal, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, North Korea, Pakistan, Panama, Paraguay, The Philippines, Romania, Russia, Rwanda, Senegal, Serbia and Montenegro, Sierra Leone, Slovakia, Slovenia, Somalia, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Tajikistan, Tanzania, Thailand, Tunisia, Turkey, Turkmenistan, Uganda, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Vietnam, Yugoslavia, Zaire, Zambia, and Zimbabwe won't be just as great.'
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Amid the bleak backdrop of imminent economic collapse, worried observers got some good news last October when executives from the nation's top 10 failing companies celebrated the historic $700 billion government bailout with an ultra- extravagant $800 billion party aimed at restoring confidence and bolstering their resolve. 'It's never ideal for private corporations to rely on public funding, but we would not have been able to survive another week without letting loose and throwing this massive bash,' Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain said aboard his newly purchased $22 million yacht, the Excelsior. 'We can only hope it's not a case of too little too late.' Three thousand guests were reportedly flown on 750 separate private jets to the Caribbean, where they commemorated the last-minute financial aid packagewhich saved their companies from the subprime mortgage crisis that has left thousands of Americans without homeswith 4-tons of Beluga caviar, $250,000 bottles of vintage Dom Prignon served over precious gems, a 36-hour fireworks display, an additional loan of $200 billion to cover the costs of the gala, and a private concert for each attendee with rock legend Rod Stewart. Held October 47 on all three of the Cayman Islands, the historic economic-stimulus celebration, spokespeople said, sent an important signal to the world that Wall Street was weathering the crisis in style. 'I'm glad we were all humble enough to recognize that we couldn't do this on our own,' said AIG CEO Edward Liddy, sitting in a hot tub filled with Cristal and seven dozen endangered-quail eggs. 'Having come so close to disaster, it is crucial that I eat these 24-karat-gold-leaf-wrapped chocolate truffles to boost stockholder morale and show all the critics and naysayers that we are carrying on just as we always have.' 'Do not worry, America,' Liddy added. 'It's business as usual at AIG.' In a sign of the new era of financial responsibility ushered in by the bailout, the CEOs estimated that they came in a full $100 billion under the party's projected $900 billion budgeta windfall they immediately reinvested in their companies' ailing executive-Christmas-bonus divisions.
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In an overwhelming show of support for dangerously escalating temperatures, 7.1 billion people from nearly every nation on earth staged massive demonstrations yesterday in favor of global warming. Whether they were sitting in their living rooms, watching football at a bar, or just driving somewhere, a sizable portion of the world let its support for climate change be heard loud and clear, said environmental policy expert Janet Purvis, adding that the protest that began in the morning never lost steam at any point throughout the day. This should serve as a wake-up call to officials around the world that the factors contributing to global warming are real, important, and must be protected at any cost. At press time, the 7.1 billion protesters were reportedly making plans to stage similar rallies every day for the foreseeable future.
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A poll released Monday by the D.C.-based firm Hahn & Associates revealed that 71 percent of Americans approve of President Clinton's current approval rating of 63 percent. According to the poll, just 11 percent of Americans believe Clinton's approval rating should be 'significantly lower,' while 18 percent believe it should be 'much higher.' 'This poll is a clear public mandate for the president, as a great majority of Americans strongly support his current level of support,' White House press secretary Mike McCurry said. The 71 percent represents Clinton's highest approval-rating approval rating since taking office.
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According to a joint study conducted by the FDA and the Department of Agriculture, nearly three out of four members of the U.S. livestock population show signs of clinical depression, with the vast majority of cases going untreated, government officials said Monday. Edgar, WI resident 521, one of the nation's many depression sufferers. 'The FDA is charged with the task of preventing potentially disastrous outbreaks of disease within the U.S. livestock population,' said Henry Wolcott, Assistant Undersecretary of Agriculture, Psychiatric Division. 'I'm afraid that, in this case, our intervention came too late. Our study shows that 73 percent of U.S. cattle, goats, sheep, and swine suffer from serious psychiatric problems.' Signs of clinical depression discovered by the researchers include severe listlessness, lack of motivation, and a flattening of emotional affect marked by glazed eyes and slow movements. 'Everyone is concerned about mad cow disease or the bird flu,' Wolcott said. 'What the average person fails to appreciate, however, is that mental disorders can be just as debilitating as physical ones. If you look into these animals' eyes, you can see the blank gaze of hopelessness and despair.' 'It's tragic,' Walcott added. 'It's no kind of life, not for man or beast.' Walcott said that millions of animals across the nation while away the hours unproductively, not moving until forced to do so by an outside factor, such as a farmhand or a milking machine. 'Most of the cows we examined barely had the energy to drag themselves from the barn out to the field,' Walcott said. 'Once in the field, they tended to spend most of their time quietly brooding and chewing cud, showing little to no willingness to communicate with their herd-member peers. Their depression was so debilitating that they needed to be coaxed out of inactivity through the use of hollering, physical force, and, in extreme cases, trained dogs.' The study also noted the average U.S. cow's tendency to emit low, mournful moans. Walcott said that the majority of sheep studied rarely moved during the day, opting instead to stand in one place, often avoiding sunlight and acting only when the food supply in the immediate area was depleted. 'Like many undiagnosed depression sufferers, it seems that a lot of U.S. livestock escape the emotional emptiness of their lives by overeating,' Walcott said. 'Most appear to care nothing about their personal appearance. And, as any ranch-hand who has ever shoveled manure can tell you, they make only limited effort to keep their physical surroundings in order.' Dr. Theodore Nelson, author of The Slow Slaughter: Growing Up Livestock In An Uncaring World, has made combating bovine ennui his personal mission. 'Sadly, much of our nation's livestock feel they have no future,' Nelson said. 'They see life as short, brutal, and bereft of purpose. They may appear to be functioning normallyeating feed, producing milk, and generating high volumes of fertilizerbut inside, many are just waiting to die.' In his book, Nelson calls for a federal program to provide Selective Livestock Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors to animals in need. 'The signs that these animals are depressed were right in front of us, but too many of us in the food sciences were blinded by narrow-minded agricultural orthodoxy to see them,' Nelson said. 'But we can't think this problem will be solved through medication alone. Cattle have to learn to believe in themselves. They've got to see themselves as more than walking hunks of meat or they'll never get better.' The government's report also contained preliminary data suggesting a rate as high as 95 percent for severe anxiety disorder among U.S. poultry.
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Explaining that the men currently engaged in the four-on-four pickup game are really big and seem kind of mean, players on the Philadelphia 76ers were reportedly hesitant Friday to kick a group of tough-looking guys off the teams practice court. I tried asking them what time theyd be done, but I dont think they heard me, said 76ers starting point guard Michael Carter-Williams, adding that his teammates and coaches have been quietly standing on the sidelines of the practice facility for 15 minutes in the hopes that the men would notice and take the hint to finish up. The court is definitely reserved for us, but I dont really want to start a whole fuss over it with these guys. At one point, it actually looked like they were done, but they just took a quick water break and then started up a new game with different teams. After this ones over, Ill try to see if theyll let us use half of the court. At press time, the 76ers players had sheepishly declined an invitation to join the pickup game, politely insisting that they would wait to take the court until the other men were done.
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Considering the teams share a division, come from major metropolitan areas in relative proximity to one another, and the fact that it would just be nice to have a little something extra to play for, the Philadelphia 76ers reportedly asked the New York Knicks to be their rivals Monday. 'Could be kind of fun, right?' said 76ers forward Elton Brand, adding that his team can be the rivalry's underdog or vice versa, it doesn't really matter to him. 'I don't know, maybe during our next game one of us can foul you hard, and then you can get up in our faces and taunt our fans later on in the game? It doesn't matter how it starts. We'll make sure to say we hate you at the post-game press conference. You know, like a rivalry. We think people are really going to get into this.' Upon seeing new Knicks star Carmelo Anthony walk into the room, the 76ers pushed a reluctant Andre Iguodala up to him and forced Iguodala to brashly guarantee a win the next time they play.
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Frances Buntz, 79, continues to work diligently as a file clerk at Kansas State Insurance and save any extra money she can, Buntz said Monday. 'When my husband had a stroke eight years ago, all of our savings went to bills,' said Buntz, momentarily resting her weight on her cane. 'Since then, I've been trying to build up a little nest egg.' Buntz said she hopes to someday invest in a nice little place to settle down, or some medicine.
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The producers of long-running family drama 7th Heaven have announced its 100th landmark episode dealing with underage drinking. 'We're proud that we're starting our first season on the new CW network with a storyline we've virtually perfected: the gravely serious problem of kids getting their hands on alcohol,' Executive Producer and series creator Brenda Hampton said. 'This time around, the Camdens learn a valuable lesson in forgiveness when Sam and David, the 7-year-old twins, are caught drinking Aqua Net straight from the spray-can cap.' The episode will be immediately followed by a rebroadcast of the series' 100th episode concerning premarital sex.
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ABC announced plans Monday to replace the laugh track of 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter with a somber string arrangement. 'Following the untimely death of John Ritter, it's only appropriate that we repackage this madcap parenting comedy as a very special tribute to a man whose life touched us all,' said producer Tim Sharbarth. 'I mean, the episodes are in the can. We've gotta air them. Luckily, with the addition of new music by cellist Yo Yo Ma, the episodes offer a chance for the viewing public to say goodbye to John, a beloved legend of physical comedy.' Promos for the show, which used to feature choice sexual wisecracks, now contain a message from Ritter's 'TV family' and clips of the sitcom's characters hugging.
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Gun owners nationwide are applauding the patriotic, though accidental, exercise of Second Amendment rights by 8-year-old Timothy Cummings Tuesday. Timothy Cummings 'Timothy is a symbol of American heroism,' said NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre from Cummings' bedside at Norfolk General Hospital, where the boy is in serious but stable condition from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. 'While praying for his recovery, we should all thank God that his inalienable right to keep and bear arms has not been infringed.' The incident occurred shortly after Cummings returned from school and found that his parents were absent from the house. Displaying what Second Amendment-rights groups are calling 'good old-fashioned American ingenuity,' Cummings placed a pair of phone books on a stool to retrieve his father's loaded .38-caliber revolver from its hiding place on a closet shelf. After a preliminary backyard investigation of his constitutional rights claimed the life of Pepper, the family's cocker spaniel, Cummings fell on the weapon, causing it to discharge into his left thigh. 'The framers of the Constitution would be so proud of what my boy did yesterday,' said Cummings' father Randall, 44, who originally purchased the handgun for home defense. 'If 8-year-old boys discharging loaded firearms into their own legs isn't necessary to the maintenance of a well-regulated militia, I don't know what is.' Doctors worked for six hours to reconstruct Timothy Cummings' femur, which shattered from the impact of the high-velocity teflon-coated slugs, and to graft his remaining muscular and circulatory tissue over the fist-sized exit wound below his left buttock. Although the boy lost a great deal of blood, attending physicians say they are confident that he will recover sufficiently to resume active use of firearms, though his chances of walking again are slim. 'For years, the people who want to take away our freedoms have said that we're not smart enough or responsible enough to own handguns,' Randall added. 'Timothy is proof that even a child is capable of using a handgun for its intended purpose.' NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre praising Cummings' 'commitment to the American way.' Gun owners nationwide have flooded Cummings' hospital room with flowers, letters of congratulations and invitations to 'come shooting.' Area firearms enthusiast and family friend Lloyd Stone showed his support by donating 18 inches of vascular material to help rebuild Cummings' left femoral artery. 'He may be just a boy, but this use of the Second Amendment was a man-sized undertaking,' Stone said. 'Timothy may need a wheelchair for the rest of his life, but with every step he doesn't take, he'll realize what the Constitution really means.' Although Cummings has yet to deliver an official statement on the incident, he regained consciousness long enough to discuss his immediate plans. 'Please, I want to run and play again,' Cummings told doctors Tuesday night. 'My leg hurts bad. Please make it stop.' Although gun-control advocates have criticized the boy's gun use, the NRA was quick to respond, calling Cummings' use of much-protested, teflon-coated 'cop-killer' bullets 'a victory for America.' 'Timothy should be held up as an example to people who think we don't need these bulletsor fully automatic assault weapons, or concealable handguns which are impervious to metal detectors, for that matter,' said NRA president Charlton Heston, who plans to congratulate Cummings in person as soon as he is through lobbying for Senate repeal of recently passed legislation mandating background checks for gun buyers. 'If we ban teflon-coated bullets, automatic weapons would be next,' Heston said. 'Then all handguns. Next thing you know, the law would deny our citizens' children the personal freedom to blow holes through their own legs.' NRA lobbyist Tom Korologos agreed. 'Timothy's heroic accident happened because we live in the greatest country in the world,' he said. 'Had he grown up in Japan, England or Russia, he wouldn't be where he is today.' 'Restrictive laws would have kept him 'safe' at homeand they would have justified it by telling us it was for his own good,' Korologos added. 'That's not the type of country I'd want my children to grow up walking normally in.' 'Timothy is a shining example to gun-owning families everywhere,' Cummings' mother Suzanne told reporters. 'I am proud that my boy has followed in the footsteps of the many thousands of patriotic children who have already demonstrated their commitment of the U.S. Constitution in this same way.'
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Danny, an 8-year-old Asian mix from Sterling, VA, beat out 2,500 top contenders from around the country Tuesday to win best in show at the 135th annual Westminster Boy Show. The prize committee said the Asian mix's lustrous hair and good temperament earned it high marks. Standing in the winners circle before a sold-out crowd at Madison Square Garden, Danny impressed judges and fans alike with his even temperament and self-assured attitude. Handler Kenny Earle said he was not at all surprised by the outcome, describing Danny as the most well-rounded boy he has seen in 17 years of training boys. 'We knew we had a world-class show boy on our hands from the time Danny was 3,' Earle said after rewarding Danny with a Rice Krispies treat. 'I've worked with Asian mixes extensively, and they tend to be very skittish and shyespecially those from Korean stock. But not Danny. He's always been obedient, polite, and totally confident.' 'None of the other boys out there even came close to him,' Earle continued. 'Not even that gorgeous Afghan longhair.' According to a citation issued by the judging panel, Danny excelled in every standard for boys in the mixed category, achieving a flawless, even stride while being led around the show ring. Additionally, Danny received top marks for his glossy, healthy-looking bowl cut and perfectly pressed khaki slacks. The winning boy, above, being led by his handler around the floor. 'With Asian mixes, what the judges are really looking for is bone structure and lots of personality,' Westminster show chairman Tom Webb said. 'Danny won his group largely thanks to his prominent cheeks and clean jaw. You could just tell from the moment he started trotting the floor that this boy was going to be a real crowd favorite.' Sources said Danny's victory is especially notable because it marks only the fourth time in the event's history that a boy of mixed pedigree has taken top honors. Purebreds have been the perennial victors, and bigger breeds from the working-boy groupthose traditionally used on farms and as golf caddieshave won the past six Westminster shows. Perhaps most surprising to boy aficionados was the judges' decision to award second place to Timothy, a 6-year-old from the Husky group, a category of boys lauded for the entertainment they provide but seldom taken seriously in competition. 'Everyone loves the Husky boys, but they're still viewed as something of a novelty,' show organizer Shelly Winthrop said of the soft, somewhat clumsy breed often referred to as the clowns of the boy world. 'With their rounded flanks and drooping hindquarters, they tend to breathe heavily while gaiting, which works against them during judging. Hopefully Timothy's showing here today will help these boys get more positive recognition.' 'After all, Husky boys are now the most common type of boy in the country,' Winthrop added. This year's Westminster Boy Show also had its less-than-triumphant moments, however. Ricky, a 10-year-old from the Bully group, reportedly bit a judge while having his teeth inspected, and Rodney, a favorite to win the Mama's Boy group, stained his short-pant suit when he grew nervous and urinated midway through his trot around the ring. Still, longtime show-boy fans said the 2010 edition included some of the strongest competitors in recent memory. 'This is my fifth time coming, and the boys this year were simply breathtaking,' spectator Tanya Poole said. 'So frisky and full of life, and just immaculately groomed. Even though they're only boys, you could somehow tell they were having the time of their lives.' Echoing the sentiments of many others, Poole added that she couldn't wait to get home to see her own boy, Jeffrey, and let him out of his crate.
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No amount of explanation has been sufficient to make Dylan Rieder, 8, understand why he is not permitted on the roof of his family's two-story home. Dylan Rieder stands near the controversial roof. 'I don't know why I can't play up there,' Rieder said Monday. 'I'm not gonna fall off. It's way less steep than the slide at the playground. And I never fall off that when I climb up. Plus, I wouldn't ruin anythingthere's not even anything to ruin. It's just the roof and the chimney and the TV antenna and the wires that go to the telephone pole, but I know not to touch the wires.' Rieder's remarks came on the heels of his third parental warning in as many weeks not to even think about going on the roof. 'He does this every summer,' said Beth Rieder, Dylan's mother. 'As soon as it gets warm, he gets it in his head that he needs to get on that roof, and he won't give up until it's covered with snow. If I hadn't been out shopping all afternoon, he would have bugged me about it again today.' While Rieder has been subjected to numerous anti-roof-climbing lectures from his parents, his older brother Stephen, and next-door neighbor Mr. Rutigliano, none of their arguments have struck him as valid. Reasons given for staying off the roof have included the danger of falling off, the fragility of the shingles, and what someone driving by might think. 'He knows he shouldn't be up there,' Beth said. 'That's that.' Rieder said he recognizes that safety is a concern and promised he would not run, jump, or otherwise conduct himself irresponsibly if let onto the roof. 'I would be really, really careful,' Rieder said. 'It's not that different from climbing a tree. Mom once said she was going to let me put a treehouse up there. What's the difference?' Rieder said he could perform many useful tasks if permitted onto the roof. 'I could see if any balls got caught up there and throw them down. And I could make sure the chimney doesn't have anything stuck in it,' Rieder said. 'Also, I could help get the leaves out of the leavesdrops [sic], then Dad wouldn't have to get all mad at the ladder when it pinches his fingers.' As further evidence that his parents have nothing to fear, Rieder cited several eye-opening statistics. 'People can get killed in a car accident a hundred times more easy than they can on a roof,' Rieder said. 'Or they can eat poison by accident or get a disease or get bit by a dog and get rabies. So I should get to go on the roof, 'cause it would be a lot safer than that.' Though he would like his parents' permission, Rieder said he has not ruled out a covert roof visit. Without use of his parents' bedroom window, which they keep locked at all times, Rieder's best chance for roof access is via a tree in the backyard. By climbing to the fourth extending branch, Rieder would be able to drop down neatly onto the roof. The tree, however, is visible to anyone looking out the kitchen window, the very place where his mother stands as she does dishes and prepares meals. 'I might try the tree in the back, too, but that's harder,' Rieder said. 'I can't get caught, 'cause Mom would kill me.' Climbing on the roof is not the only activity forbidden to Rieder. Also verboten are pulling up the loose blacktop at the edge of the driveway, picking leaves off the bushes in the front yard, playing with the rocks in the window wells, writing on the side of the house with chalk, climbing on the water meter, putting anything in the mailbox without prior approval, and opening the chest freezer in the garage.
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In spite of his distaste for Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, area 8-year-old Josh Remmert was forced by his mother to eat an entire plate of the organic pasta for lunch Tuesday. 'I like Kraft Mac & Cheese a lot better, but Mom says it's all processed and got artificial stuff in it,' Remmert said. 'At least it's the right color. The cheese in this stuff isn't even orange.' To help wash down the all-natural pasta, Remmert was given a choice between carrot juice and vanilla-flavored Rice Dream.
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PHILADELPHIA8-year-old Easton, PA Little Leaguer Tyler Jenson and 31-year-old professional baseball player Pat Burrell were given identical tips on improving their swings and properly hitting a baseball Monday night. 'Remember to keep your elbow up, keep your knees bent, and keep your eye on the ball,' said both 45-year-old hardware-store manager and father of three Dale Kremke and retired Major League Baseball veteran of 18 years Milt Thompson to the two struggling hitters. 'Watch the ball out of the pitcher's hand, and just meet the ball with the bat. Come on, now, just takes one.' Both Burrell and Jenson struck out in their next at bat and returned to their respective dugouts in tears.
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As civilian casualties continue to mount amid the escalating conflict along the Gaza Strip, 8-year-old Palestinian boy Walid Suleiman expressed both joy and astonishment Monday that he has yet to be killed in an Israeli military attack. Boy, I thought Id be dead by this past Saturday for sure, but amazingly enough, here I am, said Suleiman, adding that he is pleased, but pretty shocked not to be among the estimated 100 Palestinians left dead by widespread Israeli airstrikes in the region over the past six days. Id have bet you anything that by today theyd have already dug my corpse out from underneath a giant pile of rubble and buried me alongside the rest of my family. Guess I won the lottery, eh? At press time, incoming Israeli aircraft could be heard swiftly approaching as Suleiman limped back to his home.
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An estimated 80 billion tons of Jar Jar Binks-related merchandisemanufactured in bulk this spring in anticipation of the summer's blockbuster Star Wars prequelis now available at as much as 70 percent off the regular retail price and could plummet even lower by week's end, according to a report issued Monday by the National Association of Toy & Novelty Retailers. Some 795 pounds of discounted Jar Jar merchandise hangs on display at a Garden City, NY, Toys 'R' Us. 'Come on down, one and all, and get your special, ultra-rare collectibles featuring everybody's favorite bumbling orange space-frog, the incomparable Jar Jar Binks, surely one of the most enduring and beloved characters in the entire Star Wars pantheon,' NATNR spokesman Jonathan Oglivie said. 'All across America, Jar Jar action figures, plush dolls, push-up pops, bedspreads, nightlights, play make-up heads, keychains, toothbrushes, mugs, mouse pads, bicycle helmets, TV-dinner trays, T-shirts, pajamas, coloring books, paint-by-number sets, jigsaw puzzles, glow-in-the-dark stickers, videogames, interactive read-along CD-ROM adventures, and pretty much anything else you can possibly imagine are available at low, low prices that anyone in the universe can afford.' Oglivie said the savings are part of a 'very special, limited-time offer' available 'only until we can somehow clear all this stuff off the shelves.' He also noted that the estimated 850 billion cubic feet of cardboard-backed, plastic-wrapped Jar Jar merchandise is available 'wherever virtually anything is sold.' Monday's report comes in response to what industry insiders are calling 'a shelf-space crisis of unimaginable proportions' that has resulted in 'giant piles of Jar Jar detritus as much as several stories high' in parking lots across the nation. Toy stores, gas stations and supermarkets everywhere are choked with items bearing the image of the omnipresent, mischief-making Gungan amphibian. To deal with the massive overspill of goods, many retailers are offering a 'bucket of Jar Jar' deal, in which customers who bring their own trashbag can take away 'as much Jar Jar crap as they can carry' for a nominal fee, often one dollar or less. 'Not only is this clearance sale a chance to buy some terrific Star Wars merchandise at a great price,' said Ames, IA, ShopKo manager Benjamin Reuss, 'but it will also help fulfill the legal requirement that I clear a reasonable pathway to the fire exits before the fire inspector returns next Thursday.' One of the 272,940 inflatable Jar Jar chairs currently dotting the American landscape. 'Let's face it: America is in the grip of a Jar Jar glut that has virtually paralyzed the nation,' said sales-industry analyst Richard Januscz. 'Almost anywhere you go in this country, there is a life-size stand-up cardboard cutout of Jar Jar Binks staring at you, extending a helpful hand toward the soft-drink dispenser, his grinning face seeming to say, 'Wah-nah so-dah?' He is inescapable. Something must be done immediately.' A spokesman for Lucasfilm said the enormous discounts represent 'a fantastic opportunity' for Star Wars fans, noting that Jar Jar is a fun, adorable character who is loved by children of all ages. 'Who doesn't love Jar Jar, with his clumsy, side-splitting antics, adorable pidgin-English speech patterns, and hilarious Muppety voice?' asked Lucasfilm vice-president of licensing Joseph Gaer. 'As George Lucas himself has repeatedly stated, the creation of Jar Jar Binks is his single greatest accomplishment in The Phantom Menace, the aspect of the film he's most proud of, because Jar Jar is the first completely digital character ever to appear in a major motion picture. Right?' 'Right?' added Gaer, wiping his brow. 'Is anybody with me on this one? Hello?' With the Jar Jar crisis mounting, the federal government has stepped in, urging citizens to 'do their part' by purchasing at least one Jar Jar item. Citizens are also encouraged to stay indoors and use major business-district thoroughfares only if absolutely necessary. Should the Jar Jar surplus reach disaster levels, the National Guard is poised to begin transporting the accumulated products to special 'Emergency Jar Jar Storage Silos' in northern Nevada, where they will be kept until buyers can be found. If significant tonnage remains after these measures have been taken, the Jar Jar items will likely be recycled for use as building materials by Third World nations or, if necessary, as solid fuel.
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Director Andrew Dominik announced Saturday that he was forced to scrap a new $80 million motion picture after reviewing footage and finding that the film's star, Brad Pitt, had a piece of spinach wedged between his front teeth throughout the three-month shoot. 'It's unfortunate, because Brad's performance was so great,' said Dominik, explaining that the spinach was visible in every scene in which Pitt opens his mouth. 'We tried to salvage it by adding a brief prologue before the credits where he's eating a bowl of spinach, but it's still too distracting, particularly because of all the scenes where his fellow actors rub their tongues over their teeth and slyly point at their mouths.' Earlier in postproduction, Dominik noticed that Mary-Louise Parker had mustard smeared on her face, but that problem was quickly solved by digitally inserting hot dogs into her hands every time she appeared on screen.
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