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as with most of the posts here, this happened a while ago. actually, this happened the night of ufc 100.
went with a friend (let's call him g) to a mutual friend's house to watch the fights. the mutual friend had a bunch of people over. big screen pulled out on to his back deck, bbq-ing, drinking, fun times.
at one point, someone sitting next to me, who i don't know, says to someone else "i'm gonna grab a brownie". i like brownies. i say to him "hey man, would you be kind enough to grab me a piece of brownie as well?"
"sure!"
he comes back with 4 small pieces of brownie, about the size of a cracker and maybe three times as thick.
fights are over, g and myself are sitting in my car. after some thought, i say "there wasn't a lot of food cooked tonight."
"no."
i ponder some more and say "i believe there is a white castle run in our immediate future."
he agrees. off we go to white castle. we order our burgers and start enjoying. after one, i pause and ponder...and finally say "were those pot brownies at (mutual friend)'s?"
he smiles broadly and says "yuuuuuup"
it was around this point i was starting to get really high and wondering how since i hadn't smoked. i'm not one of those dopes that say "oh, i love driving when high!" of course, i'm out and about and getting really really high. instead of dropping g off at his place, he asks to drop him off at another mutual friend's crib. me being the good friend i am, i oblige. as i'm driving him to his friend's (not very far at all), i'm on a steady upward trajectory of high. i drop him off and i'm getting higher still. at this point i am terrified about being pulled over. as i'm white-knuckling it home, i am reminded of the old sinbad stand-up routine involving pot-smoking drivers driving incredibly slowly. i suddenly was able to relate to that bit like never before.
i finally make it home and collapse in grateful exhaustion. was so overly incredibly too (unexpectedly) high that it permanently turned me off from weed.
|
i found out the hard way there was more than just chocolate in them brownies
|
eating a brownie
|
Title:eating a brownie
TLDR:
|
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alright, so this all happened earlier today while i was working in some guy's yard..
money can be hard to come by for a student like myself, so i do yard work on the side to make a few extra bucks to help pay for gas and insurance and whatnot. i've been doing pretty good recently, despite the fact it's the dead of winter and yard work isn't plentiful this time of year.
today was supposed to be a relatively good day.. i'm scheduled to work for a president of some company (that means he pays well.. very well). it's a very nice neighborhood. i'm familiar with the area. the guy i'm working for is a nice guy. i'm friends with his sweet, elderly dog. he's got a lot of work lined up. excellent. i'm going to get to work most of the day for a guy i like, and get a nice little pay on top of all that.
i get there and he tells me everything that needs to be done. leaves need raking, gutters need cleaned out, christmas lights need to be taken down, etc. sounds good.
before i get to this next part let me explain my trouser situation. i work out as much as i can- i'm not trying to sound like some arrogant gym jockey, but i'm serious. working out helps me deal with stress and all that good stuff. the important thing here is that i don't skip leg day. glutes, hams, quads, even calves, i hit them all. i probably should do less.. but legs come easy for me and i actually enjoy doing them. that being said, i have a hard time fitting in most jeans. i have one maybe two brands i can squeeze into.. yeah, i have a leg problem.. anyway, the brands i can get are thankfully cheap for jeans at belk. if i get some good gains at the gym and can't fit in them anymore, or if they wear out i can replace that pair if i save up a little bit. my more worn jeans become my work jeans.
i'm wearing my only pair of work jeans as i get started on this dude's leaves and as i bend down to pick up a pile of leaves my pants suddenly become more spacious. those things ripped from mid-buttocks to mid-thigh. so here i am standing in the middle of this very nice neighborhood displaying my undergarments to the rich folk. this is only minutes into what should be a long work day. i just kept working with a stupid grin on my face as the guy i was working for came out to see how things were going, and as the mail lady dropped off a package, and as the man's wife came outside for god knows what. i finished out the day without anyone saying anything to me about my exposed ass cheek. i was even singing spongebob's "ripped my pants" song at one point.
|
wore cheap jeans. went to nice neighborhood. rich people everywhere. tore my jeans almost in half. had to work all day with an exposed ass cheek. still got paid well
|
buying cheap jeans
|
Title:buying cheap jeans
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, this happened today.
i received a call from my mother near the end of school. she asked if i could pick up my younger brother from elementary school. well, sure, why not. anything to postpone my homework.
i drove to the elementary school, and waited forever in the pick-up/drop-off lane, finally seeing his face in the crowd of students. as he got into the back seat, i was feeling in good spirits, so i asked him if he wanted to go to the park. "yeah!" he responded energetically.
i sat down on a bench at the park, pulled out a book and began to read, occasionally glancing up to make sure he wasn't doing anything that he shouldn't be. nope, he's just poking at something in the grass on the other end of the playground.
"hey, god_of_trolling, what's this thing? it's *weeird!*
my brother runs over, gleefully waving something in his fist.
he tosses it right onto my book, and i stare at it.
it's a condom. a fucking *used condom.*
i told him that it was a finger cut off of a latex glove, gingerly tipping it into the trash. i corralled him into the car, took him home, and made him wash his hands three times. i burned the book.
|
didn't pay attention to my brother, he found a used condom.
|
letting my brother play with a used condom
|
Title:letting my brother play with a used condom
TLDR:
|
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] |
it's a short one, and it severely hurt my pride.
a bit of backstory; i'm not 'poor' by any means, i mean, sure, i've got $1 dr in my bank account, but it's university poor. what does that mean? well, basically, there's aplenty of avenues for me to get a good feed for free, plenty of nice charities i can go in and get some food and donate later. sometimes.. well, most of the time, i feel like a shitlord for grabbing a feed for free and not paying for it. but it is what it is. i donate once every month or so with what little funds i have. i come from a lower-income family, whatcanyoudo.
so, i go down to the shops today to buy cereal and some vegies, the works. i know that nearby there's an rsl which give out free hot chocolates and mochas out of their little coffee machine thing. i figure, i'll grab two cups and head on out. i grab my first cup i hear some buzz in the background behind the bar which i am now fully aware is pure and utter scorn. *'he's not on the pokies, you can't do that!, if he grabs another i swear...'* so basically i hide behind my phone and read about the local tennis scores. i'm not actually that much into the tennis beyond the finals, but serena williams beat the screaming russian girl, so i'm all the more happy that poetic justice has been served. then i check my phone for any job interviews, none. i then go back to the coffee machine to grab a mocha, i hear more scorn. i don't think much of it, i figure after i finish this one off i'll just leave my cup and head on out. i'm feeling like a bit of a shit cunt at this point for doing what i'm doing. i finish off my mocha and decide to grab one quick one before i head off. the lady turns and notices what i'm doing. 'excuse me, you can't do that! it's reserved for people who play on the machines!', i apologise in a dutiful way, like it's something that has to be said. 'sorry, i didn't know. sorry', she replies 'no you're not'. i think of something witty say. i've got plenty of witticisms, i'm rather brash at times and i like dry wit. but nothing comes up... my tails hidden between my legs. i grab my bags and to the angry stares of several old coots i leave the rsl, rather embarrassed. so basically, because i was too greedy, i was called out.
have you ever felt like an actual poor person? i pay my rent, i'm trying to get a part time job, i study and i talk regularly to my film contacts about filming stuff, but i don't have any money to show for it.
|
got too greedy when grabbing several free cuppas from an rsl and now i feel like a poor bloke.
|
being too greedy
|
Title:being too greedy
TLDR:
|
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] |
now most people will see this as obvious, well duh, dont sleep on a bus silly. however, i'm a very light sleeper, and have never missed a stop in my years of bus riding.
after a particularly grueling day at work, i hop on the regular bus i take to get home. however, i got on the wrong 535. the one going south, not north. i swear it said lynnwood, but i guess in my hungry tired state, i dun goofed.
anyways, get on the bus, mess around on reddit for about 30 seconds before im out. get to the end of the line, the point when i normally wake up, and holy shit i'm at least 1.5 hours away from home. i just had to wait for the right one to come. i got off of work at 6, its 845 now and i just got home.
|
dont take the wrong bus, i am not a smart man.
|
falling asleep on the bus
|
Title:falling asleep on the bus
TLDR:
|
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] |
this was back in may of 2014, the night of my senior prom. prom went well, it was actually kind of boring though because high school kids don't really dance, they just do a somewhat twist on humping/grinding which is stupid and not even fun. anyway, after the prom, my girlfriend and i went somewhere private for a little fun. sadly we had nowhere we could go with an actual bed so we had to resort to having fun in the back of my car, which was kind of cramped. out in the pitch black woods, we couldn't see a thing but it wasn't really a problem for the most part. things went fine up until she got on her hands and knees and wanted me to give her the old lickeroo from behind. i was fine with this and was ready for the task at hand. i bent down and stuck my tongue out, not being able to see a blasted thing, and my tongue touched something that no man's tongue should ever touch. it was like the opposite of viagra for me, instant mood killer, and then we both fell onto our backs and screamed "ew" and then we started laughing. there was no taste like i would have expected but the real deal breaker was the texture. blow up a balloon and tie it and lick the wrinkly piece of plastic that hangs down. that's basically the texture of it but more firm/taut. that's something i will never do again, whether it's on accident or on purpose.
|
it was really dark and she was on her hands and knees and i accidentally licked the wrong hole.
|
misjudging a girl's anatomy
|
Title:misjudging a girl's anatomy
TLDR:
|
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0.014406297355890274
] |
so i'm a normal guy, decently fit, decently tall, decently diabetic, but i do have a thirst for milk. so imagine my surprise when i come over to my father's house for the weekend, and find three jugs of it. thought i was about to have a aneurysm from sheer delight right then and there. i get to drinking, and to my surprise, i learn that publix 2% milk has some god damned flavor! tasty as shit right there. anyways, my saturday morning progresses much like this. drink milk, eat food. drink milk, play video games. drink milk, have lunch. drink milk, beat up my little brother. anyways, come snack time, and i reach for my jug, to prepare my snack of choice, sugar coated cereal. my little sister, seeing my reach for the now almost empty first milk jug, says that that jug isn't for me. questioning her, she informs me that the milk is for my other brother, issac, who is only but a year old. who i adore. who my mother has been breastfeeding. i made that noise that you make when you eat something really gross, like some sort of hacking noise from the back of my throat, and then i run to the basement to grab a six pack of my brothers mountain eew. i have never been happier to down that piss. i dont think i'll ever drink milk again.
|
got to second base via the transitive property.
|
getting to second base with my step mom
|
Title:getting to second base with my step mom
TLDR:
|
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] |
i got given some hash chocolate yesterday, just one piece but this stuff is potent as hell. 7 ounces in one block, one piece is enough to knock me on my ass and if i have two it's definitely gonna be bed time soon. so i decide i'll have it before i go to bed, just had the one piece and i just left it on my bed and put the blanket over it so the dogs wouldn't find it. come bed time i go to grab this piece of chocolate only to discover its missing and there's two small brown stains on the sheet. straight away think oh shit it would've been one of the dogs. wasn't hard to figure out which dog it was. one of our dogs had been sleeping on an arm chair for a while and hadn't moved much while the others were all active and moving about. went and sat with her, she was real jumpy even when you called her name she would jump like "shit what was that". she must have been so fuckin high, this chocolate is so strong. got her some water and biscuits, she wolfed down the biscuits and crashed not long after. kept an eye on her through the night and let her sleep it off, she's fine today and i've started calling her bob marley.
|
dog ate hash chocolate, she was high as fuck.
|
leaving hash chocolate on my bed
|
Title:leaving hash chocolate on my bed
TLDR:
|
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] |
my diet has been nothing but pepperoni pizza hot pockets since i was broke as fuck. i went to walmart to buy groceries when the sudden urge to shit hit me. while my face turned constipated red and my asshole shrunk 3 times its size, i waddled my way to the bathroom. i didn't have my contacts or glasses on, so everything was really blurry. against better judgement, i went into the bathroom on my right.
i made my way across the odd number of stalls to the handicap stall (because i like to have leg space when the pressure from my ass breaks my kneecaps), dropped trou and did the deed.
the smell was horrendous. like, month old ketchup having sex with a dead body and using garbage juice as anal lubrication.
but i digress.
i was unaware that there was an occupant in the stall next to mine. this reality came to light after i heard coughing, gagging and saw premature lift off the toilet from staring at the floor. the coughing and gagging belonged to a little boy who promptly threw-the-fuck-up-like-every-fucking-where-even-on-my-shoes-oh-god.
"**mommy!**", cried a young boy.
the poor soul ran out of the restroom with sound of panicked stomping and un-buckled clanging resonating through the vicinity. i knew i was going to hell for poisoning an innocent child with my swamp ass, but my gravy train was still set on a crash course with the porcalin penthouse and you bet your sweet ass that it wasn't room service.
ass my ass cheeks clapped to together from flatulence and shit and radiated like a machine gun while i silently screamed, i heard a woman's voice.
"oh, god! what the fuck is this?"
i looked up like a cat looking at something only to come face-to-face with with the tiled wall of my impending imprisonment and that's when it all came together.
the blurry sign.
the odd number of stalls.
the woman's voice.
this was the fucking women's restroom.
but why was there a little boy in here?
this question was answered by the second female voice.
"ugh, jacob. don't leave your phone in the restroom. this is why i had you go in the girl's restroom instead of the men's."
all of the built-up shit left my sphincter in one mighty *praaattt*. i wiped my ass and looked under the stall to see if anyone was still in here.
no one.
yes.
my chance to escape.
i covered my face and very nonchalantly ran out of the restroom only to slip on the leftover vomit on one of my shoes and go face first onto the floor.
i never got my groceries.
happy fucking saturday.
|
technically filled a kid's lungs with my own shit and almost died.
|
going to walmart
|
Title:going to walmart
TLDR:
|
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] |
this fu happened many years ago when i was a little kid.
so i was at the groceries with my family. my dad finished in the checkout lane and was already pushing the cart. he got a lot of snacks for me so i was super excited to look inside the bags.
i approached the cart that was coming at me and i assumed that it was my family's. i didn't see who was pushing the cart since my eyes were only focused on the cart.
i untied one bag. there was soda. weird. my dad never buys soda unless there's a party and there was definitely no party in my house anytime soon.
finally, i looked up. this person wasn't my dad. it was an old lady.
she was smiling at me. she didn't yell at me or give me an angry look. she looked at me and it felt like her cold eyes pierced my soul. it was like she was smiling on the outside, but on the inside she was probably like, "if this wasn't a dang nab public place i'd blast his ass off to space with my cane."
i slowly walked backward towards my father, but she kept her icy eyes locked on me and her emotionless smile creeped its way into my nightmares.
|
i untied an old lady's grocery bag by accident and now she gives me nightmares.
|
being an asshole to an old lady
|
Title:being an asshole to an old lady
TLDR:
|
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] |
backstory: i have vertigo and it's usually most disorienting in the morning, so i generally wait a bit to get up to use the bathroom lest i fall and die in an empty bathtub.
okay, so yesterday i went and got a brazilian wax and the particular wax she used on my crack was incredibly resistant to all forms of removal, including baby oil. this morning, my asscheeks were still stuck together, but somehow slippery, and i had arby's gas. so i'm laying in bed, trying to ignore the stomach pain until i felt comfortable enough to make my way to the bathroom. mistake. since my cheeks were stuck, i had to push harder to fart, hoping to relieve some of the pressure. i pushed too hard, realized i'd shit and ran to the bathroom. i got lucky and was mid stride when it finally broke past my slick, waxy backside and only managed to hit my own legs. i have never been so thankful that my boyfriend wasn't home, i almost don't love me after that, no fucking way he would.
|
thought it was a fart and ended up with diarrhea down my legs.
|
pushing too hard
|
Title:pushing too hard
TLDR:
|
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] |
it was a snowy day in new jersey, i was getting ready for high school. i had no idea id put my face into a girls glorious buttocks.
so i was in the schools cafeteria, getting ready for 5 more periods before getting out and enjoying my weekend. i had finished my pretty fucking terrible sandwich, and went to throw it out. what i didn't know was that my shoe was untied. i think you know what happens next.
i throw my lunch out, turn around, and there's a beautiful girl in front of me going up to throw her lunch out, too. well, i tripped, pushed her side, and she fell face first (i pushed her side which flipped her around), and so did i.
but unlike her, i had cushioning.
on her ass.
i was on her ass for a good five seconds before getting up and seeing atleast 25 people just looking and laughing. she got up, looked at me in the most angry look ever and then the bell rang. havnt talked to her about it since. but i didn't have too.
she got her boyfriend to talk to me personally.
i was just going to my locker when this fucking strong guy comes up to me looking pissed as hell. he kept telling me how he was going to beat the shit out of me for touching his girlfriend. luckily a teacher was their and told him to get to class. he said he will see me on monday.
|
threw lunch out, tripped on shoe lace, pushed her and fell into her ass. her boyfriend is going to have a few words with me on monday.
|
pushing a girl and falling face first into her nice ass and almost getting best up by the boyfriend
|
Title:pushing a girl and falling face first into her nice ass and almost getting best up by the boyfriend
TLDR:
|
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] |
today i fucked up by writing poetry. literally today. i've had a problem with these girls i live with leaving their hair in the shower drain. i'm on a sports team at my university and wash my hair at the gym after workouts (private locker room), never when i (rarely) shower at home. i made plans with a friend from a nearby university to watch some movies and crash at my place this evening (after running it by the other girls). as i began to clean up the apartment, i noticed the massive amount of hair in the shower preventing it from properly draining.
anyone who lives with women knows how frequent and disgusting this problem can be. i've seen situations get pretty ugly when housemates discuss this issue and i tried speaking to the girls directly last semester on the issue to no avail. this semester i used my wit to devise a less direct (people freak out when they think you're blaming them for things) solution. i thought this was a clever and witty way to approach the problem...but i was wrong.
so far, one of my housemates has confronted and accused another of writing and posting the poem in our shower. said housemate then confronted me (of course i claimed my work). i texted the originally angry housemate and have received no reply after claiming my work. i predict passive aggressive...maybe just aggressive psychological war ahead.....
this is the note i left taped to the shower wall:
if while you shower hair is lost
into the trash you should toss
we all know it's great to share
except when it comes to hair
lots of hair will clog a drain
that would be such a pain
let's keep our bathroom somewhat clean
it doesn't have to be pristine.
-mgmt
|
i wrote a note to tell my housemates to keep hair out of the shower drain. may have sparked a passive aggressive house war.
|
pissing my housemates off in the shower
|
Title:pissing my housemates off in the shower
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened last month but whatever.
let me set the mood, i'm a younger utility engineer in a field where everyone is at least 10-30 years older than me. well i went on a buisness conference trip with my boss to learn about the "new" technologies in my field. i've been on multiple of these and most of them are full of 40-60 year old socially awkward engineers.
fast forward to mid week of the week long conference. the organizers of the conference ask everyone to get together that night to socialize,drink,exchange buisness cards etc... the words open bar are said.... sold.
the night progressed as expected. i start to get bored of the usual utility talk so i eventually find this 40 year old engineer and he's drinking on a pace i'm used to seeing coming right out of college. well he's actually really entertaining we start bullshitting for the better part of an hour. hes showing me hilarious pictures on his phone we're laughing and drinking it's all good.
then comes my fuck up, the non wedding ring seemingly bachelor from our prior conversations shows me 3 of the hottest blonde girls wearing daisy dukes and cowboy hats on his phone. i'm thinking damn man good for you and he says " you want to talk about stress man, look at these girls." to which i reply "man, that doesn't look like stress adders those look like stress relievers!" (yes, i know that this is not politically correct, i'm fresh out of college and i was drunk trying to fit in.)
no sooner did it come out of my mouth did i realize what he was going to say next... "those are my daughters..."
cue foot in mouth. i'm an idiot.
|
i mistook a cool engineer as a playboy and told him that i thought his daughters would be good stress relievers.
|
mistaking a loving father for a creep.
|
Title:mistaking a loving father for a creep.
TLDR:
|
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i was on facebook and saw that someone posted a link to a buzzfeed article about cozy chairs to take naps in. being someone who enjoys taking naps, i clicked on the article and started browsing. i came across one that i thought was cool looking, and clicked the link to the website where the chairs were made.
this is where i fucked up. the company that makes the chairs is german. after getting chrome to translate the page i still couldn't make sense of it, but i did see 3.900 with what i think is the euro symbol next to it. i went into a separate tab to try to convert that to us dollars (which came out to 4.400) now with euros, they put a period where we use a comma, so i assume this chair costs about 4,400$ usd.
i go to the page that says "order now" just to see if the page would convert the cost, or tell me the shipping cost from germany to america. as i blindly fill out the shipping information, i click the "submit" button equivalent on the page, assuming that it will take me to another page where i fill out my credit card info and will see the total cost. if things occurred as they should have, i would have just closed the page after seeing the total and would have been content just knowing how much it cost.
instead the next page is green text that roughly translates to "thank you for submitting your order!" and that's when i freak out.
i sent an email to the company asking that they don't send me a chair. i have no idea how it would fit in my dorm room. and, you know, how i would pay for it.
[picture of my pathetic email](http://imgur.com/oobcmh0)
|
accidentally ordered a 4,400$ german chair even though i didn't fill out my credit card info and only put in my address. followed by a pleading email to the company to not send me a chair.
|
ordering a chair from germany
|
Title:ordering a chair from germany
TLDR:
|
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] |
my father needed a new phone because he lived in another country and moved back here with us around a week ago. i gave him my old phone which unfortunately still was in a whatsapp group i use for my closest friends.
well... on thursday i went out partying and got too drunk in a club. this asian chick was always around and gave me the looks so i manned up and started dancing with her. she gave me obvious signs like rubbing her ass on my dick while dancing and dirty talked me too.
i wasnt sure if fucking her would be a good idea so i recorded myself on a video while i was in the bathroom asking if i should fuck her and saying all kinds of stupid and embarrasing shit even for my close friends to see.
next morning when i went home everything was normal as if nothing had happened. however after a while my father told me to go to the living room and i saw my mom and dad sitting down with the cellphone i lent him on the table, they told me to sit down and played the video. it has to be the most embarrasing moment i have ever gone through by far, 1 minute of me drunk asking for opinions on whether i should fuck the asian amongst other stupid shit.
to make things worst they saw pictures of my friends smoking weed and pics of their marijuana plants and making comments about whether or not they were gonna try mdma on an upcoming concert.
they now think im a junkie that fucks asians on my free time.
|
gave my father my old phone and now i cant look at him in the eyes.
|
giving my father my old phone
|
Title:giving my father my old phone
TLDR:
|
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] |
so my best friend and i were sitting on a bench on our school hall, right after lunch, waiting for classes to start. as the lunch period was coming to a close, people were congregating in the hall, taking up remaining seats to send their final snapchats or to study. to be courteous, i began to move my shit, and realized i still had my drink (the kinds they give out at fast food restaurants) and looked at my friend, "watch this." i am a naturally impulsive person, and i decided to chuck the cup at a waste bin across the hall without much thought. ice and sprite. fucking everywhere, as the lid had come off mid flight. not only did i splash a few people, but some guy picked up an ice cube and dropped it down a girl's shirt, causing her to spill her coffee. even worse, our school janitor was 3 feet from us, pushing her cart back to the closet because her shift was done. oh, the look on her face when she turned around. my friend started laughing his ass off as he went to help me clean up, but i was just sitting in the puddle pathetically.
edit: grammar.
|
my impulsive brain wanted to show off to my best friend and i inadvertently made 2 spills and extended our janitor's shift.
|
disposing a drink cup
|
Title:disposing a drink cup
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i went grocery shopping yesterday and got home around 8:30pm and decided once all my shit was put up i would make a quick personal pizza. i turned on my toaster oven and put the pizza in. i want to my living room and sat down to watch some youtube and then i woke up to my house filled with smoke and the smell of pizza and looked at my phone...... 12:26am. i ran to my kitchen to find my oven following smoke and i quickly unplugged it and opened my windows and doors. once cooled down i opened the oven to find my tasty combo pizza had turned into charcoal. http://imgur.com/4tffgjp
|
left pizza in 450 degree oven for 3 hours.
|
i put the pizza in at 9pm, sat down and woke up at 12am.
|
Title:i put the pizza in at 9pm, sat down and woke up at 12am.
TLDR:
|
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] |
it's been 2 years now since i had my right leg amputated above the knee. the struggle to regain my previous level of function has been long and hard. walking is truly a blessing.
i met my girlfriend while i was in the hospital. she is the prettiest and most caring nurse in the physical rehabilitation ward and, to my knowledge, the world. she also had a dark and hidden "freaky" side.
this freaky side manifested itself when we began our sexual relationship. it 's awesome.
it culminated yesterday when we were getting into the nasty. out of nowhere she roars at me in a demonic satanic influenced voice, "use your fucking stump!!!!"
"my stump?!?!" i asked incredulously.
she replied in the sweetest angelic voice, "yes".
at this point i was unnerved by the dichotomy of angels and demons fighting for her soul so i obliged.
i lubed the shit out of my stump and started pushing in. she was irritated by my slow pace and pushed me onto my back. she got on top and as she was pushing down on my empire state building of a stump she let out a blood curdling scream. she immediately said we need to go to the hospital. thankfully, i live right next to the hospital. my school is right next to it. i teach english in korea.
i am now sitting in the emergency room of the hospital. she just went inside to get stitches for 3rd degree tears like she gave birth but in rewind.
|
used my stump, gf is getting stitches.
|
using my stump.
|
Title:using my stump.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this literally happened today. forgive my calmness, but it will all make sense.
a bit of background - my cousin and i were fairly close. we're not from the country we're currently in, and so that already forced us to stick together quite a bit. he immigrated before me, and while he's kind of goofy, it was nice that i could stay with him once i came here.
please understand that we were never really destined for a normal life, even once we got here. we were pretty involved in the serbian conflict back when that was going on, and without mentioning details, it really fucked us up a lot. so when we moved to an urban area here, we got involved in some slightly shady stuff.
there was this guy - really an asshole, but i didn't know it at first. we worked for him for awhile - or, technically, for his boss. but then his boss got killed - which i may have been slightly responsible for. anyway, so the asshole turns on us.
we decided to lay low for awhile, but eventually the asshole caught up to us. and kidnapped my cousin. yep, you heard that right. so i found out from my cousin's girlfriend that the asshole or a friend of the asshole or something has my cousin locked up in a warehouse.
this is where things get interesting. wearing full body armor and carrying my favorite machine gun, i shot up the warehouse and killed basically everyone in it. once i got to the top floor, this guy is holding my cousin by the neck with a gun at his head. in less than two seconds, i switched out my machine gun for a sniper rifle and shot the guy holding my cousin. so at this point my cousin was still fine.
just when i think i'm out of there and safe, i hear more gunshots. so i know there must be another enemy nearby. i'm low on health so i act quickly. i aim and scan around quickly for the other person. i have already switched to my machine gun, so when i see someone i unleash bullets into...
...
...my cousin. i accidentally killed my cousin. fuck.
|
i have to restart the mission in gtaiv
|
accidentally killing my cousin.
|
Title:accidentally killing my cousin.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so my wife and i are driving home, and escape (pina colada song) pumps through the radio. at the moment refers to his wife as "old lady" during the song, she looks over at me and lovingly tells me that if i ever refer to her as old lady i will receive a swift chop to the throat. i laugh it off and tell her i can, cause once she is old she won't be quick enough to. she laughs, saying that's ok because i'll have an old man penis and she can laugh at how wrinkly it is. we sit quiet for a second, and she asks to see my phone. she forgot hers at home, so i oblige and let her have it. this is where i fucked up.
she is on it for a bit, doing god knows what, then hands it back to me. we get home and blah blah blah i'm going out with the guys from work later. i drop her off and head back into town to meet the guys at a bar for drinks.
we had a good time, until one of the guys asked if he could check out my phone (i just got a samsung g5 and he was wanting to see how it was compared to his iphone.) he turns it on and immediately exclaims "what the fuck dude?!? this is fucking wrong!!!" apparently he is against android phones, so i take it back. i look at the screen, and right on the open screen, on google images, is a penis. not just a penis, but one that is absolutely fucking riddled with chlamydia. he looks at me and goes "dude if you have to google it just see a fucking doctor!"
turns out my wife, thinking it would be hilarious, left a picture of an infected penis for me when i opened my phone (after asking her, she tried to google what an old man penis looked like, found a chlamydia pic, searched for that, and left the fucker for me to open). unfortunately, my co worker opened it before i did, and now they all think i have chlamydia.
in case you were wondering, [here is the pic](http://health4hombres.weebly.com/uploads/7/7/4/5/7745554/454809093_orig.jpg?125)
|
listened to "escape" and now the guys at work think i have chlamydia
|
letting my wife use my phone
|
Title:letting my wife use my phone
TLDR:
|
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] |
for a little backstory:
im a freshman in college. it's my first time having a roommate. we get along pretty alright, she is in no ways a horrible roommate. she watches netflix a lot and is normally in the room so i don't get very much me time though, which is kinda bothersome bit totally something i can handle. also, she's cheating on her boyfriend which i frown upon.
today in one of my classes i get put in groups because apparently that's still a thing. i don't talk to many people in this class because by the time it normally rolls around im ready for a nap. so i get put in a group with these two other girls and i'm obviously trying to relate to them and keep a conversation going. one of the girls, let's call her b, asks how everyone likes their roommate and mentions how she finds hers annoying.
since she's opening up about her roommate transgressions, i decide i can too. so i tell them i think my roommate is kinda shitty and how i think she's not a very good person and also about how she doesn't like me and refuses to go anywhere with me even if we are going to the same place. which i thought was totally fine, bonding with this b girl and this other girl named n (who was, in retrospect, a little on the quiet side throughout my mini rant about my roommate).
so the class ends and i leave to go take a lovely 4 hour nap, and i wake up and ask my roommate how her weekend was and what went on because i went home for the weekend to see my boyfriend and family.
then she starts telling me about how fun it is and how her friend n is super funny when drunk and how they are super close and how all her friends want to meet me. she also mentioned how n knew i was in her english class because when she came to our dorm this weekend she saw a book that we had to read.
n has a very unusual name, like i have never heard it ever before so it's not like it could be a different person.
i basically told my roommates best friend that i think she sucks and i'm cringing super hardcore and i'm a major asshole and i don't think there is any way i can fix this.
guess i just have to drop out of college now or something, right?
|
talked about how my roommate is a shitty person to some girls in class trying to bond with them. one of the girls is my roommates best friend.
|
shit talking my roommate to her best friend
|
Title:shit talking my roommate to her best friend
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, on saturday i was at a music fest with some friends and made acquaintance with this really cute girl. but, as the concert started and ended i lost sight of her and never actually got her name. the thing is we got as long really well and although i think she may have had a boyfriend she just seemed like somebody i would have liked to keep in touch with.
|
hit it off with girl, lost track of her at concert.
|
missing a connection with a really cool girl.
|
Title:missing a connection with a really cool girl.
TLDR:
|
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] |
ok so it wasn't today but several years ago. i was a police officer for about 12 years until i fucked my back up so bad that i had to leave. during this time, i did some stupid shit like this www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3mlr63/tifu_by_sexually_assaulting_a_little_old_man/
this particular story happened after i went to a report of a suicidal lady. she was a 'regular' and a real pain in the arse as she was always calling up threatening to kill herself. i went alone as i was the nearest and only available officer. as i arrived, the lights were on so i knocked but no answer. it was a real warm summers evening so i'd taken my stab vest off and left most of my equipment (except asp/truncheon) in the car. i went round the back and saw the patio door open so sent through and checked the house but she was not there. it was empty. rather than leave the patio door open, i thought i'd lock it from inside to avoid being later accused of leaving it insecure (cops get sued for daft shit in the uk) after locking it, i let myself out the front door which locked as i shut it. as i turned, i didn't take much notice of the double glazed porch until i tried to open the door. it was locked. i then panicked as i knew the inside door had just shut and locked. i was stuck between the doors. i could see inside the main door on a shelf to the side was a set of keys. i tried to squeeze my arm with extended asp/truncheon through the letterbox but it was too straight to really help. i was now getting very hot and was sweating. i took my shirt off. i wanted to call up and ask for assistance but was too embarrassed so went to use my mobile phone. i couldn't as it was in a pocket on my load vest attached to my stab jacket which was in the car. i managed to find a piece of old fence panel in the porch amongst a pile of rubbish and bend it without snapping it to try and hook the keys down. i tried this for about an hour. it didn't work.
by this point i was boiling. i called up and asked for a colleague to join me which at first i was told it would be a while as there was a serious incident occurring (firearms incident i think) so the control room staff weren't really that interested in my update as they presumed i was still dealing with my incident. eventually they sent a guy who was a mate who was laughing his bollocks off and was taking the piss out of me. i was now speaking to him through the letterbox as it was so humid i couldn't breathe. the porch was pretty well sealed and it was turning into a porch sauna (if thats a thing haha) because i was fairly new at the time, i had considered kicking her door in to escape back through the house but was worried i'd get in the shit. after some more poking about with the wood, i managed to hook the keys and they fell to the carpet. it then took me about 45 minutes to retrieve them back through the letterbox after dropping them several times. i put the keys in the door and none of them fit. i then tried the porch door. nope, didn't work there either. so...... in sheer frustration, i booted the fuck out of her internal door (ooooer) smashing it quite impressively, walked through the house, leaving her patio door open and not giving a fuck. arriving back at the station, my boss actually also ripped on me for being a thick shite and it was all squared away. and the lady was later very apologetic for having put me through a 'terrible ordeal' as she put it. she later also stopped being a pain in the ass and sorted her shit out.
|
got trapped in between two doors. spent a long time there, short of oxygen and then smashed my way out/in.
|
locking myself in a strangers house
|
Title:locking myself in a strangers house
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i'm in high school and after school i decide to go to smoothie king and get a smoothie. i get a small strawberry something and it's pretty good. so good in fact that i'm drinking it in one hand while i drive at times.
here's where i fucked up.
a car pulled out in front of me while i was taking a drink of my smoothie. i went to honk my horn with my smoothie in hand and **ended up cracking the styrofoam cup releasing the strawberry goodness all onto my lap.** needless to say, it wasn't that good anymore.
|
asshole ruined my smoothie.
|
honking my car horn
|
Title:honking my car horn
TLDR:
|
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] |
this particular incident did not happen today. i was away at college and really struggling in my classes. not because the material was difficult but mostly due to my own social agenda. it got to a point where my financial aid was about to be cut off because my grades were falling. i started to get more serious when stakes were high. doing homework, going to class and studying; the things you need to do well.
i started to turn a corner in my biology class and an upcoming test was the make or break point. i really prepared myself for this one. the night before the test i stayed in and reviewed all my notes. the test was scheduled for our normal 8am class time. that day i woke up at 9:30 with some serious pillow lines...
this is where the fuck up begins. frantically i decided that my best play was to fake sick. simple enough, just go to nurse, turn on the old liz lemon charm and i would be in the clear. at the nurse, things are going well. im reading off a laundry list of symptoms, nurse is confirming that "there's a bug going around", she takes a bunch of tests, confidence is through the roof. that's when she asks "is there any blood in your stool"? so im like, "definitely is" she says oh were going to have to take a closer look into that. i tried to quickly back pedal but had gone too far. she goes out of the room and comes back in then hands me a blue apron and tells me to put it on. she whips out this tampon shaped plastic probe and proceeds to tell me that she needs to stick that thing in my ass to take a closer look. at this point i knew it was happening and there was nothing i could do. i could have ran out of there but im the type that fully commits to a lie. "kneel down on this chair" she says. i do that and she inverts the chair so my head is down and my ass is up, legs dangling. she says, "your going to feel a little pressure". well, the blood rushing to my head the pressure from the plastic tampon led to me passing out. while i was coming to, with the help of smelling salts, i proceeded to piss all over the chair and myself. from that point i was a little dazed and super embarrassed. they told me to come back in a week for the test results.
i got the excuse which my teacher accepted and we rescheduled the test. i failed that test and the class. good news was all of my medical tests came back clear!
|
faked sick to get out of a test, ass violated by nurse(not in good way) passed out and pissed myself. failed makeup test.
|
faking sick to get out of missing a test
|
Title:faking sick to get out of missing a test
TLDR:
|
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i'm a college freshman and i've only been here for about a month. i have also become way too comfortable smoking pot in my dorm in that short amount of time. i always blow it out my window with the fan facing the window, but yesterday i was feeling exceptionally lazy. i didn't really care much about the smell since the ra on my side of the floor is pretty lenient and mostly everyone on my floor was at class. i also have a single which is very convenient. anyways, i started smoking a bowl in my bed and then started watching a movie. i got the munchies so i obviously had to go make some food. i had a microwave in my room, which i'm not allowed to have, and i started microwaving popcorn. while, i was waiting for the popcorn, i resumed my movie. this was my mistake. turns out, i put an extra 0 on the microwave so it would cook for 30 minutes instead of 3. i completely forgot about the popcorn when i put my headphones back in to watch my movie. about 10 minutes later i hear the fire alarm go off. at the moment, i was very high and that was when i first realized it smelled very strongly of burnt popcorn. i calmly turn off the microwave which was basically on fire from the inside and just sit in my room. i was so high that i forgot i had to evacuate when there is a fire alarm going off. i sat in my room waiting for everything to subdue and for the firemen to realize there is no fire. however, i also didn't realize they know which smoke detector set off the alarm and they have to go check it out, so i'm sitting in my room and i hear keys jingling under the noise of alarm and its getting louder and louder. all of a sudden, my door bursts open and its 2 firemen. i was just sitting awkwardly sitting on my floor and the first thing i said when they walked in was "oh no". how could i be so high and stupid? first, i'm in trouble for having a microwave in my room, then another fine for my room reeking of marijuana, and i'm still waiting for what kind of trouble i'm going to get in for not evacuating.
|
i set off the fire alarm in my dorm by burning popcorn in a microwave i wasn't supposed to have and also got in trouble for weed and not evacuating
|
setting off the fire alarm in my dorm
|
Title:setting off the fire alarm in my dorm
TLDR:
|
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first post don't shit on me too hard mandatory didn't happen today, happened in like 4th grade it all started the summer before 4th grade when i was hanging out with my much older cousin. i was walking around with a hoodie when she started laughing and said "you look like a n---er." being an innocent 3rd grade graduate, not familiar with racial slurs, i asked, "what does that mean?" to the simple response "a black person." fast forward 6 months to the slavery unit in 4th grade. the teacher was, for some weird reason, talking about different names white people called slaves and black people. random kids started listing off words they heard from westerns or whatever, but nobody said that certain word. the asskisser i was, i raised my hand and shouted, "what about n---er?" the teacher froze for a minute and simply said "yes, but that's not a nice word." i didn't get it until like 4 years later when it hit me.
she actually handled it quite well but she probably hated me for the rest of the year
|
white people can't wear hoodies
|
listening to my racist cousin
|
Title:listening to my racist cousin
TLDR:
|
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] |
ok so 1st off this was actually 2 weeks ago but ive been too stupid to post so we can pretend it was today ;-;
anyway, so i am in highschool and its a charterschool, im a senior so i only have 2 classes because ive met most of my requirements already (i only have a 1st and 2nd period so i get out of school at 11). my first class is weight training, and since i go to a charter school we have 90 minute classes. so i work out about 80 minutes every morning. the schedule goes as follows,
monday- sports (mondays are short days)
tuesday- bench and arms
wedensday- squats and legs
thursday- mix of legs and arms
friday- swim or squat day
squat day are the worst because i skate home every single day and its about a 35-40 minute skate home, with hills included. if you skate you can already imagine how annoying it would be to get sore legs and have to skate home with the sore legs for about 35 minutes, it sucks ass. anyway ive been in school for about 2 months now and the first month and a half is terrible because i have never done weighted squats or jumps or hurdles or anything to work out my legs before so they got more and more sore as the week went on. on top of this 2 weeks prior to the incident my right toe started getting an ingrown toenail, pretty gross and very very painful.
back to real time, its about the 7th week of school on a thursday, so its leg day again, my legs were already killing me so after squats i opt'ed out of jumps. 90 minutes later i start my skate home and after the first hill im tempted to call my mom and ask her to leave work for 10 minutes to drive me home, but i refrained from that because it would upset her very much so i tread on.... for like 5 minutes. now this hill is downhill and a very big hill, i rock a little cruiser board so its not perfect on hills and i need to slow myself a decent amount. i start down and carve a little as to make the trip faster and then slow myself, my injured leg made me hold back more and i felt a sharp pain that made me relax my slowing foot back onto my skateboard, making me go into my turn very quickly, at the very moment im making my turn, a car going the opposite way comes from nowhere, speeding like a maniac. at this point im on the sidewalk but he made such a sharp turn he had 1/2 his car on the sidewalk and that was enough to bump my board and send me flying. i slammed into a uphill garage and rolled before hitting a wall. the man drove off almost running my skateboard over and before i could get up he was almost all the way up the huge hill still speeding. i walked over and grabbed my board before taking 2 steps and realizing my pain. i dropped my board and fell to my knees feeling pain all over. my ingrown toenail got smashed farther in causing blood to come out there like crazy as well as scraping my knee. i had slightly hit my head so i was a bit dizy, but i saw my injured right and left knee, my right hand where i tried to catch myself, right elbow, left elbow, left shoulder, back, inner thigh, all injured. then i called my mom and got her to drive me home (which she didnt enjoy due to the overwhelming smell of blood). i got the next 2 days off because of the pain i was in and i was lucky nothing was broken.
heres some pics of a couple areas i got hurt, but not all of them: http://imgur.com/pkaf02h
also you cant really tell there but my right hand had a decent little chunk taken out.
|
got sore because im lazy, skated home, hurt leg messed me up, went too fast, had a date with a car, got fucked up
|
skating home with a already injured leg.
|
Title:skating home with a already injured leg.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so unlike most tifu this happened few minutes ago. today i was suppose to meet this epic woman for the first time. i being a person with high anexity tend to not think straight sometimes. i get to the meeting place and i have my stomach caught in my throat. i see her and i decided to get a drink and some food to calm my nerves. that and it was about to get busy. big mistake. i wait for my food and when i get it i no longer see her.
so yeah i lost my chances with her.
|
i order food and miss out on a possible relationship.
|
ordering my food.
|
Title:ordering my food.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so my dad left a few days ago for a work trip and left me and my siblings home alone. me an my girl friends, all of us 19 years old decided to get stoned, i mean why not it was the perfect opportunity, we had the house to ourselves because both my brothers were out somewhere.
so we smoked in the back yard but had no lighter so we got some candles in the kitchen and light them up to take them outside. we were smoking but it was taking a long time for it to hit us so basically long story short each of us smoked a joint.
anyways we began to laugh like crazy and went to the kitchen because we got the munchies, we literally trashed my entire kitchen, we ate everything that was in the pantry and we talked about hookups, fwb, getting high, one of my friends kept taking her clothes of etc.
suddenly of my friends opened a shelve and began laughing, she turned to me and asked me why there was a camera on top of that shelve she said it was just weird, i laughed and said why would i know and a minute later it sunk in; there's only one camera in my house and it's in the kitchen.. which has a transmission to my dad's phone. and it's also where we decided to get shitface high; so my dad not only saw us smoking weed but he now knows every story about who we've slept with, what we did back in high school, who our fwb are, he saw one of my friends almost naked and he knows that we smoke weed on a regular basis..
yeah my luck
he's a pretty conservative dad so i guess i'm fucked
|
we got shitface high in my kitchen and my dad had a camera right there so he knows everything he shouldn't about me and my friends.
|
while my dad was out of town
|
Title:while my dad was out of town
TLDR:
|
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] |
i was in my robotics class and we were learning about electricity. our teacher was talking about voltage and then electromotive force, so i was wondering if voltage is basically a measure of electromotive force. rather than the teacher answering it, he's making us google *scholar* search it at home. scholar is peer-reviewed journals, which can be sometimes confusing
|
gave my class extra hw by asking a question
|
asking a question
|
Title:asking a question
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this actually did happen today, and i am super embarrassed.
i was driving a friend home, we'll call her holly, from another friends house. thinking i was being smart, i decided to take a short-cut down a side street to avoid some traffic. the thing about the streets in my city is that they're all pretty narrow, and for some reason people love to park on the right side of the road. this isn't technically illegal, but it makes navigating the streets a bitch sometimes. even more so when there are other cars driving on the road.
so i'm driving up this street and there is a taxi cab (it's a van) just stopped in the middle of the road. "what's this guy doing" i say to holly, frustrated that this douche is just blocking the street. i think to myself that he must be waiting for someone in the apartment building he's stopped in front of. so i wait. and i wait some more. and after what felt like 10 minutes (it was probably more like 2 minutes) another car pulls up behind me. i'm starting to get really frustrated and i say "fuck this guy" and honk my horn. now it wasn't a super aggressive elongated "fuck you" honk. just a little "beep" to get this asshole moving.
i kid you not, immediately after i honk my horn the side door of the van opens and this guy gets out, holds out his hand, and helps a woman with a cane slowly step down from the van's door. the two people getting out of the van give me the dirtiest look ever and start walking towards the building. as the van pulls away all i can do is watch in horror as i gawk at the disabled person i just honked at like an idiot. turns out i'm the douche.
holly just looks at me and says "man, you fucked up".
|
honked at a taxi because i was being impatient. turns out taxi was waiting for disabled person to get out.
|
honking at a disabled person in the street.
|
Title:honking at a disabled person in the street.
TLDR:
|
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] |
as with most tifu's this happened 5 years ago.
i was a typical immature year 7 student (6th grade in america i think?) and i was sitting through the typical boring english lesson, boring teacher, boring class and a boring topic. i was just sitting there and i felt the urge to sneeze coming on. i just think "hold you nose like normal and let it out" and i do exactly that.
this sneeze wasn't a normal sneeze however, it was the one sneeze (i know annoying lotr reference, shut up and keep reading) and it pushed past my fingers clenching my nostrils closed and exploded out in one, long, gloop that just kinda hangs there from my nostril.
now rather than immediately leave the classroom and find a toilet i decide to cup my hand and kinda... catch it? i then make it worse by trying to, uh, suck it back up. at this point that stupid bitch ellie looks over and loudly goes 'ewww!' and the entire class looked over at me and made faces of disgust before laughing at me. the teacher looked on and told me to leave and find a tissue, i did exactly that and didn't come back because i couldn't stand the embarrassment.
even years later my friends keep reminding me of this.
|
i sneezed the one boogie to rule them all.
|
sneezing in class
|
Title:sneezing in class
TLDR:
|
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] |
i'm literally posting this at work after the fact. so today earlier in the day a son and mom came into our technology support office at the university. they were having a hdd issue on a laptop and as per our policy if it's hardware related we cannot handle the request. unfortunately they weren't too happy about that even though we tried to explain how we couldn't help. short of it they left in an uproar saying they would go to the bookstore to try and get help while all of us and the other customers in the room were taken aback by the commotion and talked about it once they had left.
skip forward an hour or so and this guy comes in and asks for help with a laptop. this comes as no surprise as this is normal for us. he signs in and someone starts looking at his laptop. he asks for an iphone charger and i have one, so i lend it to them. this is when i fucked up. i saw that there was a guy from the bookstore who was in the room. this should have been the first sign that i should not have done what i was about to do.
basically i tried to strike up conversation about whether or not an "angry mom and son" came into the bookstore to try and get computer support. that's when the man looked at me and said basically that he was that son's father and the woman his wife and that i should mind my own business. that's when my gut dropped and my sphincter tightened up at lightning speed.
there was some slightly heated conversation after that as i had offended this guy and as i tried to stay respectful and explain what had happened earlier when his son and wife came in. he told me i didn't understand their situation with their son being autistic and that i should mind my own business. i replied with a succinct, "okay". after a little while or so we still could not fix his problem unfortunately. (we legitimately couldn't.) he left with no further incident.
so yeah tifu.
|
called a dude's wife and son "some angry woman and her son" right in front of him without realizing
|
trying to strike up conversation with a fellow student worker.
|
Title:trying to strike up conversation with a fellow student worker.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this tifu happened this morning and i just realized it now at work.. i usually get up pretty early for work and am real groggy, but apparently even more so today. i did my normal morning routine, i thought, just fine, no problems.
now i'm about halfway through the day and i start smelling something. my boss walks behind me quite a bit during the day (not that he stinks) but i figured it couldn't be me. more time passes and i realize the smell is stronger, and my boss has been over at his desk for a while. i do a quick finger swipe to each armpit to make sure i have deoderant on.
i swipe the left one, smell, all is good. i swipe the right one, and it smells like b.o. turns out i only put deoderant in one armpit this morning..
|
thought i did my morning routine, didn't check my pits before i left for work.
|
not putting on deoderant correctly
|
Title:not putting on deoderant correctly
TLDR:
|
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] |
long have i lurked this subreddit laughing at those less fortunate than me to have "fucked up" but today *technically last friday* i have become one of those fools. it all happened on friday, but the preamble happened on thursday. thursday night nature called but i didn't pickup the phone too lazy to get out of bed, oh do i regret not picking up that phone call.
friday i woke up late for school, really really late for school. i had long missed the bus however there was still a chance to make it on time. i got ready at light speed and ran out the door to my father's car. all day at school i was struggling to keep the most monstrous fart my body has ever created in check (the bathrooms at the school were being fixed/cleaned today). before i continue, let me say me and my friend have a running joke where we steal whatever is in the side pocket of our backpacks. sadly that day that's where i kept my key because i didn't have enough time to put it in my backpack. it gets worse though, my mother and my two sisters are at college till 9:00 (all students) and my father is in illinois for the weekend, i think you can see where this is going.
i get home at about 3:00 get to my door and.... no keys... and then... it hit me like a brick.... he... he stole them... i check my phone dead, chromebook dead. i didn't charge anything the night before. as i sat there hating life, the monster re-emerged in full force... there was no stopping it this time i look around, nobody should have been in hearing distance...... should of... so then i let the monster free, it was like thunder had just emerged from my anus. all the people that shouldn't have heard.... heard.... but that instant i realized that monster had a friend... who was also unstoppable.... i quickly thought to myself mcdonalds... it's the only place close enough. i run faster than i have ever ran, but the longer i ran the more it slowed into a limp. i got there just in the nick of time however an employee stopped me. she was short probably 4,11 blond maybe a 7/10 and she said " bathrooms for paying customers only." fuck i thought to myself, opened my wallet to find i spent the last bit of my pocket money on a soda from the school vending machine. and a burrito. no time to think, i ran out (probably more like a waddle) and ran to the only place i knew, a nearby trail, part of a certain national park. what i didn't expect was the large amount of people on the trail at the given time. i waddled outside of sight under a overhanging wooden balcony to do my business. the area i was in had a large downward slope and hard to walk on this will become important later. i dropped my pants and did the duty, little did i know some asshole child saw me. i let it all rip, however this asshole child decided he would throw a rock at me. i lost my balance and fell down this massive slope while still shitting unable to stop, i didn't yell out. i hit the bottom of the slope and landed in water. my clothes were wet and covered with dirt and probably my own shit, i was a bit scratched but nothing too bad so i put my pants back on and walked out of the water. i probably looked like a new undiscovered ancestor species to our human race. i just walked back up onto the trail and walked home. i got many dirty looks from runners, tourists, and walkers on the trail. i got back home and hid in the backyard, i walked up to the back door (as it was the least visible from the outside area) and waited for at least an hour. i wondered if the back door was open and thus i tried, it was..... i took a long shower and pondered suicide during it. the moral of the story is nature is a bitch.
|
always check the back door if you forget your keys.
|
being lazy
|
Title:being lazy
TLDR:
|
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] |
most front page tifu i see involve sex. /r/circlejerk makes allusions to this with "tifu by putting my penis into my girlfriend's vagina"
more and more i see tifu which just seem to be people either wanting to say they've had sex, or making completely fake stories with plot holes in their own stories.
i get the weekend rule, which is fantastic, but what happened to this subreddit? before i had this account it was my first subreddit to browse, and now it just seems to be kids acting like my example below.
but since this is tifu, i must provide a tifu:
ex.
tifu by being so *fucking* better than you. i also had sex. with a girl. in her vagina. the upper one. she came. then her sister heard us having sex and insisted she join because im so good. then my already 12 inch penis grew 4 more inches, before i became president of the world.
|
im better than you.
|
so many "tifu" are becoming humblebrags now. the nsfw tag is becoming equivalent to clickbait.
|
Title:so many "tifu" are becoming humblebrags now. the nsfw tag is becoming equivalent to clickbait.
TLDR:
|
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] |
on sunday, (this happened at a weekend admins let me off for raising this on a monday please!) i spent the day fishing at sea with family. on the way home i carried a whiff of fish on my old fishing clothes and needed to stop off for some bits and bobs from the corner shop.
i popped in and immediately picked up a slight waft of toilet in the air, but given my fish aroma i got on with the task in hand. pizza, scourers, milk, pepperoni, checkout.
as i approach the checkout there is a man being served and the smell becomes a little more pungent. the man being served looked kind of hobbitish, and appeared to be a bit slow. the lady serving was explaining things nice and clearly to him and all was going well. the next bit happened in slow motion.
i'm next in the queue. a man is approaching me down the aisle.
checkout man reveals his identity as the source of the diaroma as he holds out his palm for his change, makes eye contact with the server and unashamedly opens the bum-bay doors.
the wettest, deepest, and to be frank, most impressive wind i've ever heard resonated deep within his buttocks. such was the force that he dropped his change on the floor.
he bent down.
i sidestepped.
the next customer, unaware of proceedings as he had entered the eye of the poostorm arrived and i politely offered that he go first.
he smiled, and my charity was clearly contagious as he saw "he who dealt it" scrabbling for his change and decided to help him.
he bent down to help, directly into arse-ageddon. he convulsed, eyes bulging and immediately turning red. he gave me a look that would kill if he wasn't already intoxicated by turd gas, and promptly vomited on the floor.
this was closely followed by me hurling at the sight of his baseless pizza puddle and the flatulent customer rounded the fish, vomit and guff circus off with a startled parp as he rushed out the door.
there then followed many apologies, some slipping on vomit and a shop keeper with a lot of dettol and a mop.
it has been 24 hours, i've scrubbed every part of me. i can still smell that stench on me. i'm going to drink these memories away.
|
i ushered an innocent man into satans bottom. we all threw up.
|
being a polite in a queue
|
Title:being a polite in a queue
TLDR:
|
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] |
six hours before our christmas party, my grandma comes home from a last-minute shopping run. she knows i'm not feeling well, so she picks me up a bag of halls.
i then proceeded to eat 3/4 of said bag in the span of about four hours.
cue aspartame od. if you aren't familiar, picture the worst stomach flu you've ever had. i literally have never been more dehydrated in my life. i couldn't keep anything down... i basically moved into the bathroom.
and then i had to suffer through a dinner party with my grandma's friends, (all of whom i love dearly) while pretending that i wasn't dying.
|
aspartame is evil.
|
od-ing on cough drops
|
Title:od-ing on cough drops
TLDR:
|
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] |
it was last night, we were making rice crispy treats. as most of you probably know, the first step to making rice crispy treats is to put butter and marshmallows in a pan, and get that stuff reeeaalllyyyy hot so it melts.
so anyway, we're past that step, the marshmallow goo is still on the stove, bubbling, ready to go, and we've got the bowl full of rice crispies anxiously waiting to get that hot white stuff poured all over it. once poured, the big spoon we had wasn't doing very well to mix it all together. my girlfriend then says to me, "hey aren't you supposed to use your hands to knead it all together?" and at first i was like "no babe, we just gotta get all up in there with the spoon, that's nasty" but 15 seconds later i'm still getting nowhere so i told her "you know what? just shove your whole hand right in there".
well, i seemed to have forgotten that the hot white goo was still pretty fresh off the stove. but she went for it. she shoved her hand in there, she shoved it deep. then she says "wait it's kinda hot". then she pulls her hand out, still covered in that hot goo and rice crispies, and if you've ever been burned before, you know it takes a second for the full pain to get to you, but because that stuff is so sticky its *stuck* to her hand and she's screaming "get it off me get it off me" i can't even imagine the pain she felt. she ran to the sink and got it all washed off, but it was pretty bad. i feel really bad now, because i'm the one that told her to shove her whole hand in there.
but hey, the rice crispy treats were great.
|
told my girlfriend to shove her whole hand in, she did. she hurt her hand but, the product was delicious!
|
telling my gf, "just stick your whole hand in there"
|
Title:telling my gf, "just stick your whole hand in there"
TLDR:
|
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this happened yesterday and now that i look back on it, i find it more funny than embarrassing.(posted this late so i felt like it got buried)
so yesterday i attended the ms. latina pageant for a friend of mine. it started at 3 so like any decent person i showed up at around 2:30. a few friends of mine was also attending to show support and i found them easily. we sat to the right of the stage a few rows back so we had okay view of the contestants. in this group was only about 7 to begin with but i was told more people was showing up, so 2 seats next to me were empty for them. we are all freshman through junior year in highschool. later on, an old guy shows up and asks if the seats are taken and me being awkward as fuck just stuttered for a second and said no. he sits down folds his legs and opens a pamphlet, relevant later i guess.
the fuck up ensues as the pageant beings. like i said me and my group sat a few rows back from the stage so there were people in front of us obviously. one group in particular was a group of 4 fine ass hispanic chicks. midway through the show my friend who we'll call leah, taps me and says "hey those girls up there are checking you out," pointing to the group of hot girls. oddly enough the group of girls is looking in our direction, giggling, and then turning their attention back to the show. i don't take myself as that much of a good looking guy but whatever.
the show goes on until we hit an intermission for 10 mins so everyone is moving around for pictures and drinks. one of the fine ass chicas i was talking about earlier comes over to where i am sitting and tries to start a conversation with me. she had the cutest face i have ever seen in my life, i mean gorgeous, i'm starstruck. she starts talking but is speaking in spanish, and this my friends is where i fuck up. i can't speak spanish to save my life, i'm failing that class to be honest. so, i politely say "umm i don't speak mexican" with the biggest fucking smile on my face until i had realized what i had said. i've never seen a girls face go from happy to pissed so damn fast. the only word i actually understood before she awkwardly stormed off was "bitch." leah goes into a laughing fit at my failure and i put my face in my hands.
the guy i mentioned earlier who sat next to me goes "so you don't speak mexican huh?" and starts laughing with leah. most embarrassing day of my life. other than that the show was great!
|
mistakingly told a hot chica that i didn't speak mexican and was laughed at by my friend and some random old mexican dude
|
going to a pageant
|
Title:going to a pageant
TLDR:
|
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] |
as lurking has taught me: mandatory "this actually just happened!"
this happened barely 10minutes ago and the shame is ever soo fresh..
soo here i was sitting on the bus listening to music and watching the peasents walking on the curb as i drove by, when i suddenly felt something tapping my shoe.
watching the lady infront of me bending down i naturally assumed she dropped something and bent down to help her pick it up.
what i saw was a cardboard coffee-cup with the plastic mouthcover toward me, spilling out the juices. i didnt want to touch her plastic thingy, but i wanted to help her, soo my brain, smart as it is started telling my foot to gently tap it towards her. again i didnt want to touch the plastic cause that would only make it moore dirty.
in an instant flurry off emotions and the "f***ing now or never!!" sensation deer get when they want to cross the road, my foot went for it!
i turned this presumably nice lady's cardboard cup into a missile and launched it through her feet, into the midway and 6-ish seets down the line. the lady sit's up straight, looks at me with the "dude, the f*ck.." kinda look, sighs and goes for her coffee. wich now is surrounded by a wall shaming eyes.
im sry presumably nice lady!!
edit: some spelling, not all of it cause who the hell cares
|
lady dropped her coffee, i kicked it, she got blamed for spilling coffee all along the midsection off the bus.
|
kicking a woman's coffee as she tried to get it on the bus
|
Title:kicking a woman's coffee as she tried to get it on the bus
TLDR:
|
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] |
so like most tifus, this happened a few years ago while in highschool. the saddest part is we were all completely sober when this occurred.
my friends and i were out one night and probably went to four different fast food places looking for random things to eat followed by slurpees at 7-11. on the way home somebody brought up ghost riding the whip. it was pretty late and we were alone on the main road in my neighborhood and my brain decides it would be a wonderful idea to give it a shot and to top it off, not tell anyone.
this is where the real fuck up begins. being in miami i'm pretty sure i own more pairs of flip flops than actual pairs of shoes so naturally, that's what i was wearing that night. so as i open the door that is when my friends realize what was about to go down.
i feel like all this happened in slow motion as i opened the door and put my leg out, going a speed i thought was acceptable and as soon as my foot hit the floor my flip flop rolled back, pulled me out of the car and into the middle of the street where i did a barrel roll and became very disoriented. by the time i got my flip flop back on, i look up and see my car rolling down the street with nobody in the drivers seat and i freak out and take off running after it.
now, at this point my teenage brain already has a plan, i'll just hop back into the car and take off like nothing even happened. i'm finally catching up to the car and i'm thinking "fuck yeah, this is going to look so badass" when i look into the car and see my friend hopping into the drivers seat and immediately slam on the brakes. it was at this point where i ran full speed into my open drivers door, flipped over the door and landed flat on my back with the wind knocked out of me.
i got up and we had a good laugh about it in the middle of the street and i realized during one of my contacts with the pavement i scraped myself pretty bad and was bleeding a lot but in the moment i could barely feel it. the real pain came when i went to shut my door and it was completely misaligned with the car and would not close. at that point i was pretty sure my parents would kill me. took it to a body shop the next morning and had the guy there at least pull it into place where the door would close and eventually got it fixed by a professional. told my parents i slipped in the rain while running back to my car while i went to walk my aunts dog because they were out of town. to this day my dad still doesn't buy that story and is convinced we were all drunk and something happened and i do not have the heart to tell him his son really is just that stupid.
|
i wore flip flops and decided those were the perfect shoes to step out of a moving vehicle in and caused hundreds of dollars in damage to my car.
|
attempting to ghost ride the whip with improper footwear
|
Title:attempting to ghost ride the whip with improper footwear
TLDR:
|
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] |
asked my friends to get me some of that nasty mcdemon.
ordered "salt without fries" instead of "fries without salt".
yup. http://imgur.com/yfjwpxw
|
seriously?
|
ordering salt without fries
|
Title:ordering salt without fries
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, i have a small jon boat that i don't use that often but i purchased years ago for fishing rivers and small waters. brought it up to a buddy's cabin to try on his river.
well, i'm a total wuss when it comes to driving a boat on a river so i was pretty nervous that i would wreck my prop, run a ground, flip it on a dead head, you know, your typical river disaster.
no, that would be too obvious. too easy. i don't roll that way.
well, i ran over three miles as the crow flies up the river (my buddy says probably eight river miles), really without much of a hitch. bumped a log or something in an area i slowed down in but that was it.
i was pretty pleased with how far i got so i stopped and figured i would fish my way back. i make my way to the front of the boat; i have a bow mount trolling motor on this rig. there was a little water in the boat from when i launched it and when moving forward, it ran up to the front of the boat with me.
well, i notice some green algae looking stuff in the water, i think to myself, that's weird, i don't remember seeing any algae in the boat at all before, maybe it was under the bench seats and the water washed it up...but no...hey...that's not algae, that's 2-cycle oil...oh crap!!!
i look in the back of the boat to see my quart of oil completely upside down with the cap off...son of a...i jump to grab it and too late, it is completely empty...oh no...this didn't really happen...this couldn't of happened?
of course i'm rocking the boat like a mad man splashing all of the oily water to and fro, back and forth, doing a great job of lubing up the entire thing. now slipping and sliding all over as i try to get everything off the bottom of the boat. my brand new fishing backpack tackle box. my boat tie downs, my life jacket, anchor rope, rods...in the process i'm sliding around trying to keep from doing the splits in my crocs (they are awfully slippery when lubed up). all the while, knocking things back into the slimy mess i created only to spread the oil all over.
it's hard to describe the horror that is when you recreate the wreck of the exxon valdez in your little aluminium jon boat but trust me, never again will i ever put a bottle of 2 cycle oil within 50 feet of that damn boat and if someone unwittingly walks by my boat with one, well, i feel really bad for that poor sob.
so, at this point any hope of wetting a line was gone and i had to try to figure out a way of cleaning this thing out in the water because launching the boat into the river was no easy task since we slid it in on 2x12s from the shortest mud bank we could find. i won't go into detail on that but it basically involved a few buckets of oil dry and a half a day of hell. thankfully i had plenty alcohol. and after all of that, it still took me several hours at home to get it into decent shape to put it away.
never again, please lord, never again!
|
dumped a quart of oil in the bottom of my jon boat, horror ensues.
|
finding a brand new way to make a boat unfishable
|
Title:finding a brand new way to make a boat unfishable
TLDR:
|
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] |
i love astronomy so naturally i was very excited to see the lunar eclipse last night. i work retail and usually have monday's off but today was inventory so i had to be to work at 4 am est. i also commute about an hour for work so i had to be up by about 2 am if i wanted to get breakfast and make it to work on time. i also worked yesterday. so this was my plan. i'd get out of work at 3:30pm get home at about 5, eat dinner, sleep till 10:30, see the eclipse, then go back to sleep till 2.
everything was working fine. i set all of my alarms and went to bed. at about five past ten my mom woke me up to see the eclipse. i told her it's okay and that i have an alarm set for a half hour from then. i rolled over and went back to sleep since i wanted to maximize my sleep and didn't feel like standing around for the full hour of the eclipse. also, i'm training a new employee so i couldn't afford to be half asleep at work.
at about quarter till 11 i wake up and jump out of bed. i run downstairs and since there's snow on the ground frantically look for my shoes. i find them, throw them on, and run outside to see something that could best be described as a religious experience. content at seeing something that won't happen again for 18 years i went back to sleep.
and then i woke up at 1am. i turned off my alarm in my sleep and my mom assumed i decided to skip it so she didn't wake me up. my dream was so vivid that i thought i actually saw the eclipse and had to ask her if i actually slept through it. and here's the fun part: i'm now at work and still half asleep.
|
space is my religion and i missed a visit from the pope.
|
getting a full night of sleep.
|
Title:getting a full night of sleep.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, like a lot of tifu's - this was a while back and by that i mean in 1996-1998 (i can't quite remember). my parents have just spent quite a large sum of money and waited for four years for our first house to be built. fast forward to three months or so after living in our house. my whole family went to the neighbour's house across the street for a party. i didn't want to go because i was playing with my friend, let's call him "chris", so chris and i at the age of 5ish were upstairs in my room colouring and drawing. my brother (7ish years old) came in the room and showed us a cool way to make art. which was basically melting the tip of the crayon with some matches he found in the kitchen downstairs and then splattering the crayons on an empty paper to make some sort of abstract wax art or whatever, i don't really know anymore, it was something like [this](http://www.trusper.com/tips/melted-crayon-splatter-art/9125088). when he left he told us not to do it, but chris convinced me and i agreed.
chris and i started with our first crayon to melt, him holding the crayon and i holding the match. little did i know that a match would burn the stick so quickly and because i got scared, i dropped the match. here is where the fu comes. it's important to note that the flooring of the rooms in the house are hardwood and polished with some sort of coating that basically catches on fire easily (and because the house was new, the coating was still very fresh). as soon as the match dropped, a fire started. chris and i tried to take it out by fanning a blanket around - didn't work, it probably made the fire worse. we grabbed water from the washroom - didn't work (we could barely carry the bucket). so in panic, and **stupidity**, we locked my room and went downstairs as if nothing happened.
under my room was my maid's room, she was inside talking with chris' maid. they felt some dripping coming from my room, so naturally they went to check it out. they tried to open the door and it was obviously locked, but somehow they figured out there was a fire in there (i don't really remember how, maybe heat? or peaked through the lock?). they had to find the key to my room, which was in a key ring with about 15 other keys for each room in the house. after finally finding the key, they entered with the fire engulfing half of my room. they grabbed buckets and buckets of water from the bathroom and was somehow able to get rid off the fire. they called my parents and the fire department, and once again, **stupid** me attempted to blame it on my brother.
the wood flooring had to be replaced in my room, but up to this date, we never got to varnishing it again. the mark is still there and i would love to show photos but i am in a different country right now. also, i never hung out with chris again.
|
tried to make art, burnt down my room instead
|
almost burning down my family's newly built house
|
Title:almost burning down my family's newly built house
TLDR:
|
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] |
warning: maybe too long for the amount of satisfaction that you might get.
this happened 3 hours ago. so here i am chilling in my condo when i felt hungry and didn't feel like preparing anything. my prepaid mobile internet also expired (shout out to you peeps in developing countries who use prepaid internet!) so i need to buy mobile load (or "credit" for you blokes and mates). i dressed up and walked out of my unit and noticed the lights on the halls were off. it didn't really bother me because it would often not be on. but then i noticed that the leds on the elevators were off. i didn't panic but was kinda bummed out that i couldn't leave the building. i thought fuck it better just use up this time and play video games. but then i realized the reason the elevator was out was because there has been a power outage. now i'm super bummed out. it wasn't apparent to me because they have turned off the elevator before for some sort of testing while still having electricity for the units.
so there i was stuck in my condo unit, alone, with no electricity, lazy and hungry. and then came the idea of using the fire exit accessible through a door right beside the elevator. i never actually used a fire exit before and this one looks very well built compared to the previous ones i saw, which were either steel platforms with ladders or very steep stairs. i actually thought of the consequences of using the elevator like if it's even legal since my situation isn't exactly an emergency. and another thing is that this elevator only has a "knob" on one side. so if you went through the door and closed it, you won't be able to open it unless someone’s on the other side with the knob opens it for you. another thing i thought of was the amount of steps i had to take to go all the way down. i'm on the 33rd (minus chinese unlucky numbers) floor for goodness sake. but fuck it, i really want some burger king right now. so i took a piece of tile that was lying on the floor (the building was new and there are debris lying around) and stuck it to the fire exit door to prevent it from closing if ever i needed to go back.
and then i started to descend. i counted the number of floors i descended which i thought was a smart thing to do but don't really have a specific reason why. every floor was identical except maybe for some construction materials here and there since some units are still under construction. and even though the doors can't be opened on the side that i'm in some doors have also been kept open by some object that's probably placed there by the workers for easy access. since they too obviously can’t use the elevator. the thought of being caught using the fire exit is actually still in my head and every time i hear voices or see fire exit doors open i feel nervous because they might get mad at me or something. i actually feel my legs (mostly my right leg) tremble as i descend and hear voices (take note of this sentence). as i was on the 20’s on my floor count i heard voices that are so loud they may actually be on the fire exit as well. when i saw the construction guy i immediately ran back up for no reason other than being caught using the fire exit. sidenote: this is also the moment i realize i’m a “flyer” in a fight or flight situation. but then i thought “what the fuck am i doing? i ain’t going back up there.” so i continued the descent and casually asked the guy if the fire exit door on the ground floor is open (i didn’t know the ground floor door opens on the fire exit side), and he said only the second floor one is open. after that predicament i continued my descent. the fire exit stairs started to have a bigger radius in its quadrangular spiral which i thought indicates that i am on the parking lot floors. some of the fire exit doors on the succeeding floors seem to be open but i continued descending since i didn’t know where the second floor was. i ended up reaching the ground floor and realizing that it opens from the fire exit. i hear people ranting about the power outage and whatever. when i opened the door i was given strange looks and all i could think of doing was look that the first person that made eye contact with me and do the “shhh” thing with my finger in front of my lips as if everyone didn’t see me just appear from the fire exit door. i then casually walk out of the building “smirkringing” at what i just did.
after all of that i finally arrived at bk, just around the corner, to get me some a’ them double bacon cheeseburgers. i stayed there for almost an hour, mostly finishing off the large drink that i ordered. it was time to leave and this is where the fuck up starts gradually. remember the sentence i wanted you to take note of? well that actually meant something completely different. there reason my legs were trembling because they were actually already strained. they were trembling because “they couldn’t work anymore”. i only realized this as i stood up and started to take a step. my left leg was fine but damn i almost fell when i started to move use my left leg. through careful but discreet analysis of my strides i deduced that the muscles that don’t work are my calves. if i tried to force them to move it feels as though they are about to cramp. then i realized that i have been quite sedentary for about four days. all i did was eat, sleep, poop, and played video games. the effects were quite mild and i just didn’t mind it. i went to 7-11, bought some mobile load and went to a starbucks beside the bk. another hour later it was time to leave. i expected it to be better since i rested a bit. but it did not get better. it got worse. now both of them feel like jelly. each stride feels like your legs falling asleep. i tried forcing them but the cramp like feeling really hurts. the good thing is that the walk i had to do is really short so i only had to look like a person who had a stroke, for a short time.
|
descended “33 minus chinese unlucky numbers” floors after being sedentary for four day. had a fire exit adventure with personal revelations and my legs became jelly.
|
really wanting to leave my condominium unit
|
Title:really wanting to leave my condominium unit
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, this happened 6 years ago when i was 18.
currently, i'm waiting to board a plane so i figured you guys would find this random.
i'm from the same town taylor swift is from and i have multiple friends who know her personally (not her close friends but went to school with her..ect)
so, i'm on facebook one day and i happen to run across taylor swifts personal facebook account.. so naturally.. i requested her to be a friend. a few weeks go by and i randomly get a notification that she has accepted it. woah! cool! and it was indeed her real personal account.
i didn't say anything to her for a few weeks and randomly one night i sent her a message not expecting a response. and she responded! we chatted about random things, she was super chill. we talk about doing a photoshoot (i'm a photographer) and i could pay her in great conversation and some "froyo" (frozen yogurt). she thought would be cool and i was super happy! woah! i might have a chance to hang out with taylor swift.. wtf?!
i end the conversation because i don't want to be that dude that keeps talking and she gets annoyed. so, we say by to each other and that was that.
a few weeks later she was playing the vmas and i really wanted to take photos there. who else would be better to ask for press passes or some kind of pass.. than taylor swift?! so, i message her the following " hey taylor! i hope your tour is going well i hope every thing is well. i really would love to take pictures of you at the vmas and i was wondering if you would could obtain a press pass?" (it was 6 years ago.. i imagine it was a little different..)
and..... she blocks me. ohhh and hayley williams from paramore blocked me aswell.. i didn't say anything to her. :(
it sucks.. because i swear i'm not a creepy dude. lol just a guy that wanted to take pictures.. years later i realize that wasnt the way to go about it. but now i have a funny story.
|
i messaged taylor swift on her personal facebook account for press passes for the vmas and she blocked me.
|
getting taylor swift to block me on facebook.
|
Title:getting taylor swift to block me on facebook.
TLDR:
|
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so this fuck up has been going on for about a month now, but culminates in me finally checking my thermostat yesterday.
earlier this year i was looking to move back to my hometown to take care of my sick father. i wanted to be close to him but not actually live with him, and it worked out that a friend from high school's parents were looking to rent her room out. ended up being a good deal on both ends because they give me discounted rent and when my friend comes to visit she can stay in the room with me instead of sleeping on her sister's floor.
friend visited back in august at the height of a major heat wave. i had been barely surviving with just a fan, then one day came home from work to the blissful feeling of cool air. my friend said she had turned on the air, so i figured she must have asked her parents to adjust the thermostat or just done it herself. i hadn't done it because i didn't want to pay them extra for air, but i knew they wouldn't say anything to her about it.
fast forward to this month. i got used to the room being cool while my friend was there and completely forgot about it. then earlier this week there was a huge drop in temperatures and suddenly my room was like the north pole. i was pretty confused because early in the summer it had been really stuffy so i had a hard time believing it was just a draft.
yesterday morning i finally had enough and started checking all of the windows to see if they were securely closed, and when i moved aside one of the curtains i realized for the first time that my room has its own thermostat. i flashed back to my friend's visit and it hit me what had happened. turns out she put the thing on the fan setting, not a specific temperature, and when i finally turned it off the temperature was reading at 38 fahrenheit. snuggled down under a pile of blankets and thankfully when i woke up it was up to a more respectable 53. i'm sort of tempted to put the heat on since the fan ran for so long and her parents didn't say anything, but i don't want to press my luck.
|
spent a week freezing my ass off because i left the air conditioning on for a month
|
turning my room into a walk in fridge
|
Title:turning my room into a walk in fridge
TLDR:
|
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] |
okay, story-time, reddit.
so i realized yesterday that i had an assignment due tonight at 7pm that i knew i had but didn’t realize was due so soon. it involved reading an entire book that i hadn’t started and writing an essay comparing the themes of the book with the various things i learned about aboriginal culture over an event last weekend. i’m still not sure how long this essay is supposed to be, but i’m banking on the standard, 2,500-word kind.
i got nicely wired on coffee and had a stash of chips to eat to get me through the book. i blazed through the thing in about 4 hours and i’m really surprised by the efficiency with which i read it. after i finished, i decided that i would take a break for a few hours and then go to a coffee shop near my school for 6-ish am and start the essay with a mind about as fresh as one can have after pulling an all-nighter.
to achieve this, i had the not-so-great idea of watching scary top 10 videos on youtube. i went through 3 hours of these things, ranging from top 10 scariest things that /b/ has actually done all the way to the creepiest mythological beings, etc. the standard, i suppose.
as the time to head out was getting closer, i started to get kind of uncomfortable. not like the uncomfortable that you get after going to the pool and your ass gets itchy in the car, but rather the kind of uncomfortable that you get walking down an alley alone at night. perhaps this feeling is better described as the uncomfortable that you get by thinking about the idea of going into windsor for literally any reason.
the shadows that the sleep deprivation created were dancing around my unusually cold room and i decided it was time to leave. the rest of the house was pitch-black. outside was even more so. it didn’t help that the interior light in my car is busted, so i didn’t even get a break there.
the mounting apprehension i felt was getting stronger and i decided that i would take all the junk out of my car before i left. (i don’t know..? maybe to keep myself occupied?) that was a bad idea. the pitch black and the silence that only night can bring made me even more uneasy. once in a while i’d hear a hoot or a scraping (presumably animal) noise off in the distance. i haven’t helped myself much over the past several years by surrounding myself with death metal imagery and its hellish lyrical themes. eventually i though “fuck it,” and i got in my car, fully prepared for a long drive through the blackness.
i defrosted the windshield and the driver’s side window, but decided that the passenger’s side was unnecessary because my only merge would be to the left when i got onto the highway. so i flicked on my lights and off i went.
at this point i think i should note that my “street” is a gravel path leading toward the main road and is lined with tall, ancient trees that hang over it and block out the star and moonlight. i was very close to the end of the road when i saw “him.”
the dim light from my headlights illuminated a man in a glowing white shirt staring me down from the side of the road. he starting walking toward me, but my fogged-up passenger window blocked him out by the time i stopped.
#ohshit2015
after seeing the ghostly glow of his shirt and the glitter of his eyes in the dark i was terrified. when i realized he was coming my way, i gunned the engine and booked it the fuck outta there. my usually awesome and metal-filled drive to school was instead spent in silent embarrassment at my lack of ability to get over myself like a man.
anyway, now i’m sitting at the coffee shop near my uni and contemplating all my other poor life choices.
|
stayed up all night for school, watched scary stuff, saw a creepy ghost man
|
trying to be a good student and almost getting possessed by a scary ghost-man
|
Title:trying to be a good student and almost getting possessed by a scary ghost-man
TLDR:
|
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] |
this did not happen today, happened last year, now bare with me this story is funny imo (time has a funny way to make things funny) and thought i'd share it with the fam here on reddit.
this happened last year my kids were 7 and 6 and as a single mother i really wanted to give them a great christmas this time around, as oppose to a bunch of 99 cents store toys to make it seem like they got alot. they are older now and know the difference, they ask for things by name instead of just pointing at the commercials on tv saying "i want that" (like they used to do), they know what they want now, they use an ipad in school for christ sake lol.
now i have been a single mother since the 6 year old was born (7 now) and as a single mother my pay check was never all that it could be handling the house bills on my own but was gonna be no excuses this time around i was gonna get my kids the christmas they wanted and deserved. call it a second wind, a new motivation or something just lite a fire in my butt cause i felt great about myself once i made up my mind to do so. i went out got myself a second job and i even started working out to lose the baby fat (yeah i know not baby fat no more lol). i have been neglecting myself and was lonely in my personal life romantically speaking but all that was changing with this new attitude. this new attitude had me on a strict diet, working out, with a second job putting the kids toys away on layaway. things were getting done!
fast forward to the tifu day!, oh what a lovely day it started out to be. 4 months since i got this new attitude, 35lb ago, final payment made on my layaway's across the board. pick up day! im feeling great have all the toys in the car, on my way back to my apartment to wrap them up and put them under the tree wait for the kids to come home and see!
i get home i light up a scented candle i always do and i was feeling great a lil too great i decided to let my will cave (120+ days on a diet) and to treat myself to a snack a dessert so i decided to bake me a cheesecake (my favorite), i whip it all up put it in the oven to bake and meanwhile i start to wrap up the gifts. i almost done my last one matter of fact got the rest of the christmas gifts under the tree already and there is alot of them (yay) when i think damn the cheese cake, i run to check on it putting the wrapping paper on the divider next to the candle. i pull the cheesecake out and the towel slips completely off when i was adjust my grip on the pan and my entire fingers hit the raw hot pan and i jerk/throw the cheesecake to the counter (out of pain) where it knocked over the wrapping paper and must of pushed the candle to the edge but must of been barely balancing cause it was still on the divider (from my angle pov it looked fine).
i run to the restroom to attend to my burn put cool water and neosporin was a nasty burn (it blistered up later on) when i come out of the rest room it was an inferno! the divider was on fire, the christmas tree was on fire, the presents, the cabinets on top everything appeared to be on fire. i panic don't know what to do i start screaming trying to throw water on the fire out of a drinking water gallon lol then i remember my upstairs neighbors so i run out to warn them but nobody was home (thank god), i run and break the glass to the fire extinguisher outside and try to put it out, i must of blacked out or something cause next thing i remember the firefighters were in my apartment and i was outside talking to the police etc.
i call my mom so she can pick up the kids from the bus stop so they dont have to see this, after a few days they let me back in to shift through what made it, the room was fine, everything was fine except the kitchen, living room and the christmas tree and all the present were toast except one, the last one i didnt get to wrap cause i had to get the damn cheesecake. whats funny about this is i was doing a song and dance when i was getting my cheesecake out (ima eat a cheesecake, ima eat a cheesecake) lol till i burned myself. so needless to say, last year my kids got a bunch of 99cents toys again (which they didnt even seem to mind tbh), but this year is the comeback year! no cravings of anykind on no diets and i promise cheesecake will be bought from the store this time around. i tell you at the time i was devastated heart broken felt like a huge failure and that i let my kids down everything low as low one can be but today i cant help but laugh at the entire thing i am just grateful no one got hurt. sorry so long.
|
wanted to give my kids a great christmas and because i had to have a cheesecake i burned the place down womp womp womp
|
i burned christmas down because i am a fat ass lol!
|
Title:i burned christmas down because i am a fat ass lol!
TLDR:
|
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] |
actually happened about, oh, eight hours ago.
for the past four days (this is also a fu, i'm well aware) i've been having rather strange breathing issues which seem to be caused by a combination of allergies and asthma. roughly eight hours ago i finally got fed up enough to hie my behind over to er, at which point i was given a breathing treatment, got blood tests and heart tests and x-rays out the wazoo, yada. so *that* part of it? yeah, that's alright now.
here's the fu.
i'm on a short course of prednisone now to try and break this whateveritis that's fucking with my lungs. okay, fine and dandy, except there is a tiny problem with this which i *completely* neglected to remember - i am not supposed to take steroids. i have a recurring issue with my right eye that steroids aggravate *very* strongly. (blood behind the retina, basically. there's wee vessels there that love to break and try to blind me.)
and sure enough, i wake up at 3 am with a sense of foreboding and a ginormous blind spot in the middle of my vision, because guess what, it's back.
i want a new body.
|
lungs rebelled and were tamed. process of taming lungs caused eye to rebel. i hate everything.
|
following doctor's orders.
|
Title:following doctor's orders.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this was just 45 minutes ago. right before i got off, i was ringing up a bunch of junk food and candy for younger looking guy. i look up and say something to him like "got a sweet tooth?" he just scoffed and said "naw...my ex-girlfriend is pregnant with twins." my sleep-deprived brain didn't catch the "ex" part, so i said "oh, congratulations!" and handed him the receipt. then he looked me right in eyes and said, "they aren't mine" and just walked away.
shit.
|
congratulated some guy on his ex-girlfriend being prego with some other semen's twins.
|
congratulating some poor guy on their ex's pregnancy
|
Title:congratulating some poor guy on their ex's pregnancy
TLDR:
|
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] |
yeah pretty much how sounds. now i'm at the hospital posting this.
edit: a word
|
got drunk. got naked. got hungry. made ramen. splashed boiling water with chicken flavoring on my dick. got burns on my dick.
|
drunkenly making ramen naked.
|
Title:drunkenly making ramen naked.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened about 4 days ago. i worked in costco for a 3rd party and my job was to engage with people and to book sales appointments. one couple came over already interested but their english was terrible. they were an older asian couple and they had a note card of english phrases to help them through the encounter. naturally it was very difficult to communicate with them but i did my best to speak slowly and clearly, to fill out some of the paper work for them, etc. my main concern was that i wanted to make sure they were booking the right appointment for exactly what they needed and they felt comfortable and they understood, despite the fact that they would nod at inappropriate times, look to each other for help formulating answers, etc.
so two of the questions we are supposed to ask if if they require a translator for the visit and what language is spoken at home. they said no and didn't answer the second one but that doesn't matter if they don't need a translator. it's really only important if the answers are english or spanish because we have salesmen that speak spanish otherwise it's tough. so i wrote "korean?" next to language (i thought it sounded like korean), they put down their phone number, i booked the lead, and felt pretty good about myself. i actually got another 2 that day which is unusually good for a wednesday but i digress.
so the next day i get a call saying i need to come into the office immediately. i put on my uniform as i had a shift after and get there to my boss and his boss. apparently the couple had complained to costco that i had been rude and racist for implying they needed a translator and that i had called them korean which they were very offended by. of course i never actually called them korean, just speculated that it may have been the language spoken. i would imagine that because they couldn't read english too well they were unable to read the context and just thought i was attempting to warn my also racist co-workers? also of course i was reading the form about the translator. my bosses apologized as they like me, but costco told them, without even questioning the story or asking about protocol, that i am no longer allowed to work in their stores based on the one complaint. as that was literally my job description, they have to let me go.
at least they both said they'll give me a glowing recommendation; i was one of the top lg's despite only working there for a month. any advice? fml
|
major language barrier causes miscommunication
|
trying to help a customer and getting fired for racism
|
Title:trying to help a customer and getting fired for racism
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i was on a road trip with a few friends, we pulled over at a rest stop to use the bathrooms/pick up some snacks. i'm wearing a flowy tank top with a lace overlay, and a cami underneath. i go to the bathroom, leave, and notice that a lot of people are staring at me. i look down, nothing seems wrong, i even pull out my mirror and check my face, i look fine. i walk outside, and my boyfriend across the parking lot looks absolutely flabbergasted and is making weird motions with his hands. i keep walking over and ask him what's wrong, he points to my top, the bottom layer had completely rolled up, and my boobs were completely visible through the lace. he was trying to tell me to pull my shirt down.
|
today i fucked up by flashing an entire rest station on the way home from las vegas.
|
getting out at a rest stop
|
Title:getting out at a rest stop
TLDR:
|
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] |
didn't happen today, but about 6 months ago. one of worst things i ever experienced.
fresh corn just came into season and our local grocery store had a great price on it, 10 for $1. wow! so i bought 10 for me and my fiancee, anticipating cooking and eating our first tasty corn on the cob for the summer. i took them home and we started cooking them right away.
anyway, my fiancee had two corn on the cob while i was finishing cooking, told me how great they were, but that she was seriously full and i could eat as many as i would like. so.... i immediately proceeded to grab the remaining eight cobs of corn and ate them rapid fire mode in literally about 3-4 minutes.
for a brief moment, i felt just wonderful. the corn was so so yummy and i was just filled with bliss that i got to eat so much tasty wonderful corn. this is life! good food, full belly!
that moment lasted about 10 seconds before my body quickly realized that i actually wasn't filled with bliss, but that i actually was filled with eight corn on the cob. i looked down at my stomach which had already grown to the size of a beach ball and was terrified as i was actually visually able to see it continue to grow even more. the intense stomach cramps followed soon after the initial realization of what i have done, probably compounded by the fact that i have ibs and general stomach issues. i've had some pretty severe and painful stomach sicknesses in the past, but these cramps i was having now were of an intensity and painfulness i have never experienced before. it literally felt like my stomach was going to rupture and explode.
in the panic of the moment, i ran to the bathroom to try to throw up, but i've never been one to throw up easily, and it just wasn't happening. i ran out to my fiancee for help, and we had the brilliant idea maybe to just drink some water, you know, to wash it down. so down went a big gulp of water, not helping the situation at all, but actually making the whole situation even worse because now i had even more contents in my stomach, ugh!!!! (in my fiancee's defense, she just said sip the water but i was the stupid one to panic and gulp it down).
the pain at this point was getting extremely awful, and my stomach was abnormally gigantic and rounded. things weren't getting better, they were just getting worse. i couldn't walk. i was light-headed, getting pale, and nearly crying from the pain and discomfort. i fell to the ground and was just sort of rolling around. i really could not get up. my vision was fading in and out as i rolled on the floor and i'm pretty sure i was blacking out for a couple seconds here and there. i was seriously talking to my fiancee (well more like mumbling and grunting) about taking me to the emergency room to pump the barrels of corn out of me because i literally felt like i was dying.
just as my fiancee was actually ready to call 911 for me to get me help, i finally came back to my senses for a bit and felt a tinge better. i started talking to her (more sensibly) and said i think i would be ok now, and that i just needed to lay down. she escorted me to the bed once i was able to get up and walk, and i laid there with a belly about 10 times the size of my head and in pretty bad pain for the remainder of the night. it took a solid 4 hours for the pain to really start to go down, and let's just say that night was very rough. in short, i was an idiot who engorged myself on a ton of corn in a very short amount of time and quite possibly nearly killed myself from the gluttony. i'm pretty sure i had been passing in and out of consciousness briefly when i was on the floor, so you know you really fucked up when that's the reaction you get after you eat!
worst part besides almost dying from eating too much corn though is that when i finally got around to passing the corn, there was literally so much that my bowel movement was 100% corn, as in literally no other solids or brown stuff. just a bowel movement that was quite literally 100% yellow corn for what seemed like ages....
|
- ate 8 corn on the cob in about 3 minutes like a fool. got extremely sick, stomach expanded to a size thought not possible, and the pain was so intense i was drifting in and out of consciousness. fiancee almost took me to the emergency room before i finally came back to my senses and waited it out for the remainder of the night, very uncomfortably. also, disturbing 100% corn poop for ages once it finally passed through my system.
|
eating corn on the cob.
|
Title:eating corn on the cob.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i've been messaging someone off of craigslist because he had an ad posted in strictly platonic saying how he wanted to make new friends, seemed good and also he's in a similar field of work as i am so i thought that would be good. so i'm a straight guy, unemployed and just got out of a 5 year relationship, still kind of sad but i figured new friends would be good for me especially if they may turn out to be good business connections. so everything was fine, we messaged a few times back and forth and then we decided to meet for a beer. turns out he was looking for friends but he was hoping that it may lead to a relationship down the road. i told him i was straight and wouldn't mind being friends with him even if he's gay but that i wouldn't really be down for anything. he said it was fine but there was a lot of physical contact, (hand-touching, side-hugging) and constant mentions of how cute i am. not the night i had envisioned.
|
met a guy from craigslist, accidentally went on a gay date.
|
thinking the "strictly platonic" section of craigslist actual meant strictly platonic.
|
Title:thinking the "strictly platonic" section of craigslist actual meant strictly platonic.
TLDR:
|
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] |
i am one of the biggest fucking idiots out there. i met this girl a few days ago, and we got to talking. right from the get go, i was attracted to her. i had recently gotten out of a relationship with a girlfriend, and my heart was still healing. then she came along, and seemed to make things better again. she was one of the most prettiest people i'd ever seen, and i was stunned to know that she was single. so i made it my mission to chase after her in the hopes of dating her in the future.
after getting to know her, i found out that she had relationships in the past that hurt her, since her exes betrayed her trust and cheated on her. when i found out, i was furious that someone would treat her like that. i realized that she had trust issues from that, and understood. at least, i thought i did.
things were going good between us. there definitely was an attraction between us, and i was really starting to like her more and more. then today happened. we were exchanging semi-dirty pics of each other over snapchat. i loved the pics she sent, and that was when i made my mistake. for one of the snapchats, i took a screenshot.
she noticed that, and was really hurt and disappointed that i would save that. she was scared that i would be like her past exes and do something scumbag worthy and share the screenshot with others (i would never). i apologized and tried to prove that i had deleted it, but she couldn't trust me anymore. she told me that she didn't want to talk to me again, because she didn't want to go through another one of those relationships again. i pleaded for another chance, but it really was my fault for doing that.
what the fuck was i thinking!? i knew that i she had asshole exes, i knew that she had trust issues, and she chose to trust me by sending me those pics over snapchat. what do i do? take a fucking screenshot like a dipshit. i don't know what to do now. i guess in time i'll get over it, but she was a girl i really liked. i wanted to ask her more about the books she liked to read, or the conspiracy movies she talked about. i wanted to see her get into university and work towards becoming a teacher. i wanted to be a guy she could eventually trust whole-heartedly.
and i fucked it up.
|
i'm a piece of shit.
|
breaking my crush's trust and losing her for good
|
Title:breaking my crush's trust and losing her for good
TLDR:
|
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] |
yes, yes. this didn't happen today. moving on.
i had a major cold, but i still decided to go to high school. i spent most of the day at the teachers desk, blowing my brains out onto a tissue. it was so bad that my eyes started watering in band class. while i was sitting down, one of my lady friends came up to me and asked if i was okay. i said that i was, just had a cold. she gave the typical, "awwww, i'm sorry," as she would usually do. she reached her arms out for a hug. i just went along with it since i didn't want to hurt her feelings. however, since i was sitting and she was standing, her breasts muffled my face. she began squeezing tightly while i was struggling to breathe. then, i felt a sneeze coming on. a big one. i tried grabbing her shoulders and pushing away, but it came to early. i then proceded to let out a crap-ton of snot right onto her shirt. she pushed away and looked in horror. i was in shock, so all i was able to do was mutter, "i'm so, so sorry..." we both made a mad dash to the bathrooms and cleaned up. i have never felt so guilty when she went on through the rest of the day with a soggy, wet, slightly stained bosom.
edit: for anyone wondering, me and the girl were able to laugh it off the next day. we are still good friends.
|
i sneezed directly into a teenager's boobs.
|
letting a girl hug me while i was sick
|
Title:letting a girl hug me while i was sick
TLDR:
|
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first of all excuse my english, isn't my main language.
short backstory: i fell in a deep love with a girl for over 6 years (a long history. lot of shit happened during those 6 years). i managed to date her, but only for 5 months. after that she returned with her ex, a not very kind guy. i suffered a lot. after some time i managed to 'forget' her, thinking she's not my type and should search for someone better than she. after everything she acts very distant to me, and we barely talk or something.
so my tifu happened yesterday. i'm in a school excursion for one week. the place we're visting it's very cold, so around 80% of my partners caught a cold, including my ex. i was the lucky 20% that remained healthly. important detail, my ex was acting very friendly to me, unusual thing.
one night i was alone in my room in the hotel and i hear someone knocking at my door. it was my ex, she asked me if she can sleep in my dorm because the girls in her dorm were making a lot of noise and she was feeling sick. i agreed, i gave her my bed and i laid in an empty one. after some time i notice she is staring me. i asked her if she wanted something and she said 'no'. we started talking about random things and we laughed a lot. after an awkward silence she came to my bed and laid on my side. i gave her a hug, thinking she is having cold and wanted some warm.
the main tifu come here. she started kissing me. i always loved her kisses, so i didn't stop her. all my memories with her started showing in my head. in that moment i forgot she was sick. we ended making out in my friend bed. i was so happy, the girl that i lost was kissing me again.
after a short time my friend showed up in the dorm, and i got possibly cockblocked by him, who saw the scene and started laughing. after he left i continued kissing her. we make out a little more until she said she should be returning to her dorm. she left and i was there, thinking if everything was a dream.
i woke up this morning a bit sick. yep, with her kisses she probably spread the cold she caught.
now here i am, in my bed, sick and confused.
i don't know what to think. i'm probably falling in love again, and she isn't probably interesed in returning with me, remember she is dating with her ex. i don't want to suffer again, but hell, i really miss her now. those kisses made me remember the good times i spent with her. i tried talk to her but as usual she became a bit distant again. my brain is going to explode.
|
kissed my ex, caught a cold, blue balled by my friend.
|
kissing my ex
|
Title:kissing my ex
TLDR:
|
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] |
this literally happened an hour ago.
a little background. i recently got my license, and my dad gave me our '89 f-150 to drive around. for those of you know are familiar with the dash of said truck, the lights knob and the wipers knob are right next to each other.
anyways, i was at the library, getting ready to come home, when this cute girl, who lives kind of near me, asked if she could get a ride home. i obviously said yes. i was ready to impress her with my skills with a manual (i live in idaho. sticks aren't very common) things were going pretty good. i was performing flawlessly. we nearing the road that she lives on, when my older brother (35, single, and living in my parent's basement) drives by going the other direction. he flashes his lights in greeting. his greeting makes me realize that it's getting dark, and i should probably turn my lights on. since i've only been driving the truck for a couple weeks, and hardly ever at night, i don't exactly have a lot of experience with turning on the lights. i reach down to pull the light knob out, and it doesn't pull. instinctively, without any conscious thought whatsoever, i try pushing it to turn on the lights. bad move. i had accidentally grabbed the wiper knob. windshield washer fluid shoots out. i freak out. i have to worry about popping it out of gear so i can go around the corner, at the same time i'm trying to wipe the windshield, but i turn it the wrong way, so it only wipes once, which just manages to smear everything, and suddenly i can't see, while i'm turning the corner, and i can't see anything still, and suddenly it seems like there's suddenly cars everywhere, and i overshoot and have to jerk the wheel to stop us from going into a ditch. while all of this was happening, my panic addled brain is still trying to figure out why the lights still aren't on. and, for some reason, my brain also had to be very vocal about all the panic it was experiencing, which included things like, "ahh!!", "opps", "what the", and "aahh!!".
i manage to get the girl home safe and sound, but, needless to say, she was no longer impressed by my driving abilities, and i don't think she'll be asking for a ride again soon.
|
i tried to impress a cute girl with my mad skills, pushed instead of pulled, and ended up killing the mood
|
pushing when i should have pulled
|
Title:pushing when i should have pulled
TLDR:
|
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] |
another animal story, fresh from australia.
me and my friends went to check out this new volcanic site that was just discovered a few weeks ago. it was a nice, scenic place, and we looked around for a while. we got to the site and there was a huge cliff face with a large rock hanging over a edge. we got out of our car and went to explore the site. we were there because on of my friends decided to paint a picture of the cliff face.
once we got out of the car, we weren't the only ones there. there were about 20 *cows* following our car. there were following us for food. we went up to the cliff face to look around at the wildlife, like kangaroos and other stuff. the cows were just wandering around, some walked back to their eating ground.
i wandered up to meet my friends, but i got stuck in a vine, near all the cows. i could barely move because it was really prickly and spikey. and then i realised something; these cows didn't come to fuck around. they were here to get the opportunity to mess me up good.
one of the cows started to circle me, while the other cows sat and watched. i panicked and tried to free myself from the vines, but my fingers got cut by the thorns. the cow started to move back, ready to charge. i finally freed myself and ran away from the cow. the cow charged and ran into the thorn bushes. karma.
the cows didn't leave though. they hung around for a while, then realised they weren't getting anything out of me, so they left and went to eat more grass.
|
goes on a trip with friends, gets stuck in a vine, cow almost kills me.
|
getting stuck in a vine.
|
Title:getting stuck in a vine.
TLDR:
|
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tifu. so yesterday, yeah not today blah blah but anyway yesterday. i went to homecoming with a girl i liked. so i get there around 7:45 and she is already there. i had bought a corsage and i gave it to her and put it on and all that good stuff. 8:00 rolls around and we go in. so fast forward an hour and a half and me her and some other girl made a circle of three and danced spinning around. ya know generally screwing around.
so then the girl i liked says to me "go steal that guys date" and points to a guy in her theater class. me being the nice dude declined because i feel that stealing someones date is a dick move no matter the situation. so the little circle breaks up a few minutes later and we return to our circle of like eight friends and we just danced and stuff. so like an hour later around 10:30 the girl i liked starts getting really giddy and happy. so everyone or the majority of the people in our group ask her whats up. she replies "i get to slow dance with the guy i have a huge crush on!"
so im just kinda confused and i ask another girl in our group who the girl i was going with liked. she replied with his name and it was the same guy the girl i liked previously asked me to steal his date. so im pissed that she tried to use me to steal that dudes date and that she used me as like a date filler. so for the last hour and a half of the dance (yes it went till 12:00) i just stood there in the circle pissed off not dancing, just staring at the clock on the wall with my arms crossed.
edit: changed the tl;dr
|
asked a girl i liked to homecoming, in turn she used me as a date filler and asked me to steal the date of the guy she really wanted to date. stood still for an hour and a half pissed off looking at a clock.
|
going to homecoming
|
Title:going to homecoming
TLDR:
|
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] |
well, for the first time ever my girlfriend slept over at my place last night. i'm in college and i live in an off-campus dorm type setup. the beds at this place are twin sized beds meant for one person, so they're relatively small (especially for two people). anyway, this morning we woke up a little earlier than we planned and she had taken up a good majority of the space on the bed and was pushing me off the edge. i had woken up before her so i nudged her and she realized how much space she was taking up so she moved over. in my attempt to scoot over towards the middle of the bed, i had swung my arm up and brought it back down, landing a full force elbow right onto my girl's nose. needless to say, we're not sure if she broke it, but it definitely feels swollen.
edit 1: enter button
|
pulled a john cena on my girlfriend's nose.
|
sleeping with my girlfriend
|
Title:sleeping with my girlfriend
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, i just got a new trek hybrid bike yesterday and i've been riding it every chance i get when it's not hot as balls outside. i installed a wider seat and wanted to test the sucker out, so i decided to ride down the street and back home. halfway down the street, i notice a cop behind me then the he pulls right next to me, scrolls down his window and tells me to stop.
so, i pull over to the curb and this 5'4 short, about 40 years old, chubby man walks out of his car with his clipboard. (mind you, i'm close to 6'1 and have to look down at him when he is talking) i thought to myself, "oh shit, seriously what could i have done." the cop asks how old i am and i say i'm 16. he then gives me this long af lecture about not wearing a helmet and because i had my earbuds in when i was riding. i then told him i completely understand about wearing a helmet and that i installed a new seat and was just riding down and back up to my house to test out my new seat. he then started to ramble on about kids these days and told me he was giving me a citation. i then asked him to please reconsider since i was literally just riding down and back up the street which only takes a less than 2 minutes and that it seemed kinda excessive for him to give me a citation and not just a warning.
i ended up having to walk my bike home with a citation in hand. i came home and told my parents and they weren't mad at me luckily, but upset that the cop didn't give me a warning.
now, i'm not super pissed off at the cop, i understand that he was only doing his job, but i wish he could've given me a warning. lesson learned: wear a helmet at all times even if you want to ride down the street, keep "those damn earplugs out", and don't live in california if you want to ride your bike down the street to test out a new seat.
|
got a new bike seat. decided to ride down the street. cop pulled me over and lectured me for not wearing a helmet and having earbuds in. lecures me for about 10 minutes. got a citation. california laws suck.
|
riding my new bike down the street
|
Title:riding my new bike down the street
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this all started a week ago when i decided to trim up my mohawk to find i had an allergic reaction on my head. i ran out of shampoo and had to use a different kind i had laying around. it wasn't too bad just some red spots here and there. i didn't think much of it and was told by my grandmothers friend who cuts hair to use some tea tree oil to clean my scalp and make them go away faster. well after about 4 days it wasn't going away and i had started to break out on my chest and back. then i remembered i put a bit of tea tree oil in all of my shampoos to help keep away lice. i stopped using the tea tree oil shampoo and got a new shampoo without the added oil and its starting to clear up.
|
used what i was allergic to, to try and get rid of allergic reaction.
|
being allergic to tea tree oil
|
Title:being allergic to tea tree oil
TLDR:
|
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] |
so for the past 3 days, i've been locked away working my ass off studying for some crazy exams i've got this week. for the most part i haven't seen the outside of my room except for a short study session at my uni and to have a small conversation with my brother's girlfriend.
today started off with my lab report taking way too long. to compound the stress my brother brought his girlfriend and a few friends over that have a pension for making way too much racket so i decide i need to tune them out.
with my music turned up as far as comfortable, my open-backed 612's weren't blocking the noise so i grab my closed-back headphones to completely tune them out. it was perfect, i don't hear them and i'm in my own little world. for 4 more hours i worked hard and got most of my work finished.
at this point, it's around 8:00 pm and i decide to give myself a reprieve, load up my nsfw content, and have some fun. after a longer than usual run i'm tired and get up to stretch. and this is when i realized that i didn't shut my door all the way last time i came back into my room. now it sat, fully ajar so that the entire hallway, to the kitchen, and the living room could see what had been on my monitor.
my brother and girlfriend are still over and my father was probably walking around the house. i don't have a clue if anyone saw me, but damn do i feel sick about it. also because of the headphones, i don't know if anyone had been walking around because they completely blocked off all outside sound. the kicker here is my brother and his girlfriend had a massive fight about his porn habits yesterday (both are pretty religious and young) and she commented about how i'm probably the "better virtued brother." i don't really care, but now i've probably got to avoid her even more.
it would be better if i knew someone saw me, being in the dark about whether or not someone saw me is worse than the shame.
|
didn't remember door was open and may have performed for the whole family.
|
using the wrong headphones.
|
Title:using the wrong headphones.
TLDR:
|
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] |
this was earlier this morning.
so me and a few friends were celebrating a co-worker's birthday last night. we went to a bar, got a bit tipsy. i ended up heading home with my best friend/co-worker (i'm a guy, she's a girl and i'm kinda crazy about her) because i didnt want her driving me home, then back to her house in her condition.
we got to the house safely, talked a bit then went to sleep. middle of the night, we woke up and decided to spoon (i wanted to figure out my cuddle game). (note i'm a virgin by choice, but she and i constantly joke about her snatching my virginity.)
after a while, i'm feeling raunchy, this is my first time sleeping in a bed with a woman, first time spooning, and so i'm thinking, "let me give this girl a little massage, see what happens." so i gently rub her stomach which my arms were wrapped around. she doesn't object. i move to her side boob. no problem. (at this point, there should have been a red flag, because she's not the kind of girl to let a guy that she's not dating touch her goodies. but i'm drunk and horny.)
anyway, i slowly work my hand down her shirt, under her bra and directly upon her glorious boob. jackpot. and she still doesn't complain! after a few minutes of that, i doze off.
later when we both wake up still spooning, i reach for side boob again. she gently says, "chill out." so i stop because i respect her. it took me a few hours to realize what had gone down... she had immediately stopped me from grazing the side of her breasts when she's clearly awake, but was perfectly fine with me squeezing and rubbing them earlier when, in hindsight, she might have been asleep.
edit: i'm trying to figure out if i should tell her. o_o she has pretty terrible memory when she's been drinking, so she probably doesn't remember, even if she was awake. also, she told me that she does like me like that, but we both agreed that we aren't good for each other (and i do mean both of us, this isn't a brave-face thing). but i still... want her. jeez i hate this, guys. i really do.
update: i told to her over the phone... she was surprisingly cool about it, forgave me. i get to see her face to face tomorrow so i'll just... verify there. but so far, so good.
|
i fondled my best friend's breasts, thinking she was awake and enjoying it. turns out she was very likely sleeping. i technically may have molested her.
|
thinking that she was awake...
|
Title:thinking that she was awake...
TLDR:
|
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meet this girl on a dating website. we seemed to hit it off at first, but to be honest i needed to fill in some lost time in my day, i am a very social person and when not doing anything i like to be around people.
the afternoon seemed to be going great. we talked about everything under the sun. it seemed like everything we talked about we shared the same views or we had that in common. it was great. unfortunately i had made plans to see a friend later that night, a friend that i had not seen in years. i asked for the bill, paid and told her that i would love to see her again, maybe even later that night, if things with my other friend went sour.
i couldn't let my friend hanging, it turns out it was her birthday so she incited a lot of people. people i hadn't seen in years either. i decided to stay the rest of the evening. i of course, being the gentleman that i am let the other girl know that i would not be able to join her that night.
i was on a two week holiday visiting family. so every chance i had i wanted to take advantage and hang out with her. she seemed to be down with the same since she even took a week off of work. that may not have been exactly for me as she had her wisdom teeth removed. but we were together as much as we could.
i am in the middle of a divorce, so technically still married. we decided to stay married for a little while, until she finishes school and is able to stand on her two feet without having to rely on me or anyone else. since we have a child it seemed like it would be the best thing.
when i returned from my holiday, i had nowhere to go since i was in the middle of a move. i stayed with what is my wife/future ex wife. i talked to this girl every day. i'm talking text, voice,face time everything.
here's where i fucked up. i dint tell her i had a daughter nor that i was married pending a divorce. she found my facebook page and went on it and saw the old pictures and the parts where i saw i'm married. the deal is i hate fb not only do i never check it but i definitely never update it.
she calls me up and says that i'm a filthy liar and never to contact her again. i of course do the exact opposite and try to communicate with her. she is having none of it.
well what could have been the best thing has now gone down the drain all because i am an idiot.
|
met a girl while i was in the middle of a divorce and now she hates me.
|
meeting the perfect girl
|
Title:meeting the perfect girl
TLDR:
|
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] |
as per usual for this kind of post i will start with some context.
i [m] am in their 20's and have a neighbour [f] in their late teens with a boyfriend who works nights and a small child. we've been neighbours for around 2 - 3 years now. i have always noticed that she flirts with me on numerous occasions, even though throughout knowing her i had a girlfriend (until 2 months ago) and i made it quite obvious to her through text's that i wasn't comfortable with her flirting with me as i'm the loyalist mother fucker you'll ever know when i'm taken. it's worth noting that every girl i have been with has been a slim, delicate flower and quite frankly this girl wasn't that, can you tell i'm recently single?
so, it's a sunday night, i'm watching jurrassic world through totally legitimate sources and i'm texting my neighbour as a single man without care. fast forward to the part when i'm outside her door, she let's me in and says "are we really going to do this?" to which i replied. "yes, why not?".
so we waddle upstairs and go into the bedroom and she's nervous as fuck worrying whether her boyfriend will find out so i make sure i've definitely got the go ahead before we do this. she definitely wants me, she's just scared and nervous. so we talk a bit on the bed while i'm stroking her legs, her fairly large hams that resembled freshly cut tree farms. this goes on for about half an hour and she's still not calmed down a bit but she still wants me.
so after a lot of stroking and talking, she finally eases up and lets me take off her nightgown to reveal her body which looked like a bust settee. under the covers, i'm about to make my move, i look into her eyes and say do you still want this? she says let's do it and i go in for the kiss. this is where it gets interesting. if you've played air hockey, you know that to score a point the puck has to go through the fairly large goal which is the only analogy i can think of using. that's not even the worst part, i soldier through this for around 10 seconds hoping it will get better when the mother of all tongues comes flying at me like a kamakaze pilot similar to [this (safe for work)](https://youtu.be/y4xlowps6n0?t=17s).
now i'm sure most people would comment and just ask her to wind her neck in a bit, but no. i'm a gentlemen or something like that and since sex is on the table i carry on, move my fingers down her bumpy body and in between her legs. after a while of fiddling and kissing the ox i just can't do it. i'm almost throwing up in my mouth because she's really not my cup of tea and i'd hate to tell her that. so i tell her i can't be with a woman who has a boyfriend and make my way home.
so here i am now typing this up while eating cookie crisp.
|
almost shagged my next door neighbour, i felt like i was david cameron on coke.
|
almost having a one night stand with my neighbour.
|
Title:almost having a one night stand with my neighbour.
TLDR:
|
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] |
don't want to break tradition, but this actually happened today. i'm a college age male who goes to a mostly male university. girls are few and far between and attractive ones are ever rarer. so a week or so ago i met some girl at a party and for some reason we actually talk for most of an hour. she's not bad looking at all but is very skinny and has big hair and uses just a little to much makeup (just an opinion, it adds to the story a bit). it was probably because i was fairly inebriated and had nothing to lose in making conversation. anyways we talked for awhile and i actually remembered her name, which is uncommon for me.
fast foreword to today and i was sitting in the main dining hall with a small group of friends and a few guys i'd met on a occasion or two. we were shooting the breeze and trying to derive some nourishment from the terrible food service meals. to make a joke at the fact that our university is just a big 4 year sausage fest i pointed out a group of guys sitting at a table with one girl, each one trying his luck and hanging onto every word she said. it was the same girl that i had chatted with at the party a week earlier. after making the joke i go back to eating and i stop paying attention to the group of guys and the one girl. a few minutes passes and my roommate (one of the guys) says "oh yeah her names destin....." and i open my stupid mouth and say "yeah i remember that because its a strippers name". it happens that he stopped mid name because she had gotten up and was walking right behind me and looked at him when he said her name.
after i make my great comment everyone at the table is dying with laugher that the whole dining hall can hear and i look over my shoulder to her walking away. i don't know if she heard my comment but she for sure heard my roommates. my roommate then spent the rest of the day giggling over my fuck up.
ps: next time i see her i'm going to say hi to find out if she heard my remark.
|
i recalled a girls name because it was a strippers name and she was right behind me, open mouth insert foot.
|
"its a stripper name"
|
Title:"its a stripper name"
TLDR:
|
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] |
i was trying to buy some underwear in a shop, and i saw the type and brand i wanted. however, they were on too high a shelf for me to reach, so i asked a shop assistant to help me. she was happy to and asked me what size i wanted, i replied 'small'.
she struggled to reach them, but did eventually. after looking at them, i realised i didn't really want them. i told her, and she said 'do you want me to get a medium or large size' and i told her no. i thanked her, said sorry, but still felt really bad because of the inconvenience i caused her, so tried to make polite conversation while i was walking away. without thinking i said "i guess i just need to grow a few more inches"
i was referencing my height so i could reach the shelf where the underwear was, but she didn't interpret it this way: she thought i was talking about the size of my penis so i could fit into the medium/large sized underwear. she gasped, scoffed and told me i was disgusting. i tried to explain but just spluttered words out, and she then asked me to leave the store.
|
tifu by sounding like i was talking about my penis size when i was talking about my height with a store assistant.
|
buying underwear
|
Title:buying underwear
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i just met this guy and he is insanely attractive and sweet. he asked for my number and i happily gave it to him. everything was going great! he asked me if i wanted to go have coffee with him that evening, so i said yes. we started talking and the conversation shifted over to my recent trip to texas. so i start pulling out my phone to show him the pictures.
the fu: i swipe through them and i swipe too far and get to one of myself bent over for my gonewild album. i instantly hid my screen from him and started apologizing. he acted like he didn't see anything, but i could tell that he seemed a bit disturbed.
|
i need to organize my pictures.
|
showing my ass to someone i just met.
|
Title:showing my ass to someone i just met.
TLDR:
|
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] |
okay, i read on reddit for some years now and never had an account. today something happened that i thought is a good reason to make an account. english is not my first language so excuse any mistakes. because it was in another language (german) its hard to translate also, but i think you can get the point anyway.
when we leave this morning heading to work my 4 year old son denied he has to pee. as we arrive where i work, he told us he has to pee and cant wait any longer. so i took him to the office to do his business. i was first at work and there was no one around.
as we are about to leave a female, heavily overweight coworker from me entered the office. we have a small lobby and there are 2 consecutive doors, thats where the drama happened.
i could already see that he want be quiet and was hoping it will be at least a bit subtle. so he watched her squeezing through the 2 closely spaced doors and as she managed to slip through he turned around and looks at me. i was about to say something when he burst out with:
"this one, doesnt fit through any door."
she ignored him and walked by like he was not there. as i already thought it was over, he opens the second door and shouts to my wife in the car:
"mum, i just saw a woman that was fat like this" and stretched his arms and legs while he was walking out of the door like a tank.
im really trying to teach him being a bit more subtle, but i fail over and over, it was not the first time something like this happened.
i guess soon someone will beat the crap out of me if i cant find a way to stop his honest way.
|
not very subtle son, overweight coworker, drama.
|
let my son use the toilet at work
|
Title:let my son use the toilet at work
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i had been playing video games online for a while and hadn't gotten up to pee in a while. so i really had to go. so i hop up and lightly jog the 4 feet to my bathroom and start doing my business. as i am standing there daydreaming something all of sudden starts fluttering and crawling all my face. and of course my natural reaction is to jump back and flail around like an octopus. in doing this i managed to pee all over my bathroom. like everywhere....
|
had to pee, became a victim of the moth rebellion
|
moth rebellion
|
Title:moth rebellion
TLDR:
|
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] |
instead of most posts in this thread this actually happened a few hours ago.
here we go:
so i was sitting on my couch with a glass of whiskey, being a bit tipsy. i decided it would be nice to turn on the fireplace, so i grabbed the bio-ethanol from the garage. i pour a lot on the wood in my fireplace (unknowingly spilling a lot on my sweatpants). i grab my matchbook and ignite the fire, so far so good. i grab my glass of whiskey and started sipping some more. then i decided to throw some lit matches at my fireplace (my biggest mistake ever).
one of the matches slips out of my hand and onto my bio-ethanol soaked sweatpants. ignites like i let loose the seven hells. i decided punching the fire out would be the worst idea ever, so i just drop down to the floor and lay there, luckily the fire stopped and i only had a few burns. the bad part was that my crotch was one of the most "damaged" areas.
so now i'm writing this with an icepack on my private parts.
|
thought it would be fun to throw matches, unleased the seven hells on my private parts.
|
setting my crotch on fire
|
Title:setting my crotch on fire
TLDR:
|
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] |
**background**
when i was 22 my dad married a woman with a 19 yo daughter, let's call her sarah. i say this because although sarah is technically my stepsister i never grew up with her and we are not related biologically. we are family though and the two of us are very close. i have always thought sarah was an attractive and wonderful woman, i have had a crush on her for quite a while. i was happy in the friend zone.
i have several female friends and usually don't have an issue being friend zoned i usually stop thinking about them as girls and just treat them as another sister. for some reason i never lost that feeling for sarah, i suppressed it because valued our family and friendship.
sarah's marriage is falling apart. her husband, will, is not committed to the partnership, he is present but not an active parent to their child. will can be verbally abusive, i have witnessed this, and they have had physical altercations, i have not witnessed but seen the aftermath. sarah can defend herself, a witness stated he struck sarah first but will ended up in the er. the recent physical turn has resulted in my nephew living with grandparents while they work things out. sarah frequently stays with me.
sarah and will have tried counseling. more than one counselor has stated will is unwilling to cooperate with any attempts to resolve their marital issues which include a dead bedroom. evidently the last time the two were intimate was before their son was born, he's now 4. i didn't know that, if i did i might have done things differently. sarah says she was okay with servicing herself, she had to do it before most the time so no big loss. what sarah wants most is for will to be a dad. sarah didn't have a dad growing up, she doesn't want the same for her son. will doesn't seem to care, my nephew called me dad and will's response was, well the job is yours now. i've stepped up, but i'm his uncle not his dad. for this one reason sarah didn't want a divorce.
**my fuck up**
i posted on /r/confession and to some close friends that i love sarah, more than she knew. i told them how she was feeling depressed and rejected and several people told me i should tell her how i felt, she probably needed to hear that more than anything. this even came from one of her best friends.
anyways, her husband didn't do anything for her for valentine's day and had to work the evening so i asked her to go out with me. yes, i asked sarah on a date, effectively. i had done it before and it cheered her up so i thought a night out would be good for her, take her mind off the fact her world is falling apart.
after dinner we went out to a bar with live music and bumped into some friends, ones who knew how i felt about sarah. they asked me of i told her and i said it wasn't the time or place. i figured it was poor taste to do it on valentines day when she seemed extra vulnerable. after a few drinks and noticing more than one guy trying to dance up on her i took her outside and i told her. she hugged me and cried a little, i thought that was it. when she pulled back she told me she loved me too and leaned forward. it was obvious she wanted me to kiss her so i did. we were out there for a while before we went back in.
if that had been the extent of it i would have called the night a success. we were both drunk when we took uber back to my place. i should have said no, i could have said no. i wasn't that drunk that i hadn't thought about the consequences, i did and i ignored them. i slept with sarah.
the next morning she told me she loved me again, and how long it had been since she and will had been together. i felt sick about what i did but i hid it, she was definitely vulnerable and i exploited it selfishly. she rold me i gave her exactly what she needed to move on.
we talked a lot while still in my bed. part of it seemed like a dream. i will admit i got what i always wanted. sarah and i are together but i can't help think at what cost. she asked if i still wanted her to stay, i had previously offered my spare rooms to her if she wanted to move out. i couldn't say no, although this is very different than what i offered. sunday i went over to her place with her and packed her stuff and she now lives with me.
sarah wants a divorce, she doesn't care if will wants anything to do with his son. she wants me to be his dad. i want these too, but i have a hard time being happy about it or being pleased with what i've done.
**
tried to cheer my (not biologically related, not raised together) stepsister up by telling her i love her on valentine's day, ended up stealing her from her husband and ruining her marriage for good.
**update**
introduced sarah to a very good divorce lawyer and i put up the retainer so she is set. i can't be part of this process, i don't want to do any more that might change the outcome in my favor. i did confirm one complication, potentially. by legal definition sarah and i are committing felony incest, punishable by 7 years. someone would have to file a complaint, possibly will. even if they didn't prosecute, it could fuck my career as a lawyer. i could lose my senior partner status, or partnership completely. i could also be disbarred for ethical misconduct. i don't care though. sarah is worth it.
|
**
|
following the advice of multiple people and telling someone how i felt in hope it would cheer them up.
|
Title:following the advice of multiple people and telling someone how i felt in hope it would cheer them up.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so i was feeling a little bit out of it today. i had a bad headache, i was dizzy, my eyes hurt, and i had a bad cough.
i had just gotten home from school and i decided i should do the dishes before taking a nap.
i finished loading all the dishes into the dishwasher and went to grab the soap packet. instead of grabbing that i grabbed a swiffer cloth. i folded it nicely and put it in the soap slot in the dishwasher and started the machine.
after i woke from my nap i went to unload the dishes. when i opened the washer there was fabric from the cloth everywhere. all of the dishes were covered.
i had to rewash the dishes twice to get rid of all of the fabric.
|
don't do the dishes when you're not feeling well.
|
doing the dishes
|
Title:doing the dishes
TLDR:
|
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] |
so this happened about 5 years ago but it is, to this day, one of my biggest fuck ups. by a long shot.
let me start off by saying i'm not good at telling jokes. i'm good at witty banter but i can not tell any good jokes. i gave up memorizing jokes a long time ago because i would just fuck up by stuttering or missing words and end up destroying the delivery.
i had this friend who i had been talking to for about 4-5 years. we met online and she was awesome. we liked each other and were flirty often but long distance just wouldn't work for either of us, so we just texted and talked mainly as friends.
one day i'm at work and i receive a text from this friend: "please tell me a joke." i found it weird and asked why. she responds "i can't tell you just please say something funny." i tried to ask again and she kept responding "just please say something funny." being at work and on the spot and quite concerned as to what she might be going through, my mind was totally, absolutely blank.
now, instead of giving it some time to think through or just ask a coworker for a joke, i made the decision i needed to respond immediately. no time for thought, just say the first most absurd, silly, outlandish thing i could think of.
'i like little boys.'
don't ask me why this came to my head. it just made me give a silent laugh so i figured it would suffice. her response is "omg no." i now start freaking out and ask what's wrong and apologize for not knowing anything funny. she then tells me the reason she is upset is because her family just found out that her younger brother (around 13 at that time) and his best friend has been molested for a multiple times by a neighbor of theirs.
reddit, there is no hole deep enough in this god-forsaken earth that could have hidden my shame. my stomach gave the biggest lurch and i knew there was nothing at all i could do to mend the situation. i apologized profusely and she said it was fine but there's no way in hell it was ok. we continued to talk for awhile and we even had the pleasure of meeting each other in person last year but we are no longer in contact.
edit: couple of typos.
|
girl i have a crush on asks me to tell her something funny because she's upset. i jokingly tell her "i like little boys" only to find out the reason she was upset was because her younger brother had been molested. kill me plz.
|
not knowing any good jokes.
|
Title:not knowing any good jokes.
TLDR:
|
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] |
ok so this was actually something that happened about 6 years ago but it is still causing me problems today.
so i was a lonely person who turned to the internet for comfort. i found a forum that i liked and started to spend a lot on time on it. most the people on there were cool, we all just had a laugh together. there was one guy who was a lot like me, lonely and sad. we started to talk a lot and after a while his conversations turned more personal. he wanted a relationship and i told him i didn't. he didn't take no for an answer. turned out he was a total creeper.
long story short, he and his split personality he calls "the hacker" have been harassing me on a daily basis ever since. rape threats, death threats, threats that he is going to kill someone, threats that he is going to kill himself (yes please) threats that he is going to come to my country and find me.
been to the police and they are trying to do something about it.
|
was lonely and picked myself up a crazy internet stalker
|
being lonely
|
Title:being lonely
TLDR:
|
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] |
like most of these tifu stories, this didn't actually happen today but 2 years ago on 4th of july. i went over to my gf house to celebrate and watch fireworks with her and her roommates. we bbq'd, drank, did the usual 4th holiday weekend stuff. it was getting dark and we all decided to go up on the roof of the house to watch the different fireworks shows that were about to start. the only ladder we could find was in the garage, used to access the rafters storage area. it was a homemade job so i tested it as i was the biggest one there. it held my 200 lbs just fine so we set it up and clambered up onto the roof. (it's a 1 story house btw)
the roommates and i all made it up there just fine, but my gf somehow didn't. she got to the top of the ladder and after handing me her drink stood straight up on the ladder and reached out her hand for me to grab. big mistake, i watched her slowly fall backward arms outstretched frozen like some kind of frankenstein monster. she held the pose as she disappeared from view, and i couldn't believe it. just a moment later i heard a sickening bang and a thud and peered over the side to see her in the fetal position grunting and not moving, breathing but with considerable effort, the makeshift ladder on top of her.
we were all now at the edge of the roof peering over without a good way to get down and my gf wasn't responding, laying in a heap on the side of the house. after what seemed like quite a few minutes of yelling down to her and contemplating the best place to jump off the roof without breaking an ankle, she started coming around. after a minute of telling us "just wait a minute i need to catch my breath" she was with it enough to prop the ladder back up and we all got down.
i immediately went into assessment mode, calling up my old knowledge as a medic years ago. after a couple minutes it appeared the worst of it was two decently deep lacerations, about 2.5" and 1.5", and a puncture about .5" all with nice bits of muscle and fat hanging out. i knew she needed stitches, and luckily she lived right across the street from the hospital, so we all just walked over.
during the conversations with the nurses and dr. while they were asking about how it happened, she jokingly said "my boyfriend pushed me off the roof!" because she was slightly intoxicated, she thought it was funny to repeat this story over and over in the er while waiting to get her sutures. a couple weeks later she got a letter from the hospital stating that they were aware that someone else could have caused these injuries to her, and if this was true, that person could be liable for her medical bills.
now she has a decent conversation piece set of scars, and tells everyone about how her bf pushed her off a roof on the 4th of july.
here's a link to an album with a few shots...
http://imgur.com/a/3wxds
edit:spelling
|
girlfriend fell off a ladder and had to go get stitches, she told the the hospital staff i pushed her off the roof. got a letter from the hospital wanting to know if the story was true.
|
pushing my girlfriend off a roof (aftermath pics inside)
|
Title:pushing my girlfriend off a roof (aftermath pics inside)
TLDR:
|
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] |
ok, so this one needs a little bit of context. i'm a boxer: i train at a pro gym in philly. my dad is also a boxer, and has for the last 6 months or so been training at my gym: nothing serious, just getting back in shape (i'm 24, he's 56).
occasionally i'll meet him at the gym; sometimes we'll drive together. usually, we'll stop at the wawa (i.e.: god's gift to mankind) first, because we're both caffeine addicts and don't really give a shit that coffee isn't really good for you before a workout.
so, on this particular saturday morning i drove to my parents' house, picked up my dad, stopped at the wawa, got coffee, and then drove to west philly for a training session. i made it about 1/3 of the way through my coffee by the time we'd made it to the gym, so i left it in the car. we both go inside, start workout, all is well.
well, that day i'd forgotten to bring any water with me. and, there's no water fountain at my gym: so, unless i felt like sticking my mouth underneath the grimy-ass bathroom sink in the locker room, i wasn't getting shit to drink. my workout that day lasted about 2.5 hours. of hell. by the end of it my stupid waterless ass was just about ready to die from dehydration. my dad was fine tho: he'd finished early, so i asked him to go grab some water around the corner. no problem right?
workout's now over, i get changed, go downstairs, get into car, ask my dad where water is, he's forgotten it. fuck. i'm this close t passing out, hands are shaking, lips dry as shit: i need something to drink. and then it hits me. coffee! i still have 2/3 of my morning cup left. sure it's cold by now, but i literally don't give two fucks at this point. time for a drink.
now here is where i made the first of my two fatal errors. 1. when i picked up the cup from the cupholder, it felt a little light. definitely not as full as when i'd left it there, but i was too thirsty to care. second, the cup wasn't in the same cupholder: it was now on the passenger's side (i'd been driving.) no matter, i raise it to my lips and take a huge sip. except this coffee tastes like piss. and not in the usual way wawa coffee can taste like piss. this was a bit salty, mildly sweet, and way fucking warmer than it should've been by now. this is not coffee. this is not anything remotely similar to coffee. but by the time i realized what i'd just drank i'd swallowed. an entire fucking mouthful.
at this very moment my dad gets into the car, sees the coffee cup in my hand, and start to say "hey don't drink th..." and then he sees the look on my face.
"hey dad?"
"yes son?"
"this isn't coffee in here is it."
"nope."
and then he burst out laughing. the entire fucking way home. apparently the bathroom at the gym was full so he let loose in my freshly emptied-out cup. but the joke's on him because i'm pretty sure he's a diabetic.
|
forgot water at boxing gym, drank leftover coffee in car, swallowed about 3 oz of fatherly urine.
|
drinking my dad's pee
|
Title:drinking my dad's pee
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened on sunday, not today. here comes a long post, so i apologize for the wall of text your about to encounter.
i should start my fuck up by saying i am a tech-freak. meaning, to me, that i get super super excited about owning something new related to technology, whether it be a new cell phone, or a new console. anyways, here we go.
i was browsing craigslist about a week ago, looking for a new laptop. i had just recently sold my super heavy, super loud alienware gaming laptop (on craigslist), and was after a macbook, mainly because i didn't game on it, i needed something light, and i had just recently purchased an iphone for myself (after trading away my other phone, like i said, tech-freak)
so i found an add, near me, that looked awesome. it was a 15" 2012 macbook pro, listed as used, but for a sweet price of $900 (ive looked, similar laptops run for about $1500-2000. so, not taking my dads advice (anything that is too good to be true, probably is) i contacted the seller, and wanted to set a date to meet. now, i am a very very "nice person", meaning i hate conflict, i hate being a nag. i gave him my cell number and asked him to call me. he never did. he insisted on texting me only, through a number i now know belonged to a burner. you may see where this is going...
anyways, i meet the guy on a nice sunday afternoon, at a nearby starbucks. great. i've meet countless people in similar spots, dealing things like xbox's and phones and etc. so, its around 2pm, and i arrive at the starbucks. we confirmed we were going to meet 2:15, so i was a little early. i texted him saying i was already here and told him the car i was driving, so he can easily spot me when he arrives. i sit in my car, waiting anxiously (im super excited at this point, i have always wanted a macbook for myself) and just start playing games on my phone. i checked the time and it was about 2:30ish. i try calling the guy, no answer. i try texting him, no reply. pretty disappointed, i begin to put my keys into the car, and just call it a day. that is, until a knock on my window.
i look up and there's a gun pointed at me through my window. i have had a gun pointed at me before (long story) so i right away raise my hands, and freeze. my door isn't locked, so he opens up my door and tells me to get out. i get out of the car, and he makes me empty out my pockets. i give him everything. my wallet, my iphone, and of course, the money i had for the macbook. he tells me to get back in the car, shuts the door, and runs.
at this point i'm completely shocked, and devastated. i had no phone to call the cops, and honestly at the time i couldn't process anything. i went into the starbucks hysterical and phoned the cops.
nothing. no lead, i didn't see his car, i only remember his face a little bit (i looked at him initially, saw the gun, and freaked out) the only thing i remember is his skin color and his sun glasses. i lost my phone so i didn't remember his number, i couldn't find his craiglist add (browsing cl on my phone).
so, be careful when using craiglist. i lost my money, my id, my phone, and honestly i'm pretty fucked right now.
|
used craigslist. got a gun pulled on me, didn't take dads advice, lost all my shit.
|
using craigslist
|
Title:using craigslist
TLDR:
|
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this happened to me last week. i'm a stay at home mom, my husband works while i watch our 2 year old son.
it's about 3:30, i'm on the porch with my son and our cat setting up a shelf so in a few weeks i can start growing some flowers and stuff outside. both my son and the cat won't stop playing with the shelf, so i get annoyed (since parts of it are glass and i dont want them to break it and hurt themselves before i can bolt it securely to the wall) and shuffle them back in the house.
as i get my son into the house, the cat runs back out onto the porch. i open the sliding door again, hurry out, and close it before my son can slip back out too. my plan is to grab the cat and run back inside. i pick up the cat and turn around just in time to watch my son push the lock up on the door.
so now i'm trapped outside with a pissed off cat. our porch is small and screened in, and the door to our apartment is locked so even if i got off the porch i couldn't get back in the house. my son has my phone and is bashing it into the glass door, so i can't call my husband.
i spend a half hour trying to get my now screaming kid to unlock the door. finally, a couple walks by with their dogs. i get them to call my husband for me and ask him to come home. he was supposed to be working late that day, otherwise he'd have been home already.
half hour later, my husband unlocks the door and brings shivering little me back in to the house.
|
2 year old locked me on the porch for an hour
|
going on the porch
|
Title:going on the porch
TLDR:
|
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] |
so some backstory:
i was riding my bike at around 2am trying to get back to my house after going to a party thrown for my friend. at the party, i probably drank over a gallon of random shit, and i forgot to stop by the bathroom before leaving.
but anyway, i was almost at my house when my bladder was about to explode, so i stopped in a dark area and quickly pulled down my pants and starting peeing into a bush, when suddenly the bush started screaming at me. i jumped up and started peeing all over the place and some of my pee went into another bush, which also started screaming at me. then the bushes started to stand up and i got back on my bike without my pants on all the way and started to go as fast as i could and they started running toward me. i went to a place with some more light and realized that there weren't bushes, but they were two 14 year old girls hiding from their friends. their faces and shirts were dripping with my pee.
edit 1: i just got back on my bike and tried to pedal as hard as i could back home but the first time i got back on i stumbled so hard and fell on the ground
|
i peed into a bush where two 14 year old girls were hiding
|
peeing in the dark
|
Title:peeing in the dark
TLDR:
|
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] |
i just bought a snowblower. nah, let me try that again. spending way more money than one should ever spend on residential outdoor equipment, i bought the snowblower that makes all your snowblowers look like fisher-price entry-level bitches (ages 3-6). folks, behold, the [ariens hydro pro 36](http://www.speedwaysales.com/images/5849.jpg). twenty-one foot pounds of unabashed swinging-balls american torque is at my fingertips. this thing attacks snow like a 1984 robin williams locked in a miami basement with keith richards.
in case you are unaware, the boston area has sad some higher-than-average snow totals over the past month, and what better opportunity to try out my new toy. monday morning came around with a fresh new batch of fresh winter cloud-feces. it was time. i put my ratm evil empire cd in my discman, fired up my new baby and off i went down the driveway.
amid the throes of violent riffs and political uprisings, i blew the fuck out of that snow. i launched it across the street into the woods, i shot it into already-existing snow banks that had no choice but to take it and keep adding to themselves, and i pelted the entire side of my neighbor's house with ice pellets, where i broke every window and i put quarter-sized holes in the clapboard siding. the side of the house looks like it was used as a prop in the boyz n the hood. at the time it was happening, i knew none of this. there is a fence that separates our properties and i was sending the ice and snow over it, assuming the whole time it was landing softly somewhere else. because zack de la rocha had my undivided attention, i assumed the snow was going where it was supposed to.
it looks like my $3,500 snow blower is going to run me about $15,000 after i pay for windows and wood replacements and paint. the neighbor, rightfully, thinks i'm a fucking bozo. i spent the rest of monday patching up her windows with some plastic and plywood i had on hand.
|
bought $15,000 snow blower, wrecked neighbor's house.
|
listening to music while snowblowing
|
Title:listening to music while snowblowing
TLDR:
|
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i'll keep this short and sweet (sort of).
i went to the movies with my dad last night to see kingsman: the secret service. he was running late and we ended up getting to the theater 20 minutes late, which i thought was fine because they always run previews for a long time anyway.
so i gave the theater guy our tickets while my dad got the popcorn. he told us to go to theater 6, so i headed there while my dad was standing in an oddly long line.
i got to theater 6 and previews were still playing. then the lights dimmed as soon as i walked in. i made it just in time, great :) . so i sat there for 10 minutes while the theater packed up. i thought it was odd that a theater would play previews for 30 minutes so i got up to make sure i was in the right theater. and my dad still wasn't here... odd.
yup, theater 6. yup, my tickets say kingsman. what's this? i have a ticket stub that says 50 shades of grey? oh shit.
apparently the booth we bought the tickets from fucked up and gave us an extra ticket to 50 shades of grey... and the guy tearing the tickets saw the 50 shades one and ignored the other tickets.
so i walked over to the kingsman showing (after telling the people of their mistakes) and saw my dad standing near our seats, looking for me. apparently something even worse happened to him.
...
my dad's fuck up was even more embarrassing than mine. remember the long line? that's because a bunch of women were buying wine from a movie theater right before watching 50 shades of grey (weirdos). so there was a constant flow of women walking into the theater. then there's my dad, who looks like he's 65. he's carrying a large bucket of popcorn with a bunch (like, a lot) of crumpled up napkins (because the popcorn is always buttery and messy).
a 65 year old guy walking in with a bunch of crumpled up napkins to 50 shades of grey, looking around for me and walking up and down the isles while the packed theater of women watches him silently. yikes.
at least my fuck up wasn't as bad as his. well i guess it was the theater staff's fuck up, but it still sucks for him.
|
i looked like a lonely creep sitting in the back of 50 shades of grey, but my dad looked a thousand times worse and was probably reported to the authorities at least 10 times.**
|
arriving 20 minutes late to the movie theater
|
Title:arriving 20 minutes late to the movie theater
TLDR:
|
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i was doing some travelling through europe a few months ago and after a raucous night in prague i headed off on a train to vienna.
austria were playing montenegro that night in an international football match and i thought i'd try and see if i could get some tickets. i got into the hostel at 4 pm and kick-off was at 6 and needless to say i was bit sticky after the night in prague, so i was starting to think that my chances of getting tickets were slim.
i got into my room only to be greeted by a german man in his 40's lying on his bed like a teenage girl in his y-fronts. i greeted him with the excitement that one does as we began a conversation as is customary in hostels.
after putting on some clothes he asks me what i intended to do tonight, to which i replied that i was looking to try and get tickets for the austria game and this is when the night went wrong, i thought he said that he had a spare ticket which i could have if i wanted. i responded with delightful glee at the news and then just about came my pants when he told me it only cost €5. i mean €5 for a football game, i couldn't resist! i tell him i need to grab a shower and i'll get him downstairs.
i go downstairs and we head off, whilst walking we're chatting away and he begins to start talking about how he has recently got out of a mental institution, this for many people would be a red flag but i really wanted to go to the game so i just agreed along.
we've been walking for a while now and i begin to wonder where the stadium is because usually you can see football stadiums from quite far away. we turn the corner and he goes 'ah here it is! it wasn't a football stadium. my initial reaction is that i had misheard him and it was a screening of the game on a big screen sort of thing, but then i looked about and there were a lot of posters up for mamma mia...and when i looked about some more there were quite a lot of women there, who were all dressed up...oh fuck has taken me to mamma mia...?
thoughts flash through my mind as to how i can not go to mamma fucking mia but rather than have an awkward conversation with the man recently discharged from a mental hospital and is occupying the bunk below me i decide i have to accept my fate, thinking to myself at least the songs will be in english...except it turns out they weren't, the entire thing was in german...a language which i don't understand whatsoever.
after sitting through three hours of german abba, the songs aren't quite as catchy if you're wondering, with a gleeful german sitting next to me excitedly clapping along at every song it all finally ended. we exited the venue and i was asked if i enjoyed it, obviously i lied and told him yes, i was then asked if i fancied going to get something to eat, now i know what you're thinking 'no!!! get the fuck out of there!' and a more sensible man would have done exactly that but i was rather peckish so agreed.
i ordered up some wiener schnitzel and chowed down thinking that the night was starting to pick up! we both finish eating and go to pay the bill. i let him handle the paying because of the language barrier and go to square up with him, only for him to refuse my money. he tells me its his treat and that he has more money than i do, i try and insist on paying but he isn't for it, so again to avoid an awkward situation i just accept begrudgingly.
so in the end i got a dinner and a show for free and then didn't put out. turns out i'm a total tease...
|
thought i was going to a football game with a random german but ended up at mamma mia with a dinner after then didn't put out.
|
mishearing a german.
|
Title:mishearing a german.
TLDR:
|
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] |
so, i'm trying to complete an online purchase a couple of hours ago and i want to use my discover card. i notice the discover logo on the checkout page, but when you open the dropdown to select the card type, discover is not there. i decided to click the "chat with support" button to see if i'm crazy or if i should just use a different card. just to prove i'm not crazy i took a screenshot [here](http://i.imgur.com/wsq0jgs.png). this is the conversation that followed (times must be in their local time, because it's mid-morning here):
call accepted by operator mary. currently in room: mary, guest.
11:00:30 pm: mary:
welcome to live chat support, how may i assist you today?
11:01:13 pm: guest:
hi, you have the discover card logo listed under payment method, but there is no option to
choose discover from the "card type" dropdown menu.
11:01:53 pm: mary:
https://thewebsite/paynow.html
11:02:08 pm: mary:
try option 2
11:04:07 pm: guest:
what do you mean "try option 2?" the second item listed in the dropdown is mastercard.
11:04:43 pm: mary:
yes
11:04:48 pm: mary:
we accept all cards
11:05:10 pm: guest:
there is no option for discover
11:05:22 pm: mary:
not specific option
11:05:31 pm: mary:
just add to cart
11:05:32 pm: mary:
and checkout
11:06:18 pm: guest:
i have added to cart and i am at the checkout screen. i have to select the type of card i am
paying with in order to complete the transaction. do you or do you not accept discover?
11:08:17 pm: mary:
we accept
11:08:41 pm: guest:
so how do i pay with discover, then?
11:09:22 pm: mary:
just add to cart and checkout
11:13:22 pm: guest:
i have already added to cart. which of these options should i pick: http://i.imgur.com/wsq0jgs.png
11:18:19 pm: mary:
any you can choose
11:18:36 pm: guest:
so, not discover, then?
11:18:52 pm: mary:
as told we accept all
11:18:58 pm: mary:
it will not mention specifically
11:19:05 pm: mary:
just put card details
11:19:06 pm: mary:
and checkout
11:19:08 pm: mary:
will be fine
11:20:12 pm: guest:
no, it won't. the card numbers must match the type of card you select. it won't go through if i
use a discover card and select mastercard.
11:20:32 pm: mary:
how much paying and item code?
11:20:46 pm: guest:
if you don't accept discover just tell me and i'll use a different card.
11:20:55 pm: mary:
we really accept
11:21:02 pm: mary:
did not get complaint yet
11:21:04 pm: mary:
but if your card not working
11:21:08 pm: mary:
you can try other card
11:23:31 pm: guest:
i don't get what's so hard about this for you. the card number must match the card type selected.
if i can't select discover, then it will get rejected because the numbers are not a "visa" or "mastercard"
pattern.
11:23:48 pm: mary:
let me know how much paying?
11:23:50 pm: mary:
and item code?
11:23:57 pm: mary:
i will arrange manual link for you
at this point my goal is now to get the support representative to just say "we don't accept discover." clearly they don't, or at least their website is not set up to properly allow discover payments. "mary" asked for some details of my purchase to create a manual link for payment that brought me to [this page](http://i.imgur.com/dfdkmj4.png).
11:26:00 pm: mary:
http://thewebsite/quickpay/8456826.html
11:26:05 pm: mary:
follow this link to make payment
11:26:09 pm: mary:
and let me know if it works
11:28:25 pm: guest:
that link only allows american express, mastercard and visa.
11:29:31 pm: guest:
"card number incorrect or incompatible"
11:29:41 pm: mary:
here things are fine
11:29:47 pm: mary:
check you card please now
11:30:07 pm: guest:
the card works. you just don't accept discover.
11:34:06 pm: mary:
we do
11:34:15 pm: guest:
in the united states?
11:34:21 pm: mary:
uk
11:34:32 pm: guest:
i am not in the uk.
11:34:41 pm: mary:
we accept all
11:34:51 pm: mary:
location doesnt mater
11:34:54 pm: guest:
my original question was just whether or not you accept discover cards. if you just said "no"
i would have paid with another card. i don't understand why you won't admit that you don't
accept discover.
11:35:15 pm: mary:
because people are using
11:35:23 pm: mary:
and we did not get any complaint yet
11:35:26 pm: mary:
if your not working
11:35:30 pm: mary:
then please try other card
11:36:37 pm: guest:
what dropdown menu item should i choose to allow your system to process a discover card?
i have used this card within the last 30 minutes and it works just fine.
11:37:15 pm: mary:
if your not working
11:37:21 pm: mary:
then please use another card
11:38:11 pm: guest:
i'm working just fine. what menu option is the correct one to pay with discover?
11:38:31 pm: mary:
2
11:38:47 pm: guest:
there is no option 2. what words?
11:39:08 pm: mary:
https://thewebsite/paynow.html
11:39:10 pm: mary:
try option 2
11:39:11 pm: guest:
"visa" "mastercard" "solo"
11:39:18 pm: mary:
visa
11:39:43 pm: guest:
so, select "visa" to pay with a discover card?
11:39:56 pm: mary:
yes
11:41:30 pm: guest:
that still doesn't work. why will you not just say that you don't accept discover?
11:41:45 pm: mary:
please try other card
11:41:49 pm: mary:
if discover is not working
11:42:06 pm: guest:
oh, so you don't accept discover?
11:42:17 pm: mary:
we do
11:42:31 pm: mary:
but your card not working as you told it doesnt work
11:42:37 pm: mary:
will suggest you to try other card
11:42:39 pm: mary:
if you have
11:42:41 pm: guest:
no, you don't. you don't have a discover option in your menu.
11:43:11 pm: guest:
how can you say you accept discover when it is not an option?
11:43:54 pm: mary:
then why i should say that we dont accept
11:43:58 pm: mary:
because we accept
11:43:59 pm: mary:
no specific option
11:45:12 pm: guest:
that's not how credit card processing works. when you select a card type it expects certain
numbers. discover, visa and mastercard all have different patterns. the card type must match
the number.
11:55:27 pm: mary:
is there anything else i can help you with?
11:56:08 pm: guest:
"anything else" implies you've helped me with something.
11:56:13 pm: guest:
so no.
11:56:58 pm: mary:
please try other card
11:57:54 pm: guest:
"other card" works just fine, too. i just don't understand why you think you accept discover.
11:59:13 pm: mary:
because we did not get complaint yet about it
11:59:21 pm: mary:
will forward your comments to billing team
11:59:28 pm: guest:
ok, thanks.
11:59:32 pm: mary:
thank you for contacting live chat support.good day.
11:59:41 pm:
mary has left the conversation. currently in room: guest.
|
i decided to ask a simple question to online tech support and will never get that hour of my life back.
|
asking "do you take discover"
|
Title:asking "do you take discover"
TLDR:
|
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] |
this happened last night.
i was out at dinner with my so when my friend, "jeff", text me to accompany him at a benihana where he would be meeting a girl he found online. i only get to see jeff once a week, if that, so naturally i want to go right away. after my so and i finish dinner, we leave to join him, only to find out he's with a whole group of people we've never met before.
i don't think i'm socially awkward, but i always notice whenever i start to make a fool of myself when i'm around new people. usually, i guess to impress people and make them like me, i'll do something very bizarre or immature.
well old habits go bruce willis on me, and die fucking hard!
i'm sitting in this crowd of 9 people, and only know two of them. i can feel myself becoming increasingly tense minute by minute. i'm stuck in the middle of boring small talk with this group of people i didn't want to be a part of. so my mind begins to wander.
here's where my fu starts.
the restaurant's closing down, and the waiter in our section is refilling the soy sauce containers (do you see where this is going). when he fills up the one at our table, i reach out, snatch it from him and jokingly say, "thanks, i was getting thirsty!" i put the container to my lips; pretending i'm about to start downing the sauce. however, i pull back and noticed everyone at the table staring in shock.
"i thought you were about to do it," jeff says almost breathless.
my heart races. i got this whole crowd captivated. right in the palm of my hand. where should i go with this?
"for five bucks...i'll chug this entire thing," i respond.
instantly, our waiter pulls five $1's from his tips and lays it down. oh crap, i didn't think anyone would pay up. well, i'm a man of my word. bottoms up!!
now if you've never had more than just a drizzle of soy sauce on your steamed rice, i'll describe the taste to you. it doesn't really hit you until the second gulp. imagine taking some old salty car oil, add salt water to it, and after that add a pound of salt, and you're on the right track. good god, i was tearing up by the last two gulps, it was so salty.
i power through and proudly slam the empty container back on the table. howling cheers, cries of laughter and astonished "wows" come from all over the group. i collect my $5 and sit back.
but wait! what's that feeling in my tummy? oh yeah, it's the moldy panda semen i just drank. now the stomach acid starts reacting, swarming like a dangerous hurricane in the ocean. there's only one way this will end.
i bolt out of the restaurant, throwing the door out of my way, and speed to the nearest bush. first comes the soy sauce and thank god it's out. then comes my dinner!! what's better than steak and shrimp with seared vegetables? tasting it a second time. the glorious mixture of gastric acid, surf n' turf, poseidon's salty diarrhea (the soy sauce), and tears (cause i always cry when i vomit) spew out in perfect rhythm. heave, cough, spit, catch breath, and repeat. continue for about 30 seconds or until rosebush is considered radioactive.
my stomach finally gives up, letting me take in the scene of regurgitation with all of the sights and smells. i wipe my mouth, as casually as possible, and turn around.
"oh hey, didn't see you guys standing there," i say.
of course, jeff, my so and the rest of the strangers i just met were watching me in my finest performance. i just stand still, paralyzed with embarrassment, not knowing what to do next. i reach for my so's hand to lead her out and drive her home, but instead she jerks her arm back while looking mortified. "i'm gonna get a ride from jeff," she murmurs. i silently walk away, alone, back to my car and drive home.
overall, 3/10. not worth $5 and would not do again.
|
met friend and some strangers with so at japanese restaurant. got paid $5 to drink a whole bottle of soy sauce. vomited in bushes outside while everyone watched. so didn't want a ride home from me.
|
chugging a bottle of soy sauce
|
Title:chugging a bottle of soy sauce
TLDR:
|
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hi again everyone. this just happened, around 15 minutes ago or so.
today is a special day in my work, so the managers brought up a buffet breakfast to celebrate. the buffet started by 7:30 am, and now it is 11:15am.
anyway, everyone had their order, and ate to their hearts content, however, me, being the hard worker that i am, decided to hold on until i was done with something very important that i have to hand out by 2pm.
so, i got done with that thing and decided to walk to the buffet. it was kinda empty by now, so i grabbed the last scraps of food: some pieces of fruit, a granola bar, some orange juice and a lone cheese stick that looked really good. i left some other stuff just in case someone decided to hold on also.
the fruit was ok, and the granola bar also, but the juice tasted really off, like it was turning sour. however, it would become the least of my problems, as i washed the taste with some water.
let me tell you guys, this cheese stick, which appeared to be so good it deserved a place in a four seasons menu, went the "three strikes and you're out" treatment.
first strike, it was soggy as a jelly, brimming to the top with fatty corn oil. second strike, when i grabbed the thing and raised it to my mouth level, it smelled a little off. i told myself that it was normal, as it was a cheese stick, and cheesee was smelly. well, carrying on. i finally took a bite.
once i chewed the thing, what little orange juice i had drank, the granola bar and the fruit pieces were all hurrying to leave my body upwards, like people in a fire alarm on a kids party.
i quickly went to the bathroom and calmed down a little, spitting every single particle of that foul cheese stick, and preventing the rest of the buffet from exiting explosively.
when i returned to my cubicle, and saw what was left of the cheese stick, i saw the reason of why it was so desastrously foul: the cheese inside had these huge mold spots on the surface, meanwhile the crispy covering was all fine and dandy.
costly cheese it wasn't, i assure you, as my coworkers ate them happily, but now i know why it was the last cheese stick in the buffet.
|
had a buffet at my workplace, waited too long to eat, grabbed scraps including a cheese stick, had a bite of it, it was freaking rancid.
|
eating the last cheese stick in the buffet
|
Title:eating the last cheese stick in the buffet
TLDR:
|
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so this happened just last night. i was browsing through my saved posts on reddit when i came upon this [abomination](http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/630920). i rewatched the whole thing and thought that i should share it with some of my friends because it was hilarious. so as i opened facebook, i went to copy and paste the link to every chat window that was open(since i normally only have chat windows with close friends open). it wasn't until i looked at the chat to see that something was off. i saw two chats open with the same friend on both of them. i wondered to myself, _why the hell is there two chats open of the same person_. then it hit me... i examined the name on the chat it showed _friend's name_ and some girl i didn't recognize. it turns out that the girl was a group member in one of my classes for an entire semester. my friend added me to the group chat without me knowing and i just sent her what may be one of the most disturbing links that mankind has created. i immediately flipped shit and tried to find a way to delete the message. in my state of panic, i immediately removed her from the group chat. i calmed down for a second until it hit me that she can still see the link. me deleting her from the chat also looks suspicious as fuck. i didn't have her added and i felt that if i added her now, it would seem really creepy. i quickly messaged my friend and told him to tell her not to click the link and that it was a virus. i thought to myself _hopefully she won't see the link and believe him._ my friend took a picture of his screen and sent me [this](http://i.imgur.com/0chbrnd.jpg). it was too late.... she saw the link and i felt my stomach drop and i screamed so loud that my mom woke up and told me to stfu. out of all the links i could've accidentally shared it had to be that _one_. i was shitting my pants at this point. i didn't want to be known as that creep who looks at weird shit. i also have class with her in a few hours so i have that to look forward to... i couldn't sleep all night because every time i thought of what i just did, i would laugh and cringe myself to death. i decided to make up some bullshit about my brother going on my account and sending that link to everyone on my facebook. hopefully she buys it or else i will become that _guy_.
[atrocity](http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/630920) and now she probably thinks i'm the biggest creep.
|
i sent a group member that i barely know in my class this
|
sending the most nsfw link possible by accident
|
Title:sending the most nsfw link possible by accident
TLDR:
|
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] |
i'd just finished a test and was on my way back to my car when a wild vending machine appears. thinking i could use a little boost, i set my eyes on a mt. dew. the machine wanted $1.50 for this transaction, so i happily feed it a dollar and dropped in 2 quarters. that was my first mistake. the quarters weren't registering with the machine. instead of recognizing my $1.50 as deadweight loss, i chose to push forward and put in another dollar. at this point, i felt like unless i got that drink than the machine had beaten me. the machine happily accepted my dollar, and in a rush of excitement my finger dashed to the number pad. d1. fuck. i meant to hit d2. i watch with horror as the machine reached for my beverage. $2.50 later i'm now the proud owner of one diet mt. dew... */shudder*
|
my dumbass just paid $2.50 for 20oz of the most vile excuse for a soda.
|
trying to use a vending machine...
|
Title:trying to use a vending machine...
TLDR:
|
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] |
actually happened today.
after accidentally dropping my meatball marinara on the floor, the subway lady kindly offers to make me a fresh sub. to my horror, there were only a few remnant meatballs left.. so she asks me what other toppings i wanted , i replied i want tuna for the rest of it .
this is where things go wrong.. she fills the whole footlong with tuna.. oh great, she must be putting the remaining meatballs in a separate sub as a token of good will. i was so wrong. she slams the meatballs right in the middle of the tuna. the zesty tomato sauce mixing with the creamy tuna mayo, i felt sick.
if anyone was wondering, it tasted awful, like satan's hairy arm pits of hell after a marathon.
today, murder was committed like molten lava pouring into a koi pond.
edit: i didn't drop the sub... she did. plus i said i'll have tuna in the rest of the sub..
|
; tuna-good. meatball - good. meatballs with tuna - reincarnate of hell demons diarrhea
|
witnessing an act of pure monstrosity at a new subway branch
|
Title:witnessing an act of pure monstrosity at a new subway branch
TLDR:
|
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] |
so when i got home today, i was rediculously tired. like, more tired that i usually am. so i think to myself, "i'll have a quick nap." its like, 5pm by this time.
i start making dinner and leave it to simmer because the longer you leave it, the better.
so i wake up and i need to pee, thats cool, i do that sometimes in the middle of the night.... night? what did dinner taste like? i dont remember eating it... checked the time, 1am. i go to the kitchen and yep, dinner is fucked up for simmering too long. i have work tomorrow (today?) and i cant sleep anymore.
|
slept too long and dinner and body clock became ruined.
|
taking a nap
|
Title:taking a nap
TLDR:
|
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] |
i had to go to the airport to pick up my girlfriend tonight, and my friend from out of town happened to be visiting for work.
he's got enough frequent flyer points that he has access to the airline lounge, so he drives me to the airport and we sit in the lounge while we wait for my girlfriend's flight to arrive.
feeling out of place, like i'm not business-y enough for the lounge, i'm very pensive about taking advantage of the free food and drinks.
i see someone next to me eating a toasted sandwich, think hmm that looks ok might make one of those.
go up to the buffet feeling like i don't belong there and fairly quickly grab a couple of slices of bread and some filling (ham, tomato, carrot, cheese and some fancy tomato chutney stuff).
now to toast this bad boy. i see a fancy conveyor toaster, can't see anything else, figure this must be what the lady sitting beside me used to toast her sandwich.
feed sandwich through conveyor toaster. doesn't fit but the machine is already starting to eat it. panic. remove top slice of bread + piece of cheese. single piece of bread with some ham, tomato and carrot rolls through conveyor.
some carrot falls down and starts a small fire. panic more.
single slice of now toasted bread with remaining carrot and tomato falls down the back of the conveyor and out into the removal zone.
take single slice of bread with what carrot and tomato i can grab discreetly and place on top of the un-toasted piece of bread.
walk back to seat quickly with half toasted sandwich and hope that i haven't just burned down an entire airport.
did not start a fire, but the whole lounge had a burnt smell for about 15 minutes.
walked out eventually, trying to pretend that it wasn't me, and could see a sad piece of tomato and a smattering of charred carrot in the removal zone of the toaster just sitting there condemning me for all eternity for my stupidity. and about 2 feet further along the counter was the sandwich press.
|
used the wrong toaster, nearly started a fire in an airport lounge of which i was not a member.
|
using the wrong toaster
|
Title:using the wrong toaster
TLDR:
|
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i have created a throw away account for this sad, sad story.
ok, so, i'm in emergency with a massive cut in my left leg and they tell me it's like a 3 hour wait so i thought i'd share with anybody who's bored how i got here..
i was browsing reddit this morning and came across this tifu story about a dude who masturbated with a snap lock bag and his grand dad caught him. link below
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2va5zx/tifu_by_being_a_horny_teenager/
basically you cut the top off the bag and fill it with lube then go nuts.
i broke up with my girlfriend about a week ago and so far i've been wearing out the hand hardcore in an attempt not to cave and go back to her again. so this snap lock bag thing seemed like a great way to spice up my sad, lonely and constant self pleasuring. i actually couldn't even believe i hadn't thought of it before.
i had a snap lock bag but couldn't find any scissors so i grabbed the sharpest kitchen knife i could and took it to my room, cut the bag and in my haste i just threw the knife on my bed and did.. the thing. i totally forgot about the knife though and it must have like hid itself in my bed. i then left the room and proceeded to cook dinner (obviously after washing hands) and generally chill out. about two hours later i went into my room, turned off the light jumped on bed, laid on my stomach and pulled a pillow over where the knife was to watch a movie. my house mate came into my room shortly after and we just watched the movie and i had no idea about the knife still. i needed to piss though so i jumped up from my stomach and must have pinned the knife down with my hand and shoved my left knee into the tip of the knife. i couldn't feel it immediately but i looked at my leg and saw the cut and all the blood. i also have low blood pressure so if i loose much blood i go all floppy and can't talk much or use my arms. i just like flopped on the floor and my housemate turned on the light and was like "what is goin on?!" "why are you bleeding everywhere?!" "why is there a knife in your bed?!" my housemate went to call an ambulance but i'm a student and it's wayyyy too expensive and the hospital was literally like a 5 minute walk so i told him to chill and after a few minutes of lying down and tying up my leg to stop the bleeding he offered to help me walk there..
so yer that's how i fucked up today. i'm still waiting and my very nice housemate has no idea as to why i am here but i thought you should know you put me here reddit..... damn you, you sick bastards...
**edit:** bloody iphone finger spellings
**proof:** me redditing in sadness
http://i.imgur.com/psbiq1i.jpg
**update 1:** i am going in now for awesome stitches
**picture:** getting stitched up
http://i.imgur.com/dftwnt7.jpg
**update 2:** 5 stitches and no physical activity for two weeks. looks like i'm back to the hand for a while. housemates taking their lunch to work in snap lock bags brings back dark memories.
|
i read a tifu story about masturbating into a snap lock bag, thought it was a great idea and ended up stabbing myself with the knife i used to cut open the snap lock bag.
|
now i'm in the hospital..
|
Title:now i'm in the hospital..
TLDR:
|
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] |
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